Just after South Korea's military finished playing with its big weapons today near the border, North Korea's military chief said his country was ready to wage a nuclear "holy war" against the South if they don't chill out. [Reuters]

The giant diplomatic cable dump released by Wikileaks today represents the world's largest leak of geopolitical gossip: Diplomats tittering about world leaders' sexxxy affairs, their financial skeeziness and weird quirks. Let's dive into a U.S. Embassy gossip roundup!

North Korea says it will pummel the South under "a merciless shower of fire" unless the "arch-criminal" U.S. and South Korea call off war games scheduled for today in disputed waters off the west coast of the peninsula. [WaPo]

North Korean troops have fired at South Korean soldiers along the border.

As has been speculated—but almost never documented—Kim Jong-Il is balding, his iconic pompadour but an elaborate combover. An Iranian photographer somehow slipped behind the Dear Leader during the weekend's anniversary hoopla and photographed it.

North Korea's next leader, Kim Jong-un, appeared on live television today with his dad, Kim Jong-il at a lavish military parade in Pyongyang that observers say is the largest ever there. Tanks! Missiles! Dancers! Dictators! Sounds like a great party.

A high-ranking North Korean official today confirmed that Kim Jong-un will be the country's next leader.

When South Korea last blared propaganda and obnoxious music from 11 sets of loudspeakers along the border with North Korea, the North threatened to turn Seoul "into a sea of flame." So Seoul is cranking the music back up again.

This is the first official photo of Kim Jong Un, third son and likely successor of current Leader Kim Jong Il. (He's on the left). Remember this moment when he signs a peace accord in 2035 with President Snooki!

[Kim Jong-Il and leaders of the Workers' Party at the Workers' Party convention in Pyongyang. (Choosing his successor, not actually auctioning off statues.) Photo via Getty Images.]

North Korea's Dear Leader Kim Jong-il promoted both his sister, Kim Kyong-hui, and his youngest son, Kim Jon-un to four start generals in a move that experts say is a precursor to the younger Kim taking control of the country.

With Kim Jong-il ailing, North Korea announced it will hold a Workers' Party conference next Tuesday where Kim's youngest son, Kim Jong-un is expected to be introduced as heir to the Dear Leader's throne. Kim should've picked this son instead.

North Korea has postponed a major political convention—is it because Kim Jong Il's sick? Some have seen signs of kidney failure; some say it's pancreatic cancer. Let's hope he doesn't pass out on a nuclear missile's "launch" button.

Today is the 62nd anniversary of the founding of North Korea, but it's been a tough year: Kim Jong-il's bourbon stash is shrinking, they were creeped out by Facebook, and blew it at the World Cup. There's always next year!

The U.S. government again is trying to clamp down on North Korea through sanctions aimed at the country's top leaders and, more specifically, the notorious Office 39, which is widely seen as an "investment bank" for North Korea's elite.

[A photo released today by the Korean Central News Agency shows North Korean leader Kim Jong-il inspecting eggs at the 927 Chicken Farm near Pyongyang. Meanwhile, in the USA, 550 million tainted eggs have been recalled. Image via AP]

[Yesterday North Korea held the opening ceremony for its Arirang Festival — a two month gymnastics and dance performance that includes some 100,000 participants. Image via AP/KCNA]

When North Korea bowed out of the World Cup after losing every match, everyone wondered what would happen to them: Would they be sent to the coal mines? Executed? Fed to Kim Jong-Il's half-man/half-tiger monsters? They were publicly shamed.

In response to this weekend's joint US-South Korean naval exercises in the Sea of Japan, North Korea today said it will launch a "sacred war" and use its "nuclear deterrent" to crush the imperialists and its puppet regime.

Despite developing an anti-aging super drink, North Korean leader Kim Jong-il is thinking about succession. The Workers' Party of Korea will hold a selection meeting in September and Kim's youngest son, Kim Jong-un, is thought to be next in line.