Do you know what a Justin Bieber is? You should: the 15 year-old star was read the riot act as 3,000 fans/parents descended on a Long Island mall, where his appearance had to be canceled. Fights! Chaos! Teenagers! RIOT!

While the best newspapers in America fret over whether to charge to read their websites, the other end of the newspaper spectrum is charging ahead: Starting next week, it will cost you $5 a week to read Newsday.com. Hahahaha. Ha.

Is there a way for the old "Teacher Arrested For Sleeping With Student" to combine with the old "Man Solicits Underage Sex on the Internet" to produce a new, stupider crime? On Long Island there is.

Would the Summer of Death truly be complete without a giant shark washing up on the shores of Long Island, New York? We think not!

Sean Hannity creepily interviewed Sarah Palin in some wooded area of Long Island, where Sarah proceeded to do what Sarah does—-Spewed out a maddening but hilariously folksy word soup that translates to "I told you so!"

Newsday has supplied a crucial piece of information in the emerging "Viking Funeral" theory of the Montauk Monster's origin, and we've spent all day going over historical weather records to better assess its credibility. Answer: Maybe! But we're dubious.

Ryan Pacifico was just a normal Long Island guy—working in finance, not a homo. Until his boss found out he was a vegetarian, and started calling him a gay vegetarian homo. Not cool, dude.

Three women who first discovered and photographed the Montauk Monster have issued a desperate plea for scientists to help them identify the devil spawn! Rachel Goldberg, Courtney Fruin and Jenna Hewitt gave their long-awaited interview to PlumTV, following hot on the heals of the CNN appearance by their buddy "Colin," who is keeping the monster's bones safe in his bong or Weber grill or whatever. The ladies revealed they have been in touch with a scientist from Stony Brook University, who supposedly told them it can't be a raccoon (legs/arms not in proportion to body), dog (feet "don't match up" — ??) or turtle (they don't have teeth). So basically we're dealing with a mutant, alien or satanic death hound. "Lock your fucking doors," as one self-described biologist told us yesterday! The women are hoping another scientist will take a look at the remains and give a less terrifying answer. A video except, along with some interesting mail, is after the jump. UPDATE: Plus a new, less decomposed photo via Newsday!

Kudos are in order to the public relations company that "tipped" us earlier today about the supposed government-created mutant that washed up in Montauk, if for nothing other than its timing. The firm, described by its owner as a purveyor of "grassroots viral marketing," was wise to try and place a campaign than in the midst of the summer news doldrums. But neither Gawker nor Jezebel (original recipient of the tip) seem an appropriate place to plug a children's show, which a different tipster thinks is behind the Montauk picture.

No, Lizzie Grubman's still alive. This is an actual monster, some sort of rodent-like creature with a dinosaur beak. A tipster says that there is "a government animal testing facility very close by in Long Island," but unless the government is trying to design horrible Montauk monsters that will eat IEDs and fart fire at bad Iraqis, we're not sure why they would create such an unthinkable beast. Our guess is that it's viral marketing for something. Ali Lohan's new album perhaps. Click thru for larger dino-damage.

What a world: Rupert Murdoch has become the lesser of two evils. Newsday reporters are hoping that he will buy the Long Island tabloid from Sam Zell, the Tribune owner who is looking to unload it. Really? Despite his delightful sense of humor, since Zell took over the Tribune Co., the Newsday staff has dubbed their Melville headquarters "Hellville." Ha. "Hell" rhymes with "Mel." I've been to Melville, and it's just like every other suburban town: more of a purgatory than a hell. [NYO]

Growing up on Long Island is an experience that can only be understood by those who've gone through it. The concept can't be grasped any other way. Trouble is, people on Long Island are, for want of a better term, completely fucked up. When they descend into the depths of their fucked-up-dom, they'll tend to want to take you with them. And if, in adulthood, your western horizons continue to be bounded by the northbound lanes of the Cross Island Parkway, they'll do just that.

We've often found ourselves scanning Craigslist following a series of blatantly illegal driving maneuvers on that breezy little Long Island thoroughfare known as Hempstead Turnpike, hoping against hope that someone - anyone - with two breasts and a vagina bore witness to our courage. Sometimes in this crazy world, things just seem to work out the way we need them to.

So you know how there's a perpetual circulation battle going on between the Daily News and the Post? And you know how there's all sorts of circ scandals going on at papers across the country, the most notably local example being at Newsday? And you know how the Post keeps gaining on the News's circ margin, but we're supposed to think that because the Posties are incendiary and irresponsible and the Newsies are the good guys, if somewhat plodding?

We're only at part two today of the Times's four-part series on "India Accelerating," and we admit we're finding it a bit tough to continue fighting our way through. (Untold thousands of words on highways in the metro area would be tough enough; untold thousands of words on highways we'll likely never drive on becomes a much larger problem.)

It's hard to decide what's most comment-worthy in the front-page Metro section piece today on Long Island cruising spots, which we're sure breaks countless gay men's hearts and does little for anyone else.