From the 21-year-old drinking age to the .08% blood alcohol level now recognized nationwide as evidence of being drunk, the threat of losing federal highway funds has kept America's states from straying on booze laws. So get ready for the .05% drunken driving conviction.

After they took a primary role in making the 2008 global economic meltdown happen, Wall Street's biggest banks listened to their PR advisors and practiced "humility" for a little while. (This means that they continued operating the same way, but sent out a memo instructing employees not to be brash about it.) But now, the stock market is booming again, we're living 2006 all over again, and the big banks have had enough of being pushed around by government regulators who might like to avoid the next huge financial meltdown.

A Florida appeals court has sided with Gawker in our effort to keep publishing A.J. Daulerio's 1,400-word narrative about Hulk Hogan fucking his friend's ex-wife.

Yesterday the Hon. Pamela A.M. Campbell, a circuit court judge in Pinellas County, Fla., issued an order compelling Gawker to remove from the internet a video of Hulk Hogan fucking his friend's ex-wife, as well as a 1,400-word narrative of the video written by former Gawker editor A.J. Daulerio and 466 user-submitted comments. Here is why we are refusing to comply.

Police used thermal imaging from a helicopter to monitor Dzhokhar Tsarnaev's movement inside of the boat he had been hiding in, when they apprehended him Friday night. Dzhokhar, who was bleeding profusely, remains prone on the floor of the boat for much of the video, as police use a robot to tear away the tarp covering the boat, as well as throw what appears to be flash-bang grenades at the boat.

It's a story as old as love: You meet a gorgeous guy online who regales you with stories about his pal Bill Clinton over drinks at the Surrey Hotel. Heady with glee, you accompany this former CEO to the live jazz scene at the Carlyle. Roses, a driver, the whole she-bang. Date number two caps a lovely dinner with the Grammys back at your pad, and yeah, maybe you go back to his amazing apartment and agree to a little barebacking. A couple weeks later, instead of taking Paris together, you're alone with all of the penicillin.

Family Court Judge William Watkins III has got a pretty bad temper. He's been known to yell at litigants in his courtroom, as well as on one occasion, calling a woman seeking a protective order "stupid." After word came out about the incident, Watkins told the woman to shut up and stop "shooting off [her] fat mouth about what happened." Unfortunately for Watkins, that temper has landed him with a suspension that will last the rest of his term.

Kim Millbrook, a federal prisoner, claims he was sodomized and beaten by prison guards in 2010. He sued the federal government, acting as his own attorney, under the Federal Tort Claims Act. After losing in lower courts—the federal government, they held, can only be liable for the acts of law enforcement officers when those acts are carried out in the course of performing arrests or executing searches, as opposed to just arbitrarily sodomizing inmates—Millbrook wrote out a handwritten petition to the Supreme Court demanding that it hear his case (a copy is here; the image above is from his initial complaint). It did. This morning, with the help of a court-appointed attorney, he won.

The perpetual motion machine of Lindsay Lohan's legal saga groaned on this week as Lohan's new judge decried Lohan's new lawyer as "incompetent," and unfit to practice law in California. We also found out that Lindsay wants to become a motivational speaker.

"Diana Z.," a former tenant of a building owned by Beal Properties in Chicago, did not have a pleasant experience while living in their building. She was charged late fees on her rent, even though she had documentation saying she paid it on time, and was treated rudely by their customer service representative. Flustered and without much recourse, she did what many frustrated consumers do, and vented through a scathing review on Yelp. She wrote:

Everybody talks about the "Too Big to Fail" problem: financial institutions that are so huge and interconnected that, when they run into a crisis, the public will always bail them out, because the consequences of not doing so would be catastrophic for everyone. Nobody does anything about it. Maybe that's because banks have powerful lobbyists; maybe it's a human psychological flaw that causes us to stop worrying about inevitable future crises as soon as the last crisis seems to have passed.

Alleged killer-cop cop-killer Christopher Jordan Dorner is almost positively dead, San Bernardino Sheriff John McMahon told reporters at a press conference late yesterday.

More than two decades of The War on Drugs has proven definitively that locking people in jail is a terrible way to solve the drug problem. It has given us the world's highest incarceration rate—an incarceration problem that is worse than the problems that the mass incarceration was supposed to solve. Now, perhaps, the pendulum has begun to swing back towards sanity.

A law firm charged its client $40,000 just to compile its monthly bill, and other breathtaking legal shit.

As all schoolchildren know, the Firsteenth Amendment of the U.S. Constitution reads, "No law passed by the federal government may be enforced UNLESS it is cool with a bunch of sheriffs of rural counties." Leave it to the NObama administration to flagrantly ignore this Divine Right of Random Sheriffs to Decide About the Legality All Laws Based on Just Whatever Pops Into Their Heads.

Sometimes the American justice system is too complex even for trained bloggers, so someone please feel free to explain to us the moral rationale for this sequence of events: the NYPD has a "stop and frisk" program, expressly designed to harass minorities without probable cause, which is clearly unconstitutional. Earlier this month, a federal judge finally ruled that the NYPD would have to stop its stop and frisk program in a certain area, because it is, you know, unconstitutional. Now, that judge says that the NYPD can resume that same stop and frisk program temporarily, because—write this on your yellow legal pad, law students—stopping this unconstitutional program would be too much hassle, for the cops.

In 1992, the sci-fi writer Bruce Sterling published The Hacker Crackdown, a riveting nonfiction book about a string of high-profile hacker busts on the early "electronic frontier" of the late '80s and early '90s. The first hacker crackdown shook the early internet to its core and helped mobilize political geeks. Today, we're in the midst of a new crackdown. And with the death this weekend of the legally and emotionally troubled 26-year-old computer genius Aaron Swartz, this one has a body count.

Consider the predicament of today's aspiring member of the white collar leisure class: all of the old ways of doing things seem to be falling apart. Law school, once the fallback of choice for lightly-motivated college educated upper middle class twentysomethings who weren't ready to face The Real World after graduation, is no longer a safe bet at all. Well, how about business school? No, no, no.

Crumbling Time-Prince Jude Law wants the world to know he's perfectly happy to at long last to look like a disgusting skin monster just like everyone else. With his recent conversation with T Magazine ("Who Are You Calling Pretty Boy"), Law has finally completed the ancient ritual of the Aging Male Beauty interview, declaring his utter relief to have finally slid into human levels of attractiveness.

NY prosecutors want to classify street gang crime as "terrorism," even though the gang is not Middle Eastern. Odd.