Security guards have a bad reputation for wanton enforcement of arbitrary rules. Is it deserved? Watch this video of a guard at Ground Zero silence a bunch of North Carolina school kids while they’re singing the National Anthem and decide for yourself.

The Scripps National Spelling Bee, once a symbol of pride for our nation’s youth, has deteriorated in recent years into a feeble-minded joke, with so-called “champions” claiming their victories with simple words like “cymotrichous” an “knaidel.” Thankfully, that’s all about to change.

Look no further: the best Christmas story of the year has been found.

You know, the thing about precocious kids is, they’re awful.

An Upper East Side aunt is suing her pre-teen nephew for six figures over a broken wrist she suffered when he excitedly jumped into her arms to hug her at his 8th birthday party. Her lawsuit claims his “negligent” and “careless” show of affection caused her serious injuries and losses, noting “I was at a party recently and it was difficult to hold my hors d’oeuvres plate.” Damn.

A white marketing dude has lost his job after posting a Facebook photo with his coworker’s 3-year-old son, who is black, and joining his cool and fun friends in making racist jokes calling the boy “Sambo,” “slave,” and “Kunta Kinte,” among other things.

An 11-year-old boy is facing first-degree murder charges after he allegedly shot and killed a child because she wouldn’t let him pet her puppy.

An Oklahoma four-year-old was reportedly saved from demonic possession last week after a sharp-eyed pre-K teacher noticed him writing with his left hand—the devil’s hand.

A CCTV video that landed on LiveLeak earlier this week shows a small child deploying a stealthy poop in the middle of a supermarket aisle, allegedly somewhere in Russia. To watch the boy leave what the Mirror drolly calls “his nasty deposit”—it is to laugh. But wait: there’s even more to this multi-layered treasure, and all of the layers contain doo-doo:

Vox.com recently commissioned an essay from Torbjörn Tännsjö, a professor of practical philosophy at Stockholm University, on the “the repugnant conclusion,” a belief that asserts our moral duty to increase the population size because, according to the argument, more humans means more happiness.

An incoming sixth-grader named Joey is crying into his Starbucks today after his girlfriend caught him cheating on her by going to the park with another girl. She bluntly ended their relationship via perhaps the greatest series of breakup texts ever composed by an 11-year-old.

On May 20, a Kentucky grade schooler was eating lunch with her friends in the cafeteria when a school employee took away her hot lunch and dumped it in the trash in front of her. The teacher gave her a cheese sandwich to eat instead. Although the student didn’t know it, her lunch account had had a negative balance.

The Hawkins County School District in East Tennessee has reportedly launched a new district-wide meat inspection program after apparently serving six-year-old pork to their students. “It’s not clear,” WATE reports, “if it was tainted.”

In Belfast the other day, a tween boy burst into tears after achieving the dream of his young life: Going onstage with Nicki Minaj. Nicki, who is a benevolent goddess to her Barbz and is consistently awkward and hilarious around children, clutched the crying boy to her ample bosom and lo, he was healed.

A former Pittsburgh elementary school teacher is accused of being "obsessed" with one of her 11-year-old students, sending the girl thousands of text messages over a period of two weeks, and planning to run away with (and possibly even adopt) her.

"All I want is a slushie." Like a pint-sized Mike Muir, that's what 4-year-old Annabelle Ridgeway told a Philadelphia city bus driver early Friday morning. Unfortunately, thanks to the selfless actions of him and other annoyingly helpful strangers, Annabelle never fulfilled her icy desire.

A group of children at a playground in Greenacres, Fla., all younger than age 10, witnessed a couple in the throes of passion last Friday as their copulation travelled from tree-side to inside a truck.

Ted Cruz officially announced his presidential candidacy today at Jerry Falwell's Liberty University, and though you could scarcely imagine a safer spot for a Republican to deliver an obligatory and ultimately worthless speech, many of the students in attendance were very willing to see through Cruz's rhetoric.

During a speech to his conservative supporters in Barrington, New Hampshire this weekend, Senator Ted Cruz bashed the "Obama-Clinton foreign policy of leading from behind," saying the "world is on fire," to the horror of a three-year-old sitting in the front row.

A technology teacher in Scotland has been "struck off" (read: fired) from his job at Ardrossan Academy in Ayrshire after it came out that he had been using foul language and frankly genius insults to agitate his students. In one instance—among many beautiful others—he told a student, "Shut up, I shagged your maw."