After so many seasons of shared LOLs, the relationship between Hills stars Lauren Conrad and Audrina Patridge appears to have come to an unfortunate, WTF-tinged end. Rumors are flying that Conrad betrayed her friend by hooking up with Patridge's vacant, hirsute ex-boyfriend Justin "Bobby" Brescia, and today, Patridge took to the Ellen DeGeneres Show to further fan the flames. A clearly mystified DeGeneres tried to sort out the "who's zooming who" particulars with the help of some visual aids, but only a Hills aficionado could make sense of a backstory so simultaneously convoluted and uneventful. Still, all the Dermalogica face cleanser in the world can't hide Patridge's newfound loneliness. Stay strong, auburn-haired one! [The Ellen DeGeneres Show]

[Lauren Conrad, star of "The Hills," with her father in Los Angeles over the weekend; image via Bauer-Griffin] it takes a lot to laugh's new line beats the original, "Sorry Did You Say 'Famous' Or 'Shameless'?"

Though Hills stars Lauren Conrad and Audrina Patridge recently patched up their fractured friendship under the warm, nurturing eye of multiple video cameras, a brand-new rumor has both girls on the outs yet again. Says E!:

• Heather Locklear's DUI bust? Called in by an ex-Us Weekly staffer who now runs a paparazzi agency. She watched Locklear get into the car, then snapped pictures as she was taking her sobriety test. TMZ paid her more than $27,000 for the shots. And, uh, for ensuring road safety or whatever. [Scoop]

♦ Britney Spears went to a Bronx school yesterday to visit some children. Unfortunately, the school was closed for the second day of Rosh Hashanah, so her handlers had to rustle up a bunch of other kids for the photo op. [OK!]
♦ Adnan Ghalib is backtracking on his Britney sex tape story. He now says there never was one to begin with. [MSNBC]
♦ Larry Flynt says his company has already shot a new porn movie starring a Sarah Palin look-alike, although he's not revealing the title yet. [R&M]
♦ Are Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady getting married? [Chicago Sun-Times]
♦ The woman who spotted Heather Locklear's car swerving and dialed 911 was former Us Weekly staffer Jill Ishkanian, who now runs a paparazzi photo agency of her own. [MSNBC]

Zoms, guys. Lauren Conrad from The Hills and Chace Crawford from Gossip Girl (both silly teen shows, one "real," one fake) totally have text all the time. [Intel]

We have to admit, we were surprised at how much our hearts ached in the absence of Lauren Conrad - who was sojourning to Italy for some much needed R&R after exhausting her energy crying mascara tears while sparring with Audrina - during the majority of last night's episode of The Hills. But we knew those crafty MTV producers wouldn't leave us hanging, sending entertainment in the form of Linda Thompson, Brody Jenner's mom. You may be more familiar with Brody's dad, Bruce Jenner, a former Olympian who along with his wife, Kris, helm their clan of estrogen-fueled narcissists on Keeping Up With the Kardashians. Linda, on the other hand, is a plastic-surgery addled cougar extraordinaire who apparently once dated Elvis Presley. Well, on the show last night during Stephanie Pratt and LC's former flame Doug Reinhardt's maybe-date at hotspot Beso, Linda runs into the couple and eyes the shit out of little Dougie the baseball player's physique. "Are you two on a date? Is that what's happening here?" she asks. "Just wondering!" she shrugs, throwing her hands in the air. We're sure you're just curious, Linda. But this is a woman who scored with The King - so the son of a frozen burrito heir? Ain't no thang. [The Hills]

You guys. Remember when Lauren and Audrina totally made up and everything was awesome again? Well now the two stars of MTV's reality dream play The Hills may be on the outs again. Us Weekly breathlessly reports that Audrina, who had been living in a small hermitage on the back acres of Lauren's estate, is moving out. Vans and boxes were seen on Thursday, along with Lo—bitchy mainhouse roommate of Lauren and enemy of Audrina—who was doing cartwheels and making threatening throat cutty gestures to passing children on the front lawn. Where Audrina will go, there's just no way of telling (until the photographers and everybody finds her again). Maybe she'll end up at that big-windowed downtown loft that she looked at last season. That way Audrina could imagine herself in some dystopian future world, where she is the brave heroine, not some blonde floozy. I picture her standing looking out the windows at the glittery lights of downtown LA, finally happy, the muddled cricket hum of Beverly Hills just a dream of landscape she had one night.

♦ It seems like sending out company-wide emails ripping your co-workers is not a good idea: Pat O'Brien has been fired from The Insider. [R&M, P6]
♦ Brandon Davis has been conning his friends out of cash, but whenever anyone tries to get the money back "he starts crying and gets them to feel bad for him." [P6]
♦ Poor Ivana Trump almost had to fly coach this week. But then someone in first class switched seats, so everything turned out okay. Phew. [P6]
♦ Heather Mills is suing her former publicist—the one who very publicly dumped her and called her a "witch"—for libel. [P6]
♦ Anne Hathaway's been crashing on her parents' couch ever since she got booted from Raffaello Follieri's duplex. [In Touch]

"I've been writing it for months and months." As we told you earlier, the Hills star is penning a dubious young-adult series. [Star Magazine]

We know that the cast members of The Hills have many outside talents: Lauren Conrad is an acclaimed young adult author, Heidi Montag makes a second living as a fitness instructor, and Audrina Patridge's blog reveals her to be a face cream connoisseur. But before last night, did we have any idea how skilled the Hills women are at cutting a rug? While watching the band White Tie Affair perform at the Roosevelt, Lauren & Co. kicked out the jams with a series of white-girl moves so fierce that they could be worked into common rotation for just about any type of song, no matter the genre. In fact, to test our theory, we tried out their moves to a very 90's backing track that just so happens to be making a Kanye-assisted comeback. Go Lauren, go Lauren, go! [MTV]

Last night The Hills, MTV's rippling tide pool of a reality series, almost achieved what many thought was impossible: a moment of genuine poignancy and emotion. It involved the series' original gangstas Lauren and Heidi, addressing their shipwrecked friendship in a way that almost spoke quiet volumes about the ways in which friends are won and lost, especially in our early, heady 20's, when all things seem such a big, sad deal. Again, almost. The gears started turning when Heidigger, Heidi's prodigal older sister—now back living in LA after an indeterminate time spent banished in Crested Butte or whatever—expressed an interest in seeing her old friend Lauren, now Heidi's wistful arch nemesis. Spencer forbade Heidigger so see LC, but something in the chipper (and Daler) faced young lady suggested that she may go—daringly!—behind her younger sister's fake boyfriend's back and rekindle the connection. And so they did, meeting for lunch at some sort of "bistro place," talking about old times and how they used to be the Three Musketeers. Which is sort of true. Dissatisfying, poop-like bars of nougat that are tossed aside from a child's Halloween bounty like so many Zagnuts. Lauren expressed some temerity about embarking on friendsies 2.0, because she didn't want to drive a wedge between the Sisters Rosenmontag, as she did with Spencer and his dim sister Spencerina. Lessons learned, LC! This is what the show is all about! Meanwhile Audrina, charged with packing an LA coming-out party for some silly, whiny band called The White Tie Affair (do you get it?), invited her oft bobbing and swaying man friend Justin Bobby. He seemed reluctant to attend, but said he would for her. Of course, the party rolls around and he didn't show. Audy smiled in that softly devastating way that she does, years of disappointment and time spent in the shadows streaking, however fleetingly, across her face. At least Lauren and Lo and Spencerina came, jamming along to the band and flirting with its pierced-nippled members at the poolside after party. And then, in the end, it came back to Heidi and Lauren. Heidi spoke with Heidigger about the past and her hope for the future. "Maybe by some miracle," Heidi hoped, they could be friends again. Lauren chatted with Spencerina (at their computer class!) and said that she didn't want Heidi to get her hopes up (oh you wicked editors). But when Spencerina asked if Lauren missed her old friend, LC made a face bordering on a genuine seriousness, a sudden realization of time's relentlessly ever-churning wheels. She said she did. And then the music swelled and the same sun swirled somewhere above both of them and it seemed for a moment that there was reason to hope still. But the "scenes from the next" didn't show any Heidi/Lauren reconnection, just some nonsense about Spencerina going out with Doug the Frozen Burrito Heir. Perhaps the producers are keeping that storied reunion in their back pocket, in case this is the last season of the show. For now we'll have to wait and, like so many moments spent at that age, wildly wonder.

Aspiring novelists, thinking of paying tens of thousands of dollars for a demanding MFA program and honing your craft in impoverished obscurity for years? Don't bother, just do like Lauren Conrad and display your dazzling intellect and facility for language by, like, staring blankly into space and squeezing out a tear when there's, like, so much drama between Lo and Audrina. And, bingo, a three book deal will be yours! [People]

Though The Hills star Lauren Conrad is highly paid enough without having to do anything but passive-aggressively judge her friends over drinks at Goa, she must be applauded for finding new skills to add to her highly staged resume. First, the 22-year-old took a detour into fashion design, and now, according to People, she's been signed to a three-book deal with HarperCollins. Heretofore limited to short stories in the vein of a Sidekicked "OMG Audrina WTF," the deal will allow Conrad to spread her wings and write young adult fiction:

Anne Hathaway walking with a mystery man downtown ... Jessica Alba shopping for clothes with baby Honor in SoHo ... Rachel Zoe and her assistant Brad arriving at Bryant Park ... Julianne Moore about to cross the street in the Village ... Jennifer Lopez going to lunch at Nello wearing an Oscar de la Renta gown ... Alicia Keys solo and chatting on her cell ... Julia Roberts waving to the paparazzi during a walk downtown ... Sarah Jessica Parker walking with her son James Wilke ... Katie Holmes wearing baggy jeans and carrying a bag ... Barack Obama and Lebron James showing up at the set of the Letterman show ... Lauren Conrad making an appearance at Bloomingdale's to promote her clothing line ... Diane Kruger walking her bike on the sidewalk in front of Anthropologie ... Michelle Trachtenberg and a male friend dressed up and walking in the middle of the street in SoHo ... model May Andersen and friends heading to Bar Pitti ... and Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel heading to Southern Hospitality for a late night dinner.

Budding authors: give up right now. Lauren Conrad, the pleasantly vacant star of scripted reality show The Hills, just got a three-book deal with HarperCollins for young adult novels. The topic? Use your imagination: it'll be about a girl who moves to Los Angeles and "unexpectedly" ends up starring in a reality show. It will be called L.A. Candy. It will "definitely influenced by [her] own life," as she told People. It will be the best YA series of all time. [Usmagazine; illustration: The New Yorker]

[Lauren Conrad of "The Hills" with the wicked Lo at Bryant Park today; image via Getty]

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our millions of Defamer operatives. We'd like to remind you that this feature is powered by you, so if you want to see more installments of PrivacyWatch, then all you've got to do is to send us your sightings. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line so we don't lose them) and tell everyone about the time you saw Ellen Pompeo at the Century City Mall looking like (and we quote) "a Staten Island prostitute". This week's installment also includes: Clint Eastwood, Jerry Seinfeld, Ryan Phillippe, Kirsten Dunst and Justin Long, Farrah Fawcett, James Woods, Dane Cook, John C. Reilly, Lauren Conrad, Ellen Pompeo, P. Diddy (twice in the same night!), Jared Leto, Kevin Federline, Sandra Oh, Seth Green, Balthazar Getty, Pete Wentz, Briam Baumgartner, Zachary Levi, Ciara, Adam "Seymour Butts" Glasser and more.TUESDAY, AUGUST 21 · Sitting in a booth at the recently re-opened Fab's on Van Nuys Blvd in Sherman Oaks at 8pm, Mr. "Hey, Spike Lee, Shut Your Pie-Hole" himself, CLINT EASTWOOD, speaking in hushed tones while dining with Sinatra's favorite opening comic, Tom Dreesen. I couldn't hear if Clint said to the waiter, "Go ahead, make my Chicken Marsala." Even at 93 [Ed. Note: He's actually only 78], Clint looks like he could kick some serious butt. FRIDAY, AUGUST 22 · It was celeb night on Friday 8/22 at the AMC theater at the Century City Mall. Spotted PETE WENTZ standing outside with friends. His hair is flat ironed to oblivion and he is short, almost alarmingly so. Kept his hoodie on the whole time. Jessica's pregnant sister was nowhere in sight. Then, a few minutes later, ELLEN POMPEO (that's Meredith Grey to you) walked by hand-in-hand with her hubby. Super skinny and wearing gross, skin tight white jeans, white shirt with trashy sky high black heels. They were in a rush which made her look like she walks funny because she clearly couldn't handle those heels. We decided she was dressed like a Staten Island prostitute. We decided to hold out a few more minutes on the hope we would spot an elusive A-lister. And before we knew it, PUFF DADDY walked by sans entourage! He is indeed puffy. Mr. Mogul needs to get back to running marathons for charity. He was wearing sunglasses. At 10:30pm. And he was texting while walking briskly. Who says men can't multi-task? · Equinox West Hollywood. PUFF DADDY (again!) makes his entourage wait in the juice bar while he grabs a steam. · JUSTIN LONG and KIRSTEN DUNST were spotted Friday night at the Dragonfly, checking out the show Point Break LIVE! She sat behind him w/ her girlfriends, but Justin kept turning around to talk to her & see her reaction to the craziness onstage. ·Bristol Farms, West Hollywood, 5:30PM (ish). Looking determined to get out and towing a tow-headed child: RYAN PHILLIPPE. Taller than I would have expected, and beefier (but by no means tall). I don't know if he's moved to the neighborhood but the shopping cart was brimming. In case he is, a word of advice: I know it's technically West Hollywood, but the look you should be going for should be more "Daddy out shopping for groceries with my kids on Beverly" and less "Out shopping for a Daddy to buy my groceries on Santa Monica". SATURDAY, AUGUST 23 · He's not a household name, but with 33 film and 40 television credits, let's just say I was surprised to see SEAN WHALEN selling blenders at the Burbank Costco on Saturday, miked up, dressed in a white lab coat and white paper hat. He usually plays nerds, but now he's extolling the virtues of raw food smoothies. Ouch. SUNDAY, AUGUST 24 · Sunday night at the Radiohead show. Saw SANDRA OH with several dudes scrambling to get to their seats. She looked flustered, yet excited. Also saw SETH GREEN in line between songs waiting for beers. He was sporting a trucker hat and has a big, shaggy red beard. He looks like he belongs under a bridge waiting for three billy goats gruff. Lastly, also saw BALTHAZAR GETTY near the beer line between songs, wearing douchey skinny jeans and chomping on cigarettes. Dude looked like he was having way too much fun, like he'd just ditched his wife and kids for a hot chick who likes to bang while only wearing a sailor's hat. Oh, wait... · As I approached the cool 'n' groovy Santa Monica/Fairfax Whole Foods, I saw two paps outside aiming their lenses into the store. Store security blocked their view. I heard someone say, "She's the one in orange," and then noticed LAUREN CONRAD in a cute orange summer dress, casual hair, grinding her own peanut butter near the bulk grains. No, she did not have an assistant to pour in the peanuts and press the button for her. When I left she was checking out, the paps were lining up, and the Whole Foods security guys, looking vaguely energized, were preparing to escort Ms. Conrad to her vehicle. MONDAY, AUGUST 25 · Monday night, Radiohead at the Bowl. After briefly encountering JARED LETO (dressed a bit like Shia in Indiana Jones) on the concourse leading a small scuzzy posse around and claiming that he had extra seats, I was surprised to see him all alone in the pool circle up front where I was seated (second row, yo!). Jared apparently ditched his "boys" and tried a bum rush to get up front as the lights went down. Multiple security guards stopped him and he immediately went into "Don't you know who I am?" mode. At first it was high-larious, but then it became a bit pathetic. And then it became a lot pathetic. He just would not give up. It didn't matter. They hauled him away just before the band came out and killed it. I'd like to believe that Radiohead hates Jared's stupid fucking band and the noise pollution he calls music as much as I and everyone else at the show does, and that they ordered security to remove him from their immediate vicinity, but more than likely Thom Yorke has never heard of 30 (Minutes? Miles? I refuse to google.) to Mars. To Thom, it was probably just another dumb asshole without a ticket getting the boot from the front. Which is exactly what it was. ·Saw JAMES WOODS on 8/25 on Burton Way near Raffles L'Ermitage Beverly Hills. He was on the phone and completely plugged into it. Looks pretty good for a man his age. No sign of his 20 year old girl anywhere. TUESDAY, AUGUST 26 · Comedy Antichrist DANE COOK was at Crunch. His name was on the marquee at the Laugh Factory across the street, so I'm guessing it was some sort of pre- or post-show routine. If you imagined that he'd work out in a backwards baseball cap and muscle shirt, thereby confirming your image of him as a superannuated, doughy-faced, overgrown frat boy - you'd be correct. WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 27 · Two fun (separate) sightings. Saw Kevin (BRAIN BAUMGARTNER) from Scrantonicity (and, yes, The Office); and, Chuck (ZACHARY LEVI), from, well, Chuck at the Studio City Starbucks. Both taking meetings around the corner at the NBC/Universal building? Kevin wearing shorts, Chuck driving a gas-guzzling Chevy Tahoe. Bad choices, boys. · Eyed R&B sensation/masturbation fantasy CIARA placing a to-go order at the El Pollo Loco on Sunset and Crescent Heights around 4:40pm. Body was insane. · I was walking back to my office from Rick's Tavern yesterday around 8:35pm going South on Main St when, lo and behold, JERRY SEINFELD was walking the opposite direction. He was with a group of like 3 or 4 friends and looking casual but good. Hoodie and glasses and admiring the motor bikes parked on the street. · Saw Seymore Butts (born ADAM GLASSER) in the Miracle Mile Marie Callender's today. No cameras, no nudity, no sex acts being performed. But seriously, I saw Seymore Butts!!! FRIDAY, AUGUST 29 · Walking through the hallways of a building deep in the heart of Toluca Lake around 3:30pm is FARRAH FAWCETT. Farrah raised her head to look me in the eye with a a look that said "Yes I am Farrah Fawcett and don't talk to me" Farrah had heavy duty perfume situation going on that wafted in the hallway well after she left the building. Christie Brinkley is about the same age as her but Farrah looks like she has been through the ringer and had a rough, rough hard drinking, hard partying, heavy tanning life. Use sunscreen, kids. Use Sunscreen. · Not sure if KEVIN FEDERLINE is a real "sighting" but we saw Father of The Year at Malibu Seafood on Friday. Did not look overly douche-y. Was with a few guys, both whom I recognized but neither that I could place. · We saw JOHN C. REILLY out in Dublin's (as in, Ireland) posh south side last Friday. We couldn't remember his name right off. We called him "Not-Will-Ferrell". He didn't seem to mind. [Photo Credit: X17]

For months, the rumor mill has been buzzing that Whitney Port of The Hills (she of the goofy mugging and relatively drama-free lifestyle) would be receiving her own, New York-set MTV spinoff. Last night's Hills episode, then, seemed in many cases like a trial run for that series, as fearsome People's Revolution flack Kelly Cutrone sent Whitney to the Big Apple to do some model castings, eventually manipulating the gangly blonde into a date with a shaggy-haired hunk. Does Whitney have what it takes to assume center stage, or is she forever destined to play curious second fiddle to the mothership series' Lauren Conrad? Remarkably (and with the help of videographer Molly McAleer), we were able to get our hands on a classified notes session smuggled from deep inside the bowels of MTV, and the candid reactions from execs Sheryl Rather-Wexler and Kip Finkelberg Jr. may shed some new light on Whitney's primetime viability. Godspeed, girl. [MTV]

Tuesday morning recap gobbledygook continues, now with The Hills, which last night sprinkled its pewter-sparkle-sleeping-sand over our eyes in the third episode of the MTV reality mire's fourth season. Last night we saw more Brecht-inspired fakery from Spencer and Spencerina and the increasingly little-seen Heidi (what's up with that? I find it strangely... admirable). We saw the frozen burrito heir defrosted. And, most importantly, we saw brave Whitney tumble blithely and charmingly down the rabbit hole, all the way to our fair, gray Gotham. Yes, Whitney finally began her bi-coastal Kelly Cutrone adventure, and boy did it start with a bang! Or, at least the potential for a bang. Yes, Whitney's first assignment was to help a casting for male models, impossibly-abbed lads with tousled hair and lazy, ambling gaits. And it made her wonderful dinner plate eyes bug out even more than usual. She was freaking out, albeit in the saturnine, slow lake ripple way that she freaks out. Kelly, schooling her on "multitasking in the power-bitch world," slyly arranged a date for Whitney with one of the models, a scruffy Columbia grad called Alex. Of course Kelly and company were mysteriously absent for the planned evening drinks, so it was just Whitney and the Morningside beau, left to wander the flat and blocky streets of Soho, making canned cute. That said, I would totally watch Whitney's show if it became a, heh, reality. Oh, and yes, Lauren did end it with Doug the Frozen Burrito Heir, leaving him to contemplate the nature of loss in his well-designed bachelor pad perched high atop the Hollywood hills. At the end of the episode, Lauren pensively navigated those mounds of earth to which her success is owed, perhaps doing some moral arithmetic. "And this relationship ending equals this. And that equals this. And he equals this. And her times him equals me divided by... something." It looks as though things with Spencerina and the boys will teeter into the deep end next week, perhaps providing the final "It's a second pair of legs! A whole second lady!" magician's fumble that will once and for all put this show to bed. Now it's time to get in bed and cuddle, my dear. [Shudder]