A Defamer reader looking for some stripped down, hard-rock entertainment at the Malibu Inn Saturday night instead got the inept musical stylings of a celebrity clusterfuck: a band composed entirely of rock star progeny conceived during a series of Jack n' Coke-enhanced blackouts in the 80s was usurped by a blitzed, mic-hogging Kid Rock and substitute drummer Jeremy Piven, who made up for his inability to keep time by proudly shouting to the crowd the classic punk credo of all Emmy-winning, rock star-wannabes: "I won metal!"

We're relieved to see that proper celebrity sex tape protocol is being followed in the Kid Rock/Scott Stapp double-barrelled blowjob video situation, wherein the offending, contraband footage is shadily obtained by a mysterious "third party," teased with a preview clip on the internet, and then quickly suppressed by one of the famous parties' legal team. Rock's lawyers performed an incredibly valuable public service yesterday by obtaining a temporary order to stop the sale or distribution of the video, a crucial first step towards ensuring that none of us ever get to see Rock and frequently leather-panted former Creed singer Stapp being blown by a small team of strippers in a mobile home. It's bad enough that curiosity got the better of us and we submitted ourselves to the profound psychic scarring [SPOILER ALERT: Just stop reading here, you'll thank us later] of watching one of the girls kiss Stapp's nipple and hearing him arrogantly proclaim "It's good to be the king," a moment of sexual ruination arguably surpassed only by Fred Durst's infamous exhortation to his sex-tape partner to "touch my balls and my ass."

• Publisher Jann Wenner ties pregnant Us Weekly editor Janice Min to her chair; she'll be staying there through the duration of her labor. No demerol when there are deadlines to be met! [Page Six]
• O.C. starlet deems Paris Hilton a "silly bitch." Finally one of these young Hollywood types gets something right. [Scoop]
• Hugh Grant fights off the paparazzi, one blurry cameraphone pic at a time. [R&M]
• The illustrator for Madonna's children's book The English Roses, Jeffrey Fulvimari, is attacked in Chelsea. There's a Kabbalah joke in here somewhere, but we haven't the will to find it. [Lowdown]
• Kid Rock defends his honor by suing the company trying to distribute his sex tape. Considering Scott Stapp is the co-star, we're thinking the suit is for defamation of character. [Detroit Wonk]
• Lucyna Turyk-Wawrynowicz, the Polish housekeeper who stole from Robert De Niro and Candice Bergen, gets sentenced to three years in jail. Upon her release, she will only be allowed to work for D-List celebrities. [IMDb]

· NYT journalist Michael Finkel, who was fired last year for fabricating a story, found out while he was contemplating suicide that Christian Longo (who was wanted in Mexico for murdering his family) was using his name as an alias because he liked Finkel's writing. HarperCollins is paying $300,000 for Finkel's story, including exclusive interviews with Longo. [Page Six]
· George Hamilton is hosting a reality TV show pilot in which a low-income family from the Bronx is transplanted into a Palm Beach mansion. [Page Six]
· Stephen King's cure for writer's block: "I pull out from deep within my desk this jar which is said to have a pickled little slave boy's heart from before the Civil War, although I'll never know if that is really true or not," (he tells Webster Hall curator Baird Jones.) [Page Six]
· Liz Smith takes a swipe at Mr. Untouchable: "I can't wait for Nicole [Kidman]'s turn as a woman married to a short-ish control freak who won't allow her to wear high heels." [Ed. notego Liz!] [Liz Smith]
· Clive Davis says none of his rivals throw competing Grammy parties because he always includes them in the fun. Kid Rock on musicians pontificating about war in Iraq: "Why is everybody trying to stop the war? George Bush ain't been saying, 'You all, make shitty records.' Politicians and music don't mix. It's like whisky and wine. [Musicians] ought to stay out of it." [NY Daily News]