If you tried to pick up a boulder, it would be too heavy. If you tried to pick up a single grain of sand, it would be too small to find. And even if you managed to grab it, you might drop it in your salad—then you have that "sand" taste to look forward to. Yuck.

Imagine opening a bag of Scrabble letters and scattering them across the ground. You look down, and "Z-E-N" is spelled out at your feet. Your face remains expressionless. In your hand is an empanada. But it's not time to eat.

You may have heard reference to the word "zen." You may also have heard reference to the word "zazen." What is the difference? Uh... "zazen" is German. Enough with these foolish questions.

One day, a man came to a door. He opened the door. And behind the door he found: a room. Yes. A perfectly silent room. This story continues... in hell.

We all know that "zen" is both a word and an idea. But what about "zenp?" Nope. That's just a meaningless sound. But what if that sound meant: "a frog?" See? Nowwww, you're getting it.

In this digital age of nonstop wireless on-demand pornography, it can be difficult to maintain an attitude of zen. Not if you redefine "zen" as "Uhhh, electron shit running through my brain," though. Then it works out fine.

If you are the type of person who throws around the word "zen" just to make yourself feel important, consider this: *the complete lack of sound.* Now who is "zen," you faux-spiritual fop?

If you're having trouble grasping the concept of zen, try this: cover your hands with glue. Grasp a pencil very tightly. Is that pencil like zen? No, it's not. Is the following koan like zen? At least as much as a pencil, yes.

Zen. Zen. Zen. Zen. Say it with me. Zen. Zen. Zen. Do you feel the word? Do you feel its size? That's ridiculous. And that's what zen is all about. Today's zen koan is somewhere. Can you "find" it?

"Zen!" shouts the forest. "Zen!" screams the tree. "Zen!" yells the leaf. But the stupid aphid on the leaf can only reply, "Huh?" This is why koans were invented. Do you understand?

If the word "Zen" leaves you feeling lost and confused, try this: stop. That's right: stop. Look around. What are you stopping? Exactly. Or is it stopping you? Do you see now? You shouldn't—this was all in your mind. Think about it—but with what?

Over there—what's that? It's Zen. "But I don't even know what you were pointing at," objects the unenlightened slob (you). My son! That is precisely the point. Open your mind. Meet your new friend, Mr. Wisdom.

"Zen" is much more than just the password to Caity Weaver's Paypal account; it is an ancient practice, dating back to an ancient time. A time of dirt, and rock, and earth. There were people too, obviously. Goes without saying. People making koans.

We all have questions. Why are we here? What is this? Where am I? What's that, over there? These questions aren't "weird." They're a normal part of the search for truth. Come—sit. Here—now. Have you heard of zen? We have a story for you.

"Zen" is far more than the sound that a ninja's throwing star makes as it whistles past your ear. Contrary to popular belief, the role of ninjas in Zen is minor, at most. What is Zen really about? Koans. What are koans? Oh ho.

"What is Zen?" STOP.The mere fact that you ask reveals you as one of the unenlightened. First, embrace the fact that you are but a tiny atomic chrysalis in the midst of a universe-sized butterfly, flapping, musically, free. Next, consider a koan— together, with us, as one.

"Zen" is more than just a random jumble of four [three? check this-ed.] letters. It is a way of seeing the world, like a "Google Glass" made of cloudy opals mined on a frozen sun. What do zen koans mean? Let's explore, together.

"Zen" is more than just the sound that a wasp makes; it is a way of life. Think of life as a path through a dark forest. Now think of zen as either a torch, or a set of written instructions, or possibly a Power Bar in your fanny pack. Together, we will figure out what zen koans are "all about."

For the layman, "Zen" is little more than three artfully arranged letters. For the master, though, it is so much more. Zen koans, the puzzling riddles of the soul— who do they even think they are? Gawker, an online website, is here to shine light on the path to en-light-enment.

For many, "Zen" is a vague and foreign concept, as impermeable as the rock over which the river flows. Zen koans, those mystifying stories— what do they mean? And why? Gawker, an internet blog, is here to assist in the process of enlightenment.