A porn star and a stripper are trying to beat prostitution charges on a grammatical technicality after prosecutors put "and" in a document where they should have put "or." Luckily for the women, they have a lawyer who—solely on the basis of the following quote—we picture (correctly, it turns out) to be a hilariously stereotypical sleazoid attorney:

Good news, cigarette fans: A judge (in Kentucky, of course) ruled that tobacco companies can use a wide array of colors in their cigarette ads. Bad news: Also full-color will be the graphic, mandatory "You will die" warnings, complete with nasty photos. Good news: Phillip Morris is willing to work with the FDA to gently guide you, the cigarette fan, towards a healthier lifestyle replete with a variety of smokeless tobacco options. For your health.
Bad news: "A cigarette manufacturer is not a physician."
[Pic: Copyranter]

Manhattan federal judge Jed Rakoff has been nicknamed "Judge Dread" on Wall Street for his efforts to hold banks and financial execs accountable for their actions. (He's currently overseeing the case against Bank of America, which is accused of misleading investors regarding bonus payouts, and he's also presiding over the trial of Raj Rajaratnam, the hedgie charged with insider trading.) So how does Rakoff blow off steam when he isn't taking on big banks and crooked execs? He engages in a little ballroom dancing, that's what. [BusinessInsider]

Jeffrey Epstein penis-related legal woes update! The billionaire Bill Clinton pal is currently being sued by 14(!) women who are upset, in retrospect, that they sexually stimulated Epstein for money. He is therefore (legally) harassing them. Nice guy.

An appeals court ruled that Columbia University can't use eminent domain to grab property it wants for its expansion just by calling its neighborhood "blighted." The judges pointed out: Columbia is so freaking shady.

In perhaps the greatest American legal decision since "A Book Named 'John Cleland's Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure' v. Attorney General of Massachusetts," a Pittsburgh court awarded a man $50,000 for flicking off a cop.

In August, artistic nudie model Kathleen Neill was arrested for stripping nude in the Metropolitan Museum, posing for artistic nudie photog Zach Hyman. But now the DA's dropped the case against her—because, guess what, nudity's legal! Lalalalala! Everybody naked!

In your typical Tuesday media column: Americans are zombie slaves to various screens, journalists will compromise for money like everyone else in the world, Indymedia tells the Justice Department to fuck off, and your comically mean reporter of the day.

We mentioned last week that Nidal Malik Hasan, who killed 13 people at Fort Hood, received a concealed weapon permit in 1996 when he was living in Vinton, Va. Here are the highlights from his Roanoke County Circuit Court application.

Maybe Glenn Beck raped and murdered a young girl in 1990, and maybe he didn't. Wherever the truth lies, it's clear that the World Intellectual Property Organization has decided that he can't stop the internet from asking the question.

Last week's assault on cellphone-chatting drivers turned out to be a nice fundraiser for the city: The 7,500 tickets issued during the 24-hour crackdown pumped $975,000 into city coffers. [NYP]

The fiendish "government" is trying to ban clove cigarettes. So Big Clove has invented a novel way to fight back: Getting a court to declare that their clove cigarettes are not, in fact, cigarettes. Dude. Come on. Just declare it.

The Minnesota Supreme Court has ruled that bong water counts as a controlled substance, and you can be prosecuted for it. Who's that knocking on the door? Drink up, hippies.

Nearly a month after Roman Polanski was jailed in Switzerland, the U.S. has filed a formal demand for extradition so he can face sentencing for charges of unlawful sex with a minor. Litigation over the request could take six months.

In 2007, a "developmentally challenged" 20 year-old black woman said she'd been beaten and sexually abused in a racist attack in West Virginia. She's now recanting her story. This, of course, is all Al Sharpton's fault.

Obama's willing to look the other way on the medical marijuana thing. You know who is not, though? Lawmen in L.A., which is now one big legal weed spot. They are such bitches.

The Supreme Court today declined to take the case of a Jewish man who wants to deduct the cost of his kids' Orthodox education as a religious expense, just like Scientologists get to deduct the cost of "auditing."

The CBS newsman accused of blackmailing Letterman has pleaded not guilty to attempted grand larceny by way of extortion. Here's the barebones indictment, which includes no new information. Bail has been set at $200,000.

There wasn't much news at the Manhattan District Attorney's press conference about the plot against David Letterman. But good god, 90-year-old DA Robert Morgenthau should have retired a decade ago, and we're lucky he's out the door next year.

The Obama administration—of all administrations!—announces that it's mostly opposed to a federal shield law protecting reporters from being subpoenaed for their sources. After all the rhetorical cock-gobbling the media did for you, Obama. Quid Pro No? Shame. [NYT]