Beyonce and Jay-Z may have failed to trademark "Blue Ivy," but they have successfully patented true love and happiness.

When we hear about unmarried young couples living together in sin, we're like "Sure, kids these days are living in sin, rejecting god, and fornicating nightly in Lucifer's glory, what else is new?" But now we hear that older couples are also living together in sin. Aren't you older couples old enough to know the teachings of Jesus, about not living in sin?

Old Navy: it's not just for terribly-made ill-fitting clothing and supremely annoying television ads. It's also for helping bring us all the closure we so desperately need. Yes, two decades after anyone cared, Kelly finally went with Dylan — Jennie Garth and Luke Perry are reportedly dating.

Meet Alex Pelling and Lisa Gant.

The New York Times' recent Helen Gurley Brown hagiography, "Helen Gurley Brown, As Others Saw Her," is a mostly uninspiring rundown of anecdotes about the recently deceased Cosmopolitan editor. But about halfway down, in a passage from Brown's former book editor, Michael Korda, things get good:

The average American wedding costs $26,989. Instead, why not have a hooker and a down payment on a house? Smarten up.

Just as the concept of polyamory is many things to many people, so is Showtime's current series Polyamory: Married & Dating. It's alternately hilarious, shocking, poignant, titillating and cringe-inducing. But it's also important.

If you are a human being with a television and a heart, you have seen a commercial advertising Google Chrome and you have cried over it.

A few years ago, Sister Margaret Farley, a nun and a teacher at Yale's Divinity School, published Just Love: A Framework for Christian Sexual Ethics—a book that did not say that your sexual urges are nothing more than the shameful pangs of demon penises fucking your soul which should be repressed and repressed and repressed until you are absolutely warped, underneath that church outfit. Burn the witch! Ahh, apparently we don't do that any more? Well... censure the witch!

The North African nation of Mali is in the midst of an uprising by strict conservative Islamist rebels who have captured Timbuktu and locked it down under harsh Sharia law and are running around with guns and making all the women wear veils and chasing off all the Westerners and generally just throwing a wrench into any fun summer bikini party plans that Timbuktuans may have had. This is all very troubling, we grant you, (LIP SERVICE ABOUT 'RIGHTS'). But the New York Times' excellent story yesterday on the situation really buried the scariest penalty of all that the cruel extremists are imposing on the not-even-allowed-to-fuck-casually citizenry:

SWF seeks SM.

All you need to know about the very latest trends here in the American Dream of USA of America™ is this: love is dead, marriage is an anachronism, the family has disintegrated, and all is chaos. But we're making good racial progress!

Jennifer Coburn is a published author and a full-grown adult. She has a 14 year-old daughter named Katie. Katie just broke up with her boyfriend. How do we know? Because Jennifer Coburn told us all. Thanks, mom.

A new government report says that 38% of American women aged 15-44 have never ever been married, not even once. What is wrong with them? Something. Nobody likes them? Apparently. Anyhow. They're not as hopeless as everyone thinks!

Popular online social networking website Facebook boasts a "relationship status" setting, in which Facebook members can indicate whether or not they are "In a Relationship" with another person. This is often considered a formal social indicator that a couple is officially "together." Sound simple? Not for Tara Miller of Westville, New Jersey.

But he's such a cute serial killer lookalike! And those pubes! (Aniston and Theroux are also kissing in public now, which must mean that this is going to last forever.) [NYDN]

A Portland couple was arrested last night and accused of disorderly conduct after police heard multiple reports that a woman was "tied up in a car with duct tape over her mouth."

Are you a lonely Columbia Journalism School grad whiling away Valentine's Day with thoughts of your persistent crush on your old professor Duy Linh Tu, head of the Digital Media Program and self-proclaimed "Original Multimedia Gangsta?" Cupid is emailing you.

Shrieking tabloid xenophobe and enemy of sluts Andrea Peyser really hates Valentine's Day. Haha, "shocker," right? Haha, "breaking news." Haha. But seriously guys.

The public relations industry often seems like a vast sea of ineptitude, studded with fetid islands of grotesquerie. No more so than when approaching Valentine's Day. This is PR Dummies. The worst of the worst, on a weekly basis.