A man suspected of shooting a pastor connected to Ted Cruz was arrested last night outside the White House. It’s still unclear why he was there, but it seems likely related to his manifesto, which details an alien invasion at the highest levels of government.

Never in history has anything good come from a "manifesto." Their effects range from misguided repression (political manifestos) to mere annoyance (college student-written manifestos). Oh look, a new "manifesto" is out! "A Slow-Word Movement." First ever good manifesto? No.

Lindsay Lohan's managed to stay out of Page Six for nearly an entire week (we imagine their office is so crowded with fruit baskets and bottles of high-end booze from publicist Leslie Sloane Zelnick that staffers can hardly move), but the troubled actress/non-sober AA spectator makes a triumphant return in today's edition, with excerpts from an e-mail in which Lohan calls out for high-powered help (Al Gore, the Clintons) in shifting the media's attention from her own, tabloid-attracting misadventures to unspecified "real issues." (Which we imagine would not include things she may have shouted at a former assistant at an open-bar event, unless they were somehow misdirected, angry expressions of her vague frustration with poverty in Africa.). Following so closely on the heels of Lohan's liberally circulated, tragically misunderstood eulogy for Robert Altman, Zelnick might have to take more proactive preventative measures to stop her suddenly prolific client from issuing future, image-damaging missives like this Fully Adequite Blackberry Manifesto without her supervision; at this point, simply confiscating Lohan's mobile communication devices probably won't get the job done, so a more drastic solution, like completely incapacitating the starlet's troublemaking, tiny-keyboard-tapping thumbs (whether by injected muscle paralyzers or a series of "accidents" with slamming car doors) is probably necessary. On to the e-mail: