Tuesday morning recap gobbledygook continues, now with The Hills, which last night sprinkled its pewter-sparkle-sleeping-sand over our eyes in the third episode of the MTV reality mire's fourth season. Last night we saw more Brecht-inspired fakery from Spencer and Spencerina and the increasingly little-seen Heidi (what's up with that? I find it strangely... admirable). We saw the frozen burrito heir defrosted. And, most importantly, we saw brave Whitney tumble blithely and charmingly down the rabbit hole, all the way to our fair, gray Gotham. Yes, Whitney finally began her bi-coastal Kelly Cutrone adventure, and boy did it start with a bang! Or, at least the potential for a bang. Yes, Whitney's first assignment was to help a casting for male models, impossibly-abbed lads with tousled hair and lazy, ambling gaits. And it made her wonderful dinner plate eyes bug out even more than usual. She was freaking out, albeit in the saturnine, slow lake ripple way that she freaks out. Kelly, schooling her on "multitasking in the power-bitch world," slyly arranged a date for Whitney with one of the models, a scruffy Columbia grad called Alex. Of course Kelly and company were mysteriously absent for the planned evening drinks, so it was just Whitney and the Morningside beau, left to wander the flat and blocky streets of Soho, making canned cute. That said, I would totally watch Whitney's show if it became a, heh, reality. Oh, and yes, Lauren did end it with Doug the Frozen Burrito Heir, leaving him to contemplate the nature of loss in his well-designed bachelor pad perched high atop the Hollywood hills. At the end of the episode, Lauren pensively navigated those mounds of earth to which her success is owed, perhaps doing some moral arithmetic. "And this relationship ending equals this. And that equals this. And he equals this. And her times him equals me divided by... something." It looks as though things with Spencerina and the boys will teeter into the deep end next week, perhaps providing the final "It's a second pair of legs! A whole second lady!" magician's fumble that will once and for all put this show to bed. Now it's time to get in bed and cuddle, my dear. [Shudder]