• Lindsay Lohan's mom Dina faces "immediate arrest and imprisonment" if she doesn't show up in court this morning on charges she gets drunk in front of her kids, 11 and 14, and the she missed 15 of 29 court-ordered visitations, and showed up to one inebriated. Ex-husband Michael Lohan also threw in to the court filing that Dina is sometimes mean to her puppy — putting it in a kennel instead of letting Michael watch it — because he knows that will piss people off more than the child abuse or whatever. [R&M]

Want to see Paris Hilton's MySpace profile? How about Lindsay Lohan's? Don't worry about those pesky privacy settings. Thanks to "data portability," a faddish technology movement that the Valley has been buzzing about for months, you can see any profile you want on MySpace. Byron Ng, a Canadian computer technician with a knack for finding Web security holes, has discovered that Yahoo's integration with MySpace makes it easy to view photos for any profile. These images, which Ng obtained from Hilton's and Lohan's profiles, speak to the danger Yahoo and MySpace's lax data-sharing habits pose:

Byron Ng's instructions for viewing any MySpace profile:

In case you hadn't heard, momager extraordinaire Dina Lohan's new reality show was sadly slammed in the ratings by Sheen Sperm-aversive blabbermouth Denise Richards in the ratings. But before weeping for the runner-up, don't forget: Dina still officially wears the crown of Mother of the Year! They gave her a trophy and everything! Yes, "they" are a group of cleavage-baring Long Island moms with fake tans and nails as long as their list of ex-husbands, but a title is a title. Which is why Defamer Video Vixen Molly McAleer has put together a rather inspiring series of moments from last night's second episode, in which we learn three very important lessons on parenting from, that's right, the Mother of the Year. Our favorite and most valuable parenting rules as taught to us by Dina herself:

[Skiing enthusiast and actress Lindsay Lohan at the MTV Movie Awards last night; image via Bauer-Griffin]

What is it about MTV awards ceremonies that brings out so many female celebrities' inner hooker? Normally demurely dressed stars like good girl Anne Hathaway and Charlize Theron both showed up on the red carpet looking like a dominatrix-for-hire and a Heidi Fleiss escort circa 1990, respectively. Megan Fox stepped outside her rep as being a poor girl's Angelina Jolie by attempting to dress like a cupcake, but the frilly underskirt just said Little Pink Ride Your Hood, and The Hills resident scandalista Audrina Patridge donned a skin-tight, midnight blue satin one-strap number paired with ironed black hair that looked eerily like what we suspect Marilyn Manson wears in drag. So why pick last night to debut their diaper-length hemlines and S&M costumes? Look no further than a closer peek of Lindsay Lohan's totally unintentional panty-flash for answers, and the rest of these ladies of the night after the jump:

• Longtime drug addict Tatum O'Neal was busted for buying crack near her Lower East Side apartment on Sunday night. [NY Post]

"Insiders told Page Six that Lohan and OK! are in talks to do a cover where Lohan 'comes out' about her relationship with gal pal Samantha Ronson, and the mag has offered her "around $1 million to do the cover." [Post]

As though awful reviews everywhere and horse jokes in the New Yorker were not enough, Sex And The City star Sarah Jessica Parker also has to contend with infidelity on the part of her dressmaker. Designer Olivier Theyskens of Nina Ricci assured Parker no one else had publicly worn the dress he provided her for the New York premier of the Sex movie. Whoops: Turns out socialite Lauren Santo Domingo had warn it to the Met ball less than a month earlier — and Theyskens had accompanied her and posed for pictures. Also, Linsday Lohan was photographed by "throngs of paparazzi" in the dress while wearing it for a Harper's Bazaar shoot. Cathy Horyn at the Times broke news of the Santo Domingo overlap — her commenters tracked down the Lohan shot — and Parker was not happy:

· From clingy dresses to canine masturbation, from mean-spirited reviews to disappointed Cosmo swillers doling out handjobs, we found ourselves oversexed in our city.
· The same cannot be said for Clay Aiken — he's pregnant!
· We were accused of being part of an "extraordinary smear campaign" after passing along a tip about Dan Aloni's alleged angry outburst on the Fox lot.
· Angelina Jolie gave birth to two lovely, genetically perfect children named Isla Marcheline and Amelie Jane. Wait, no she didn't. That left Entertainment Tonight paying the ultimate price.
· George Clooney bought Sarah Larson a one way ticket to Dumpsville.
· Lindsay Lohan's lesbian love was generously endorsed by Michael Lohan.
· Ben Silverman forgot to sync his Blackberry, enraging Ari Emmanuel [sic].
· We found out Kirsten Dunst wasn't drunk or drugged, just depressed. Then her pants caught fire.
· Sharon Stone got bit by the karma chameleon.
· The season finale of 'Lost' left us all wondering who's in the casket? Hint: he feels good!
· 50 Cent pulled a Left Eye (allegedly).
· We saved you $150K.
· Rachel [sic] Ray was in hot pursuit of extra virgins in the afterlife.
· We wept a little on the inside when Bill Murray's halo was tarnished.
· The End Of Ideas train kept plowing forward, picking up motormouth cops and ouija boards along the way.
· ScarJo CloneGate!
· We paid tribute to the dearly departed Sydney Pollack and Harley Korman (and angered a number of humor-challenged readers along the way).
· The next time we end up drunk in Tijuana, we are definitely getting that Patrick Swayze Centaur tattoo.

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by the loyal readers of Defamer. As a few emailers have noted, it took us a few weeks to collect this installment — if you want to see this feature run more frequently, be sure to send in your tips early and often! Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line so we don't lose them) and tell everyone about the time you saw "Hey Now" Hank Kingsley (aka Jeffrey Tambor) buying travel-sized saline solution and a "single fleet enema" at Gelson's.

Our favorite moment from the first episode of Living Lohan was when a giggly Ali Lohan said "I wanna be like Lindsay" in a very rehearsed, gun-to-her-head sort of way. Whichever puppet master that yanked her strings successfully managed to pull the transformation off, but not in the way we'd hoped. Rather than passing out in SUVs and borrowing some of Lindsay's many cokepants for a quick crash and burn, little Ali appears to be moving in on Lindsay's girl. As the Lohan/Ronson romance spread their tattooed and hickey-scarred wings to New York yesterday, the gruesome twosome turned into an even more gruesome threesome, as Ali joined the honeymooners on shopping trips and lunch dates. But Ali may not gain entrance into the private club of two — you see, the psychic geniuses at the NY Post have already gone ahead and prepared for Lindsay's official coming out. Their case for Lohan As Lesbian, plus sources' details on the fact that "they're definitely dating," after the jump.

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

[Lindsay Lohan, with umbrella, and possible girlfriend Samantha Ronson leaving "Sopranos" actress Drea De Matteo's Manhattan apartment last night; image via INF]

In case you hadn't heard, the most titillating story to come out of Cannes this year had nothing to do with film and everything to do with DJ/DUI heroine Sam Ronson allegedly playing tongue twister with her roomie and long-term girlfriend Lindsay Lohan. But after seeing the so-called scandalous pictures in question, we have yet to see this "liplock". We've given many a girlfriend a tipsy hug in our time and, well, that just does not a lesbian make. Not that our opinion matters — Michael Lohan's does! The wig-fetishizing Born Again has turned up to set the record straight once and for all: "[Their] relationship ‘is evident to anyone with half a brain...[Lindsay] is a big girl, and she can make her own life choices. Then it is between her and God.'" Sure, Michael isn't the most reliable source to confirm that these two are in fact dating, but on the eve of the infamous photos of Lindsay passed out in the front seat of Sam's car, we attempt to analyze their often romantic, often turbulent relationship over the years.

After photos surfaced recently of actress Lindsay Lohan and her extremely close best friend, DJ Samantha Ronson, old school necking in Cannes, the LiLoLesbo rumors have been back in full swing. As anyone who is a homosexual can tell you, parents are often the best place to get the inside scoop on their child's same-sex sex life. And Lindsay's estranged father, former prison-yard dreamer Michael, is no exception. He says that their sexy clam-on-clam relationship is "evident to anyone with half a brain." So, there you go. Unfortunately her mother Dina and sister Ali, stars of their own Peabody shoo-in E! series Living Lohan, do not find it evident ("it's pathetic what people say," says Ali. Whatever that means.) I guess that means that, um, heh, heh, they do not have half a brain. Or, you know, the deadbeat dad just doesn't really know what's going on in his daughter's life and is left with only conjecture and speculation. Sigh. And us? We're sort of excited that Lindsay Lohan might be a lesbian (or is at least the non-college-attending equivalent of a LUG). You go, Ellen.

• Everyone was partying in the Hamptons this weekend. Molly Sims celebrated her birthday in Sag Harbor. Leo DiCaprio partied at Dune. Jeffrey Chodorow and Charlie Walk threw a dinner at the Kobe Beach Club. Even newly-convicted felon Wesley Snipes, who is free on bail, flew in to get wasted at a party in Water Mill. [Page Six]

As we established previously, little is happening movie- or industry-wise at the Cannes Film Festival; even Croisette-weary NY Times critic A.O. Scott is officially on the record now with his ambivalence about this year's crop. As such, we lead today's fest news round-up not with the general befuddlement over Synecdoche, New York or continued rapture around Che, but with the only story worth our consideration as the event slumps, thuds and dies until a phoenix-like restoration in 2009: OMG Is Lindsay, like, totally kissing Samantha Ronson? More press conference photos shameless paparazzi indulgence after the jump.

Gripped by a paralzying case of Rain Manesque echolalia on her Late Show appearance last night ("OK, so you're going to follow Harrison Ford. He has a movie coming out? Indiana Jones? Then Dave will ask you all about your little E! reality show. Don't forget to have fun!") aspiring Lohan Ali seemed incapable of responding with much more than a nervous, "Yeah," to most of host David Letterman's questions. (We've added dings to help you count them: 21 in two minutes.)

As thrilled as we were to see Dina Lohan’s pity party come to life in a preview from Living Lohan yesterday, we truly wish those suits over at E! had picked the other guiding light in Lindsay’s life to trail around with cameras. A tipster alerted us to this clip, showing just another night out on the town (well, in a trailer) for Michael Lohan. We’re not sure which is more jarring: Michael’s impressions of both Cousin It and Dina Lohan, or the reminder that countless famewhores exist out there so desperate for fame they will venture into a trailer with Michael Lohan just hoping he’ll hire them to be Lindsay’s new BFF.