• Lindsay Lohan was supposed to go to Vienna so she could accompany creepy billionaire Richard Lugner to the Vienna Opera Ball. (He brings a different celeb or model to the event every year and pays them $150,000 for the pleasure.) Sadly, Lindsay missed her chance to collect the much-needed cash. She ran up a $22K bill at the airport duty free shop and couldn't pay the bill, and the ensuing drama forced her to miss the flight. So she didn't get Lugner's check, she has $22K in stuff she doesn't need, and her house is even more cluttered. That worked out well! [DM, P6]
• The reason Alec Baldwin was rushed to the hospital in the middle of the night yesterday? Apparently he got into a fight with his 14-year-old daughter, Ireland, over the phone and threatened to "take some pills," then she called 911 and an ambulance showed up, and Alec was like, "Ugh, fine I'll go to the hospital," and he spent about an hour in the ER before doctors sent him home. His rep says it was "all a misunderstanding," and it's possible that his ex-wife, Kim Basinger, actually prompted Ireland to call 911 in an effort to embarrass him. But Alec didn't make the situation any better when he returned home on Thursday night and "assaulted" a Post photographer who was waiting for him outside his apartment building. [Fox411, NYP, Daily News, Us]
• John Mayer broke down on stage in Nashville on Wednesday, thanked his band for standing by him, and vowed to "quit the media game." Finally! [Us]
• Bill Clinton was hospitalized yesterday after complaining of chest pains. Doctors inserted two stents into a blocked artery and the ex-president is now at home in Chappaqua and "in good spirits." [People]

Hailey Glassman lands the lowest of blows and a terrifying magazine cover. Should Alec Baldwin blame his hospitalization on his ex-wife or his daughter? Suri Cruise wears lipstick. Quentin Tarantino wears out his welcome. TGIFriday gossip.

Kim Basinger turns 56 today. Ann Coulter is turning 48. Teri Hatcher is 45. Dominic Monaghan of The Lord of the Rings and Lost is turning 33. Sinead O'Connor is 43. Nancy Meyers, the director of films like The Parent Trap and What Women Want, is 60. The Allman Brothers' Gregg Allman is 62. Former Yankee Mike Mussina turns 41. Guitarist Nick Zinner from the Yeah Yeah Yeahs is turning 35. Author Bill Bryson is 58. Mexican model Elsa Benítez is 32. And Jackass co-creator Jeff Tremaine turns 43 today.

FACTUAL CORRECTION: Alec Baldwin denies purchasing his daughter Ireland this terrifying cake in the shape of rap personality and famed drug consumer Lil Wayne. It must have been Kim Basinger who special-ordered the toothy, licorice-haired monstrosity. [Vulture]

Ireland, the 14 year-old daughter of Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger, got this Lil Wayne birthday cake. What a thing. [Pic: Rosebud Cakes]

Today is Ann Coulter's 47th birthday. Sadly, since it was only a couple of weeks ago that her jaw was wired shut after an accident, it's unclear if Coulter will get to blow out any candles or eat any birthday cake today. Others celebrating: Teri Hatcher is 44. Sinead O'Connor is turning 42. Lost's Dominic Monaghan is 32. Nick Zinner of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs is 34. The Allman Brothers' Gregg Allman turning 61. Mike Mussina is 40. David Carradine is 72. Jackass co-creator Jeff Tremaine is turning 42. And Kim Basinger is turning 55, although she probably won't be getting any warm birthday wishes from Alec Baldwin.

Though we'll miss you for the next half-hour, reading the New Yorker's brand-new, 8,168-word profile of 30 Rock star Alec Baldwin is most certainly the best thing you could do all day. Entitled "Why Me?", it's the story of a manic, magnetic actor having a mid-life career resurgence obvious to everyone but Baldwin himself. Though everyone around the actor tries to convinces him that his stint as Jack Donaghy is the role of a lifetime, Baldwin can't quite settle down and enjoy himself; in fact, he initially wanted to do no more than six episodes of 30 Rock per season. That NBC wanted (and eventually got) him to sign up for more earned this hilarious, My Name is Earl-lacerating monologue from Baldwin:

With his success on the awesome 30 Rock, Alec Baldwin's been enjoying his reclaimed status as beloved funny dude for the last couple of years now. But raise the subject of his ex-wife Kim Basinger and you'll be treated to hot flashes of psycho "you're a little pig" voicemail dad. In a profile in the upcoming New Yorker, he asks, "Think I'm walking stiffly? Yeah, there's a 120-pound actress on my back." Baldwin's gripe, he says, is that Basinger is constantly trying to drive a wedge between him and their 12-year-old daughter, Ireland.

• John Edwards probably won't be invited to speak at the Democratic national convention unless he addresses those nagging rumors that he had a love child with Rielle Hunter. [Page Six]

Normally you can count on Alec Baldwin to deliver uncensored digs at his ex-wife Kim Basinger (and, occasionally, his little daughter Ireland). But Baldwin's new "divorce diary," A Promise to Ourselves: Fatherhood, Divorce, and Family Law, seems like it's going to be a snoozer. According to the book's flimsy introduction—which Baldwin handed out at BookExpo in LA over the weekend—the tome skips over dirty details of his marriage to Basinger and instead focuses on judges, marriages counselors, lawyers, and the "corrupt" American divorce court system in general. Why would someone trying to sell books leave out all the juicy details, you ask? Blame it on the judge: Many of the specifics of Baldwin's battle with Basinger are sealed under court order. Baldwin was smart enough, however, to slip a choice insult or two into interviews with the press: "My ex-wife reaches an almost sexual level of satisfaction when she's in a room full of high-priced lawyers."

This morning's eagerly anticipated episode of "The View" featured Alec Baldwin, who showed up in vague-contrition mode. While kind of sorry about the things he said to his daughter's cell phone, Baldwin mostly used the appearance to launch into the world's longest lecture on parental alienation and the intricacies of the legal system as pertains custodial rights. It's a good PR plan: Bore people into forgetting what you did in the first place. Anyway, as the above clip shows, Baldwin is about forgiveness. Specifically, he forgives the people who left mean comments on his website. ("AlecBaldwin.com," he helpfully reminds.) Important takeaway: Sure, he might have yelled at his daughter to watch out for a car or come out of the ocean, but he has never yelled at her like he did on the phone before. Which is probably why that infamous voicemail message started with "Once again..." Also, Kim Basinger sounds like a pain in the ass.

Earlier this week, we were shocked—shocked! etc etc—to discover that embattled actor Alec Baldwin had abruptly dismissed his CAA agents, as what any performer needs most during times of personal crisis is a group hug from the only people in Hollywood genuinely concerned about their welfare: the ones earning healthy commissions from them. While the theory that Baldwin might have been locked in a heated battle with his ex-wife for sole custody of the agency certainly made enough sense, today's Page Six floats a theory that pulls yet another innocent child into the matter:

We turn to CNN.com's cherished Story Highlights box to get us up to speed on exactly where we stand in the public celebrity-parenting clinic currently being offered by Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger: The actress, says her rep, did not release the voicemail (which they'll also have you know was not sealed under a court order, as previously claimed by Baldwin), a strategic denial that clearly sets up embattled daughter Ireland for the eventual fall. (Under the the duress of cross-examination in their next custody hearing, we expect her to crumble and reveal she chose TMZ for the leaks because she loves looking at video of Scarlett Johansson falling down.) To our knowledge, Baldwin has yet to issue a counter-statement detailing the parental alienation he feels as a result of this latest Basinger volley.

Photo: Kim Basinger and daughter go for a stroll with new bodyguard Cynical McCustodystunt.

Following yesterday's leak of that troubling Alec Baldwin voicemail, the world was placed in the uncomfortable position of trying to determine which famous parent is the worse role-model for the impressionable Ireland, the one screaming into the phone, or the one who apparently wants their child custody battle played out in the tabloids. At least one former associate of the onetime couple has now made his choice and gone public with his feelings, bringing his trademark brand of vigilante justice to an already ugly and complicated situation.

In the off chance you haven't already had a listen, celebrity child-welfare advocacy organization TMZ.com has obtained a voicemail in which Glengarry Glen Ross star Alec Baldwin unleashes a Mametesque tirade at daughter Ireland for her failure to answer the phone for a scheduled chat, a recording they selflessly share in the interest of speeding along a resolution to Baldwin and ex-wife Kim Basinger's well-publicized familial disputes. Baldwin's already issued a statement about the message, blaming Basinger for leaking it:

• To reiterate, Madonna did not adopt a boy during her visit to Malawi to help AIDS orphans. But since the Malawian keeps telling everyone that she did, you can bet she won't be back anytime soon. [Page Six]
• After putting Neosporin on her ego, former NBC News Anchor Mary Alice Williams heads to CBS to be Katie Couric's writer. [Lowdown]
• Nicole Richie breaks up with Brody Jenner after he offers her a potato chip. [Us Weekly]
• Tara Reid reportedly has her breast implants removed and liposuction scars touched up. So the next time she gets bombed and falls out of her dress, the image of her tits won't make you cry. Or not as hard, anyhow. [Page Six]
• Eva Longoria ditches Tony Parker for the loving embrace of AC Slater. [Scoop]
• Maggie Gyllenhaal finally spits out Peter Sarsgaard's child, a baby girl named Ramona. [R&M (bottom)]
• Kim Basinger is arraigned on charges of contempt after ex-husband Alec Baldwin sells her out with a list of custody violations. Honestly, we look forward to the day their daughter is old enough to buy a gun and shut her parents up once and for all. [TMZ]

A recent eBay auction reminds us that it wasn't so long ago that there were no internets with which to conveniently disseminate unsubstantiated rumor and heresay. In this 1989 fax fished out of a dumpster outside David Hockney's Santa Monica studio, a "DIRT ALERT" reports that:

• Several confirmations today: God is dead, the world is nothing more than a cesspool of injustice, the horsemen are en route, and Anna Nicole Smith is pregnant. [R&M]
• Life & Style claims Lindsay Lohan spent $1 million on clothes last year and is now seeing a hypnotist to cure her shopping addiction. As if that addiction were her biggest problem. [Scoop]
• The Red Hot Chili Peppers may face a major lawsuit if Tom Petty decides that the band's first single, Dani California, is as similar to Mary Jane's Last Dance as everyone says it is. [Page Six]
• Uber-manager Benny Medina declares a moratorium on email. If he can make Mariah Carey into a similar taboo, then we'll really be impressed. [Lowdown]
• Les Moonves' wife Julie Chen finally comes clean and acknowledges that she's a robot. [Page Six]
• Eager to make career choices that will help her come out of her divorce looking mature and classy, Denise Richards joins the Pussycat Dolls. [TMZ]
• Kim Basinger files a motion to prevent her ex-husband Alec Baldwin from publishing a book about the ruin of their marriage. Let's take Basinger's side on this one — do we really want to hear any more about the 45-year-long divorce? [IMDb]