Lindsay Lohan turns 22 today! You can party with her and Ms. Ronson tonight at Teddy's at the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel if you're in LA, don't have anything better to do, and you're on the list, naturally.

• Reps for Madonna and Alex Rodriguez claim the two are "just friends." They just happen to be the kind of friends who have secret rendezvouses at their apartments until midnight. The day after having a baby. [NYP]

A brief refresher course in what's currently going on in the wild world of the Lohans: Lindsay's dad, Michael, apparently banged some woman when he was separated from Lindsay's mom. The lady he banged had a child. Yesterday, Michael took a paternity test to see if the child is his. We're still waiting on that verdict, but stop the presses ... OK! Magazine has the first photos of Lindsay's potential half-sister Ashley!

It remains to be seen whether Michael Lohan fathered a child-a 13-year-old half-sister for actress Lindsay Lohan-outside his marriage. (Michael Lohan's former girlfriend took more than a decade to press her claims; and he's taken a DNA test to prove his innocence.) Whatever. The 48-year-old former felon still ranks as Hollywood's worst celebrity father for another reason: an incredibly creepy voicemail which shows he lies to his troubled daughter. Even if you care nothing for the Lohans, it's worth a listen if only as a case study in awful showbiz parenthood.

Last night’s Living Lohan was all about Ali and her glass-breaking array of vocal talents. The happy family, which is somehow shrinking and growing simultaneously every day now, is still taking Las Vegas by storm as each member’s collective talents go into creating International Superstar-Turned-Trainwreck number two. Little Cody helps out by distracting Dina with adolescent silliness like concussions and that all-too-common need to be “loved,” Ali helps broaden the franchise by doing her best Daddy Left Us And I’m Gonna Record My Angst- And Nicotine-Laced Breakdowns For You! rehashing of Lindsay’s already perfected musical adventures, and Dina grants us with another round of must-have parenting lessons:

A new book claiming to unveil "fun, fascinating facts" about celebrities and their drug habits may just be a collection of ancient quotes and anecdotes. As the NY Post reports today, The Curious World Of Drugs And Their Friends promises sordid tales involving Lindsay Lohan and details from her substance-fueled evenings before cokepants and trees put them on the back burner, but the story they cite from a "friend" sounds eerily familiar to one of our favorite classic Lohanisms from over a year ago. And the celebrities quoted as being "unable to talk to anyone without a nose full of cocaine," and having "spent the first 35 years of my life in a fog" due to drugs have either kicked their habits long ago or already (endlessly) confirmed to the world that they were once big league nose candy fans. The stars "featured," and exactly how dusty these quips are, after the jump.

After proving she had little to contribute to the film or starfucking industries, Jessica Simpson finally realized she should keep her pretty-but-pretty-dumb mouth shut for the time being and instead let her t-shirts do the talking, angering PETA in the process. Though the feisty baby seal saviors have their fair share of enemies, they've also impressively managed to get celebrity spokespeople like Alec Baldwin and Eva Mendes to embarrass themselves in public by demanding the public do drugs (Baldwin) or taking off their clothes in the name of fur (Mendes). So naturally, Simpson's public cry for attention irked PETA's most compassionate celebrity nudist, Pamela Anderson, who called her fellow talent-challenged blonde "a bitch and whore" on a radio show. But this is far from the first time Jessica has ruffled another starlet's feathers just by being Jessica. We took a look back at the many ways Simpson has made herself a household name not by selling records or movie tickets, but by starring in her own personal Catfights franchise.

Until now, we had some troubles fully accepting Lindsay Lohan As Lesbian. Don't get us wrong. We are major fans of unicorn-straddling shoe fairies, C-list lesbian couples coming out, and someone finally putting food on Portia de Rossi's table every night. But we were fond of Lindsay's borderline feminist habit of having zipless fucks with every guy she found in bathrooms, overseas, or on her friends' arms. So seeing the freckly nudist settle down was easier to swallow knowing the "relationship" was likely a figment of our horny imaginations. But as these new pictures from the set of Labor Pains show, the girl on girl performance may be more real than we hoped. A closer look at Hollywood's happiest couple, and details on what's making Lindsay so smiley around her Smokey Bunch girlfriend, after the jump.

If one attention-obsessed, desperate mother isn't enough, the Lohan brood is in luck. A Florence, Montana, woman named Kristi Kaufman, 44, has just announced that she had a secret love child with Lindsay Lohan's dad 13 years ago. The newest Lohan, Ashley, is presumably ready for her own Disney show and movies and all the shame and scandal that naturally accompany such misadventures. Update: It's true!

Not that claims like these are shocking when you’re part of that wild fame-chasing bunch currently Living Lohan, but Star is reporting that one of Michael Lohan's old flings has taken a paternity test to prove her 13-year old daughter is the newest member of everyone’s favorite dysfunctional family. According to the mag, a Montana woman named Kristi Kaufmann is coming forward to “make sure the truth comes out...‘My daughter has a right to know who her father is — and it’s Michael.’” Now married to a new cowboy hat-wearing realtor, the 44-year old’s claims aren’t exactly being denied by the wig-loving Born Again. Michael’s ambiguous response, and whether or not the details and timing supplied by Kaufmann support the possibility that Lindsay Lohan has yet another little sister who will inevitably want to "be just like her," after the jump.

Shouldn’t single actresses know by now that giant diamonds worn on a particular finger shouldn't be flaunted in public? Cameron Diaz was photographed sporting an ostentatious sparkler yesterday in Santa Monica, suspiciously displaying the gory piece on her engagement ring-reserved finger in a very blatant manner. But considering she’s just barely started dating former cokehead/Jennifer Aniston ex Paul Sculfor, and has been linked to half a dozen other canoodling partners in the past few months, we’re not jumping on the “Diaz Engaged!” bandwagon quite yet. The notoriously anti-paparazzi actress might have just wanted to fuck with her camera-flashing enemies. Still, whenever a star makes the decision to debut a big ol’ gem there, it’s proven tough to gage those inevitable engagement rumors’ validity. We looked back at celebrity diamond-spotting of the past, from the most firm denials that led to splashy weddings, to the sure things that turned out to be false alarms, after the jump.

Despite the joyous break in that nasty heat wave and the thorn in Anne Hathaway’s ass having been successfully removed, all is not well in LA today. As the NY Post reports, Larry King’s sixth wife Shawn Southwick King has ‘fessed up to a painkiller addiction, and now Us is confirming that Heather Locklear just checked herself in to an undisclosed treatment center for general craziness. So with the year's halfway point quickly approaching, we decided to check in on this year’s Rehab Class of 2008: those who’ve graduated with honors, the newest students, and the wild card alumni whose success remains a wobbly mystery.

Last night's episode of Living Lohan was filled to the brim with heartbreak. Emotions, both minutely real and highly fake, were on display for the cameras. The actual sound of Dina's skin cracking as her now-infamous crocodile tears struggled to liquefy was audible. And, as every Dina-phile knows, each opportunity to feign care for her cherished cash cow kids brings another lesson from the one and only Mother of the Century. After watching Dina and her brood prepare for a wild 'n crazy trip to Las Vegas that may or may not be ruined by lovable lush/I Know Who Killed Me fan Nana Lohan, Defamer Video Vixen Molly McAleer plucked three classic family values as illustrated by Dina herself:

[Actress and gay hero Lindsay Lohan with her probable-girlfriend, DJ Samantha Ronson, at a LA burger joint yesterday; via ONTD]

Sometimes we feel the need to get down on our knees and bow down to Mother of the Century Dina Lohan. Not only did she produce the neverending carnival ride that is Lindsay Lohan, but she has managed to do the impossible: get Ali Lohan a job. Sure, Ali was supposed to be a rap star or white hip hop lyricist or something, but a gig is a gig. Proving that one should always be careful of what they wish for, Ali’s desire to “be just like Lindsay” has manifested in the form of a potential starring role in the remake of a 1980s cult not-so-classic. But before congratulating the 15-year old by sending over a giant supply of cokepants and nail polish to Casa Lohan, we’re forced to rain on this pitiful parade by informing you which movie Ali’s Big Break will be in: the remake of Troll. Why this is quite possibly the worst idea in the history of ideas, after the jump.

What appears to be a very innocent, all-American clip of lush-turned-lesbian Lindsay Lohan playing a game of baseball on the set of Labor Pains kind of reminds us of watching a Disney film from the '90s. Upon first viewing, you walk away feeling warm and fuzzy, confident that life is full of happy endings, laughter, and pretty hair. But after watching it about five times, you may notice the brief glimpse of cock sneakily inserted into a frame by a pervy animator, or an underlying message about females being the weaker sex. In the case of this Lindsay video, we were at first struck by the innocence of LiLo taking part in America's pasttime, but after watching the clip a second and third time, we know our lasting memories will be of Lindsay using a grip's body to shield her so that she could light a smoke (not to mention her jiggling around as she lamely runs the bases). The video and some additional analysis follows after the jump.

• More dirt today about Anne Hathaway's breakup with Raffaello Follieri: She's living at the Gramercy Park Hotel while he's staying in a rental in Trump Tower. Evidence that this might be a PR stunt for her new movie: the exes may have met up for dinner at Cipriani last night. [Page Six]

After a bumpy spring protecting and investing their billion dollar baby Miley Cyrus, today brings news that there may be additional troubles brewing over at the Mouse House. 15-year old Selena Gomez, the rising star of the newest Disney series Wizards Of Waverly Place, whose elevator pitch was most likely "Gossip Girl Meets Harry Potter Meets Charmed But Like, Happy!," is reportedly usurping the scandal-plagued Cyrus' dimming star power. Quietly crowned “The Next Miley Cyrus” by various newsies, the Miley lookalike (minus gummy smile, plus premature Jolie-level hotness) plays Alex, whose painfully ironic mantra is "cast magic first, ask questions later." But the turbulence among competing teens trying to catch their big break by stepping over their peers left and right is a trend as old as the Mousketeers’ first dimpled disciples. After the jump, we count down our top three favorite teen feuds of yesteryear.

No blog, talking head or alcoholic British songbird can compete with PETA when it comes to snark. For decades, the animal lovers have verbally beheaded countless starlets for their fur and snakeskin accessories, but only recently have their targets bitten back. After seeing a recent photo of plumper-than-usual Jessica Simpson sporting one of those so-last-season message t-shirts reading "Real Girls Eat Meat," we wondered how many of her peers have boldly set themselves up for one of PETA's trademark white powder massacres. Having called Nicole Richie "an incredible shrinking woman with the heart to match," advising Ashley Olsen that "wearing fur does add 20 pounds, but if [she] wants to fill out her frame, we suggest using a fork instead," and telling Lindsay Lohan "there's no road to recovery for the foxes who are anally electrocuted so that you can look skanky," has PETA inspired any other starlets to publicly react just as vehemently? We take a look at the ongoing battles after the jump.

• Observers note that Arianna Huffington waited several days to personally blog anything about the death of Tim Russert of Meet The Press, who she often criticized. Then when she did say something, she didn't really praise the man. Not even faint praise! Dammit, Arianna, the public DEMANDS DISINGENUOUS EULOGIES! [R&M]