The California man who claimed he’d discovered a deep-fried rat in his three-piece chicken last week finally agreed to turn the unknown-substance-tender over to the company, and the Col. Sanders administration released the results of a DNA test Monday. Result: the rat was—as KFC had asserted in an amateurish Chart Brut—actually made of chicken.

The bigwigs at KFC recently discovered a long-lost manuscript by Colonel Sanders, the highest-ranking military man in the fast food universe. It's his life story stitched together with his favorite recipes for things like pies, casseroles, sauces, and just about everything else. And it's going to be available for free on the internet!

We love the FBI's new document-sharing website, "The Vault"! Without it, we might never know that a corrupt cop may have killed the Notorious B.I.G. Or that a mysterious "general" warned KFC's Colonel Sanders of a murder plot!

Earlier this week, many of you were angry to learn that a Double Down sandwich is healthier for you than a salad. Now the philanthropic Colonel Sanders is going to wipe out breast cancer, by selling you fried chicken!