Lance Armstrong, riding in his last Tour de France, is nearly 12 minutes behind: "My Tour is finished."

"17 stitches later" Katy Perry contemplates using a walker onstage. The cast of Glee won't stop banging on set. Conan and Lance Armstrong get in a Twitter fight. Tiki Barber is broke. Wednesday gossip gets you through the hump.

Lance Armstrong, True American Hero (and cleanest cyclist ever), is upset with Outside magazine for Photoshopping a slogan onto his t-shirt. So he did what you might expect—he took to the Twitter, writing "That's some lame bullshit. #weak."

Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry split. Chelsea Handler has a sex tape. Johnny Weir and Evan Lysacek are at war. Lance Armstrong's unborn baby has a Twitter account. A topless bong pic causes controversy. Saturday's gossip roundup is making waves.

Marketing a revolutionary anti-chaffing product meant expressly for testicles might seem like an awkward endeavor, but not when Lance Armstrong and his single ball are on-board. The cycling champion joins DZ-NUTS' inventor in the struggle to salve all mankind's junk.

David Karp lectured the twittering masses on acting "classy," Lance Armstrong held forth on what Real Men don't do on the internet, and Andrew Keen detested your inspirational quotes. The Twitterati were feeling judgy.

James Gandolfini turns 48 today. Lance Armstrong is turning 38. Jada Pinkett Smith is 38 today, too. Designer Karim Rashid is 49. Comic actor Fred Willard is turning 70. Actor James Marsden is 36. The Brazilian soccer star Ronaldo is turning 33. The rapper Xzibit is turning 35. Senator Bob Bennett of Utah is 75. Actress and former Talk Soup host Aisha Tyler is 39. Singer Frankie Avalon is turning 69. Actress Holly Robinson Peete is 45 today. And Robert Blake, the former Baretta star who was acquitted of murder in 2005, turns 76 today. You'll find weekend birthdays listed below.

Damien Hirst thrives on creating controversy. (One of his first works to garner attention was that dead shark suspended in formaldehyde, which is now part of hedge fund mogul Steve Cohen's collection.) So it's hardly a surprise that he's stirring the pot once again. But this time Lance Armstrong gets to go along for the ride.

A car chase failed to end on camera, making MSNBC's David Shuster sad; Ben Stiller hobnobbed merrily with Lance Armstrong; and a blogger became fascinated with Lydia Hearst's fulsome... theories in financial regulation. The Twitterati were excitable today.

Lance Armstrong uncensored his Wall Street Journal letter saying everyone hates Greg LeMond, except Lance Armstrong; Daily Show people had a vicious fight about chairs and the Economist got snarked on. The Twitterati got it out of their systems.

Britney is hell bent on meeting the Queen and is planning a "pop-in," Kristin Cavallari is pissing off Audrina Patridge on the set of The Hills, Brangelina denies breakup rumors AGAIN, and Jon Gosselin and his mistress are photographed on vacation.

• Madonna's backup dancers haven't been making friends at the Bryant Park Hotel. Reports a staffer: "They are presumptuous and cheap. Nearly every one of them have stiffed their bellman and servers, and what's worse is they have tons of stuff." [P6]
• The situations continues to deteriorate for Lindsay Lohan: She's rumored to be pawning jewelry to pay the bills. [Star via Popcrunch]
• Britney intends to "drop by Buckingham Palace" and say hi to the Queen when she's in London, which is awfully generous of her, isn't it? [Mirror]
• The circumstances surrounding David Carradine's death are still a little murky. Suicide? Sex-related accidental death? The investigation is still underway. [People, Us, TMZ]

Sarah Jessica Parker's surrogate is blessed with bisexual rocker-dom; Lindsay Lohan's sister has been baptized into mega-decauchery; and Mel Gibson's family will be born into sin.

• Eliot and Silda Spitzer made their first public appearance together last night. The couple turned up at the Waldorf for the eighth annual Children's Benefit Gala and were spotted holding hands and making "lovey-dovey looks at each other." Unconditional love is a beautiful thing. [NYDN]
• The stress over the Kiefer Sutherland/Jack McCollough incident must be getting to Brooke Shields: She was spotted looking "upset, overwhelmed and stressed" at the Innocence Project gala on Wednesday night. On a related note, the desk appearance ticket Kiefer received yesterday means he will be a free man until he shows up in court on June 21. [NYDN, NYP]
• Lindsay Lohan's 15-year-old sister Ali has reportedly dropped out of high school so she can party full-time with her big sister. Good work, Dina. [P6]
• Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick are expecting girls when their surrogate gives birth in a few weeks. [OK!]

• Things aren't looking up for Damon Dash. He's lost a fortune recently and is buried under a mountain of debt. Now it looks like he's losing his wife, too: Rachel Roy just slapped the hip hop mogul with divorce papers. [NYDN]
• David Letterman and his longtime girlfriend Regina Lasko got married last week. [NYP, Us]
• Courtenay Semel, daughter of media mogul Terry Semel and occasional girlfriend of Casey Johnson, has checked into rehab. [P6]
• The real reason behind Jen Aniston and John Mayer's split? Jen was supposedly sick of his "obsession" with Twitter. Naturally. [Sun, Telegraph]

This isn't the best time for a socialite to be pitching a high-end lifestyle brand. But you can't blame Tory Burch for trying to remake her image to suit the current economic climate. Burch, who is now preparing to introduce her line to British shoppers, "has created the go-to brand for affordable luxury" and is now a "portal to accessible chic," reports the Sunday Times. And she expects her line to continue to grow as hedge-fund wives "downgrade from Hermès and Halston." "We have a lot of designer customers shopping in our stores who think of us as their Gap," Burch explains. As for her high-profile split from ex-husband Chris Burch and the handful of men she's been linked to since then (including Lance Armstrong, Ron Perelman, and Lyor Cohen), don't think for a minute she's been pleased to see her name in the news:

• Bruce Wasserstein has been keeping busy. In between splitting up with his third wife and marrying his fourth, he found the time to have a baby with a recent Columbia Business School grad, with whom he's now sharing custody of a 10-month-old girl. [P6]
• The LAPD have launched an investigation into who leaked a confidential photo of a battered and bruised Rihanna to TMZ. [TMZ, E!]
• Whitney Port said this week that Olivia Palermo can be "very difficult to worth with," and that she occasionally wants to "slap her." Join the club. [AH]
• Madonna is reportedly planning to use the Vanity Fair Oscar party on Sunday to introduce Jesus Luz to the world as her new boyfriend. [OK!]
• Portia De Rossi is reportedly preparing to undergo IVF so she and Ellen DeGeneres can have a baby. [SFGate]

• Naomi Campbell has settled a lawsuit by a former maid who alleged the world's most temperamental supermodel threw her phone at her head after she failed to find a pair of misplaced jeans back in 2006. [NYDN]
• Casey Johnson and Courtenay Semel appear to have made up following their violent brawl. They're heading to Sundance together. [P6]
• Guy Ritchie spent time at Madonna's apartment on Tuesday. Not because they're reconciling, but because Madonna's daughter Lourdes insisted on it. [NYDN]
• George Soros has a new "friend," a model 50 years his junior named Kate Gibbs. This is what she looks like, just in case you're curious. [P6]
• Book agent and man-about-town Luke Janklow and his wife, Sweetiepie owner Julie Janklow, appear to be headed for divorce. [P6]

• Was the "exhaustion" that sent Samantha Ronson to the hospital the result of a marathon screaming match with Lindsay? [TMZ]
• Walter Noel's five daughters are a bunch of maneaters who used to steal other girls' boyfriends, at least according to one of their former Georgetown classmates. [P6]
• Now that he's dated half the blondes in New York, Lance Armstrong says he's having a baby with his girlfriend, Anna Hansen. [NYDN, PM]
• Star Jones has supposedly gained 30 lbs. recently and is now worried her boyfriend, chef Herb Wilson, is going to dump her because of it. [NE]

Drew Barrymore walking in the West Village ... Alex Rodriguez leaving a workout at the Reebok Gym ... Spike Lee posing for photos outside a hotel ... Julianne Moore carrying a shopping bag ... Kelly Ripa and David Blaine hanging upside down in Central Park for a Live segment ... Blake Lively and Leighton Meester walking around the Gossip Girl set ... Real Housewives' Alex McCord posing on the red carpet at the Metropolitan Opera season opener ... Actor Mark Ruffalo holding hands with his wife as they cross the street ... Natasha Bedingfield and Caroline Rhea leaving ABC Studios in Midtown ... and Chris Rock and Lance Armstrong outside the David Letterman show.