JP Morgan is close to a record $13 billion settlement with the Justice Department over its role in the crooked mortgages that led to the 2008 financial crisis.

Jamie Dimon is one of the most admired CEOs on Wall Street. Under his watch, JPMorgan Chase has been penalized for multiple legal violations, capped by the largest legal fines in banking history. Should Jamie Dimon be fired? Well, if not, his bank should be destroyed.

Recently, J.P Morgan CEO Jamie Dimon traveled to Washington DC to explain his company's massive losses to the Senate banking committee. Problem is a lot of those guys are getting campaign donations from J.P. Morgan. On tonight's Daily Show, Jon Stewart broke it all down.

Sure, dating an investment banker seems nice. He's rich! He dresses well! So what if he's married? He takes you out on his boat! And then he follows you to London, breaks into your apartment, steals candlesticks, pretends to be an Israeli secret agent, and puts a tracking device in your bag.

Remember credit default swaps? AIG? Hopelessly entangled exotic financial instruments tied to esoteric asset valuations that caused cascading defaults in 2008 and threatened to tank the global financial system unless taxpayers ate all the losses? Remember how we reformed Wall St. to make sure that never repeated itself? Someone tell Goldman Sachs, JPMorgan, and Morgan Stanley, because they've teed the whole damn thing up again, this time in Europe.

The SEC has announced that J.P. Morgan Securities will pay $153 million to settle charges that the bank sold $1.1 billion in mortgage-backed securities that were designed to fail. That's about what the bank makes every three days.

Some former clients have filed a class action lawsuit against JPMorgan saying their bests interests weren't taken into account as the financial world first started to collapse in 2007 and, shockingly, that the bank actually profited $1.9 billion from the demise of London-based investment vehicle Sigma while the clients lost nearly $500 million in assets that JPMorgan didn't pull out. Oh the nerve of these not-as-rich-as-they-used-to-be people!

Some Syracuse students are planning on protesting the school choosing JP Morgan CEO Jamie Dimon as its commencement speaker by taking off their robes! No word on what's underneath. Probably nothing, because JP Morgan stole all their clothes. [NYM, Getty]

Angry protesters stormed the JP Morgan office today! Goldman Sachs employees are barely allowed to venture outside, lest they arouse the public's passion! And now, the last straw, it's an anonymous unsigned email "going around Wall Street"—celebrating greed!

JP Morgan's mortgage chief David Lowman yesterday told Rep. Barney Frank that he wanted people who were concerned about home foreclosures to "come to me." He had no idea he would be chased off Capitol Hill by an angry mob.

"JPMorgan Chase & Co. Chief Executive Officer Jamie Dimon, who led the second-biggest U.S. bank to a profit each quarter of the financial crisis, got a bonus package valued at $17 million for 2009 that didn't include any cash. The 53-year-old banker, who got a $27.8 million bonus for 2007 and only a $1 million salary for 2008, received restricted stock units and options and no cash bonus for last year, spokesman Joseph Evangelisti said. The valuation of his 2009 bonus was based on a JPMorgan regulatory filing today. "It's consistent with past pay practices and returns," said Alan Johnson, founder of New York-based Johnson Associates Inc. "You could argue that for him, personally, pay could have been higher, but this isn't the year for them to have done that." There's always next year! [BN]

Yesterday, JPMorgan's Jamie Dimon and Goldman Sachs' Lloyd Blankfein talked to Congress about why they're sitting on billions of profits and you're broke. CityFile cataloged the many emotions on display.

Four titans of the financial world—including Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein—are testifying before the Financial Crisis Inquiry Commission today, and boy are they sophisticated in their exegeses about how they almost killed us all.

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's charitable foundation handed out $6.4 million last year, or about three times what the CEOs of Goldman Sachs and JPMorgan, Lloyd Blankfein and Jamie Dimon, gave away last year put together. The beneficiaries of the Jolie-Pitt Foundation are below.

Is Jamie Dimon in line to replace Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner? That's that the Post suggests today, pointing to increased chatter in political circles that the JPMorgan Chase chief would make a "good fit," and Dimon's own efforts to build a higher profile in Washington in recent weeks. One thing that's for sure: 50 Cent is going to be crushed to hear this news today. [NYP]

Goldman Sachs decided against holding a holiday party this year. Condé Nast revealed yesterday that it plans to proceed with its annual fête, albeit at a slightly less expensive restaurant. Now JPMorgan has weighed in. The party is on this year, which is certainly nice to hear. Not as nice: It will take place in the company cafeteria. [Dealbreaker]

Goldman Sachs is on track to turn in its most profitable year ever, and the bank's near collapse last fall—along with the financial system as a whole—is quickly becoming a distant memory for Goldman chief Lloyd Blankfein. So why is he giving less money to charity than he did before the downturn?

Looking for a job on Wall Street? Great news! Two weeks after JPMorgan revealed plans to hire an additional 1,000 brokers (a move that was quickly followed by the announcement that JPMorgan chief Jamie Dimon's dad was joining his son's firm) comes word that the bank is going on another hiring binge.

Goldman Sachs, Morgan Stanley, and JPMorgan Chase are all on track to pay record bonuses this year, as you've probably heard. "The firms—the three biggest banks to exit the Troubled Asset Relief Program—will hand out $29.7 billion in bonuses, according to analysts' estimates. That's up 60 percent from last year and more than the previous high of $26.8 billion in 2007." But as Goldman chief Lloyd Blankfein explained to the London Times over the weekend, they're doing "God's work," and you can't put a price on that, can you? [Bloomberg]

Jamie Dimon, the CEO of JPMorgan, is a towering genius of finance, Obama hanger-on, savior of Wall Street, and irritable dick. He's also long liked to wear tight jeans, as his 1974 yearbook page makes clear.