We figured DJ Paulie Disco would be the first of MTV's guidos to land a recording contract, but TMZ got their hands on a snippet of The Situation's single. It's sort of like a Snooki punch to your eardrums.

Thanks to Bravo, we all know that Real Housewife of New York Countess LuAnn was recording a single in the "Tardy with the Party" style. "Money Can't Buy You Class" has arrived and is as bad as you imagined.

Lourdes wishes her mom didn't date men young enough to be her brother. A woman named Skittles Valentine tells all about her Jesse James orgy. Khloe Kardashian goes Girls Gone Wild. Thursday's gossip roundup is overexposed.

After repeatedly denying she was, as Andy Cohen put it, swimming in the lady pond, Kim Zolciak opened up to Life & Style magazine about her relationship with gay circuit DJ Tracy Young. Does Big Poppa like threeways? [Getty]

Ahh, spring. When reality stars' fancies turn to lesbian publicity stunts. Kim Zolciak, from the planet Zolciak, is apparently dating female DJ Tracy Young. Just like Lindsay Lohan did with that Ronson girl, a known DJ! Awfully passe, Kim, really.

• There's both good and bad news for Mischa Barton. The bad: She's reportedly drinking again and was seen "knocking back shots and drinking margaritas" earlier this week. (As you may remember, that sort of behavior led Mischa to spend some time in the hospital this past summer.) The good news: She supposedly looked "healthy" and "in control" while doing it, so it should be a few months before she hits bottom again and is forced to make a return trip. [P6]
• Think a good thought for Madonna. Louis Vuitton has decided to drop Madge as the face of the brand and replace her with 25-year-old supermodel Lara Stone. [Sun]
• The last 24 hours of Tiger: Holly Sampson, the porn star who had been suspected of having a tryst with Tiger, confirmed the rumor yesterday; meanwhile, Hollywood madam Michelle Braun says Woods spent $60,000 on hookers between 2006 and 2007, was into the "college cutie, girls-next-door look," and was a fan of three-ways, too. Luckily for Tiger, the reports about his dozen or so mistresses (and all the kinky specifics) may not spell disaster for his marriage to Elin Nordegren. Several tabloids report that Woods has come clean to Elin about "all" of his misbehavior in recent days and she's planning to stay with him.

[Real Housewives of Atlanta Kim Zolciak and NeNe Leakes must have made up after their strangulation incident, because they were hooting it up together in L.A. last night. Image via X17]

Leighton Meester released her "first" single today on Ryan Seacrest's radio show. It is horrible. Just as every actor wants to direct, every female TV star wants to be a singer. It never ends well.

Many of us have heard and survived ghastly "real housewife" Kim Zolciak's single, "Tardy for the Party." So, who actually bought it? People who like RuPaul, which makes sense. But all that twisted love actually belongs to NeNe.

God bless America, where men can dress as women and drunken train wrecks like Kim Zolciak can record — and promote — a terrible song. But what happens when those dreams converge and become a nightmare?

Last night, the sounds coming out of the mouths of the Real Housewives of Atlanta were even more dulcet and beguiling than Kim Zolciak's debut single. There is only one appropriate response to such beauty: poetry.

When looking for a city to chart the materialist lives of wealthy women, how did Atlanta come in third after iconic locations Orange County and New York? Apparently because it is the nexus of all bat-shit insane drama.

Blogs, Facebook, and Twitter were supposed to liberate famous people from old-media gatekeepers. But John Mayer, Courtney Love, and others are teaching us that public figures are terrible at shaping their own image.

Rather than trying to clean up her image, be-weaved country tune warbler Kim Zolciak, from Real Housewives of Atlanta, is doing the next best thing. She's decided to sue her former publicist.

• Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer made their first awards show appearance together at last night's Oscars, sitting just 12 seats away from Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, although they managed to avoid a run-in by skipping the red carpet and showing up at different pre-show parties over the weekend. [People, NYDN]
• Uma Thurman, Darren Aronofsky, Rachel Weisz, Natalie Portman, and Daniel Craig all skipped out of the show early to head over to the Vanity Fair bash, where Graydon Carter invited Chesley Sullenberger and his wife Lori as surprise guests. [LAT, P6]
• Penelope Cruz and Tom Cruise had an awkward encounter at CAA head Bryan Lourd's house party on Friday night, while Oprah and Gayle King held court at Barry Diller and Diane von Furstenberg's pre-Oscars bash, and everyone "partied like it was 1999" at Harvey Weinstein's gathering. [P6, P6, Fox 411]
• At the Spirit Awards on Saturday, Mickey Rourke "playfully mauled" Rachel Weisz and "made a grab" at Jessica Alba's chest. [People, NYDN]
• A full list of Oscar winners, in case you missed the action last night. [People]

Kim Zolciak, the homewrecking, fake-cancer-surviving star of The Real Housewives of Atlanta has lost control of her blog to a surly "webmaster" demanding payment — according to someone at her (former?) PR firm.

Stronger for having survived a false cancer diagnosis (as represented by the looped cougar-skin ribbon on her lapel), rising Real Housewives of Atlanta star Kim Zolciak has added her voice to the ever-expanding celebrity blogosphere.

A Thanksgiving dinner almost seems superfluous after the feast that was last night's Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion special. There were almost too many highlights to name, though we're sure that noted NeNe aficionado Anderson Cooper was squealing when the buxom breakout went flying at adulteress Kim Zolciak, screaming, "CLOSE YOUR LEGS TO MARRIED MEN! CLOSE YOUR LEGS TO MARRIED MEN!" (She then had to be sat on to avoid further confrontations.) Still, Kim proved her worth in one head-spinning, wig-justifying anecdote:When Bravo figurehead Andy Cohen related an email sent by viewer "Murtice, from Oakland" inquiring about Kim's suspicious hairdo, the Housewife collapsed into a dizzy-making story about how she only had to wear a wig because she had... well, if someone else would like to say "cancer," then she'll go with that. However, after milking what little sympathy she could out of a stone-faced, skeptical NeNe, Cohen pressed Kim further, forcing her to relate a breakdown at Chili's (!) where she discovered that actually, she never had cancer in the first place. It's a fictional miracle! Videogum's got the clip: Click to view