· Phew! For a second we were also worried Julianne Moore's young son would ask her what fellatio meant, and she'd have to go through the whole awkward rigamarole of telling him it's a character from Hamlet, and to ask his father for further details. [Late Show]
· Full House's Jodie Sweetin may have lost me to meth, but more importantly—how did she lose the baby weight?! [Dlisted]
· Ladies and gentlemen: Chace Crawford going down on a bottle of Bud. Yep, that's it. [Queerty]
· The guy who held up Sawyer and his wife at gunpoint in Hawaii was sentenced 13 to 30 years—unless he gets out first after Ben dislodges the Land-Mass-Disappearing Frozen Donkey Wheel of Doom and makes the prison disappear. [AP]
· X-Files: I Want To Believe just leaves us confused. Who's the guy with the stringy white hair in the trailer? Does Gillian Anderson's pregnancy figure in somehow? What's with the spotting on the poster? And finally, who greenlit this? [Yahoo Movies]

Welcome back to another round of Defamer Attractions, our weekly guide to picks, prognostications and perversions landing at a cinema near you. Much like last week, one new release has hijacked America's consciousness with hormonal aplomb, while Liv Tyler and her coterie of bagheaded stalkers look on from outside. We have only positive things to say about Julianne Moore's lurid dabblings in incest, and a glance at new DVD's reveals at least a few reassuring titles for the shut-ins among us. As always, our opinions are our own, but they're also just about bulletproof — finally, something we all can agree on!

The much-ballyhooed film Blindness, a Fernando Meirelles (the harrowing City of God, the exquisite Constant Gardener) film starring Julianne Moore (the vagina in Robert Altman's Short Cuts), has been labeled a "misfire" at Cannes. Well, at least by New York Times film critic Manohla Dargis. The movie, some sort of political allegory (based on the Jose Saramago novel) about a whole town stricken with blindness (save for the wan, desperate Moore), is apparently "allegory with a very large capital A." Ahh, too bad. I was looking forward to this one. Oh wait, there's more? The film is also "nasty, brutish and nowhere near short enough." Ouch. Well, let's take ol' Manohla's early review with a little grain of salt. The film could change! Dargis could be completely wrong (as she often is)! If she's not, though, bad news for Miramax, which was pinning some major Oscar hopes on this one. Watch the trailer for the film, plus experience a little more of Dargis' ire, after the jump.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

Some day we'll bite the bullet and experience the magic of the Cannes Film Festival first-hand, but in the meantime, there are advantages to keeping one's distance. For starters, we're insulated from the horrors of marketing rituals like the one foisted on the international press this morning, when Jack Black strolled into Cannes with a few dozen minimum-wage costume slaves panda bears in support of his upcoming Kung Fu Panda. As evidenced by the accompanying video, much hammy ass-kicking and a sort of loin-churning, interspecial sexual chemistry ensues.

The Cannes rumor mill is whirring at full speed again today as the trades pick up whispers that the Julianne Moore/Mark Ruffalo drama Blindness is likely to occupy the opening-night slot. The Toronto Star is saying it's a done deal, but it's not official, and we're not so sure; with barely two weeks remaining before the May 14th opener, word over the Defamer transom suggests that Blindness is bad enough to make festival programmers wait — and make distributor Miramax stall — before committing the plum spot to a stinker.

Great news for aspiring actors residing in the greater Pittsburgh area who just so happen to also be inbred: A casting notice for Julianne Moore thriller Shelter seeks background players to play the famed deformed mountain folk of West Virginia. Or, as they put it, "Extraordinarily tall or short. Unusual body shapes, even physical abnormalities as long as there is normal mobility. Unusual facial features, especially eyes... 9-12-year-old Caucasian girl with an other-worldly look to her...Could be an albino or something along those lines — she's someone who is visually different and therefore has a closer contact to the gods and to magic. 'Regular-looking' children should not attend this open call.'" [Pittsburgh Tribune-Review]

Julianne Moore is one of those rare Hollywood chamelians who year after year turns out just as many mainstream blockbusters as critically-acclaimed indie flicks. Such performances include Nine Months, Boogie Nights, The Hours, The Kids Are All Right, and Crazy Stupid Love, making her Hollywood's most sought after redhead.

[Julianne Moore and her director hubby, Bart Freundlich, leaving New York's Waverly Inn, Jan 7; image via INF]

Though Museum of the Moving Image honoree Tom Cruise escaped a NY dinner celebrating his cinematic accomplishments without being mercilessly roasted by his important friends (apparently, nobody there could be bothered to bring their best "Hitler haircut" or "he who smelt the mystery fart, dealt it" material), a former co-star did manage to shock the event's attendees with this disturbing anecdote from the set of Magnolia, as reported by Rush & Molloy:

Julianne Moore has been making the press rounds for her stage debut in David Hare's The Vertical Hour; like a very intelligent (if not broken) record, her quotes deserve high marks for consistency. From the August 24 issue of New York:

· Woody Allen is incensed over new play, Who Killed Woody Allen? [Page Six]
· PR guru Matthew Freud says "AL Sharpton is a move by the Bush White House to show a worse alternative." [Page Six]
· Marty Richards nearly forbidden to board his plane on the grounds that his Golden Globe could be used as a weapon. [Cindy Adams]
· Julianne Moore on sex-in-real-life vs. sex-in-the-movies: "You know, if anyone ever ripped my clothes, I'd probably kill them." [Cindy Adams]
· Jane Fonda on ex-husband Ted Turner: "I love my ex, Ted Turner, who gives a lot of money to charity. Ted has long been working against worldwide clitorectomies; Ted is a man who puts his money where his mouth is!" [Liz Smith]
· E! Entertainment has been talking to Us Weekly about doing a reality show. All Bonnie, all the time. [NY Daily News]