Papa Lohan's acting out coincided with LiLo's "rock bottom." The search for Andrew Koenig continues. Russell Brand leaves Katy Perry "bedridden" for days. Lady Gaga wants to make babies with her stylist. Tuesday gossip is in need of a father figure.

First Elton John called Jesus gay now noted gay and AIDS activist Larry Kramer is on Joy Behar tonight to continue his quest to convince people Lincoln is gay. Stop it! No one cares.

On The View, Joy said that "the man gives to the wife" and that she didn't believe in exchanging gifts on Valentine's Day because "exchanging is for Christmas." Does this go against her feminist ways or is it just old-fashioned?

On today's View, the ladies decided to settle the issue of where Khalid Sheikh Mohammed should be tried. Elisabeth doesn't think it should be in New York, and everyone agrees with her. Or do they?

During her "Month in Review" on The View today, Joy Behar showed some choice video clips of Barbara Walters claiming to be a lesbian and kissing Julianne Moore on the mouth. Bonus: a cameo by Elisabeth Hasselbeck's husband.

• Is it possible that Natalie Portman isn't as sweet as she looks? She reportedly started seeing her new boyfriend, New York City Ballet dancer Benjamin Millepied, while he was still dating—and living with—his girlfriend of three years. Portman and Millepied began dating in the fall, but the girlfriend reportedly only got the shaft just after New Year's, poor thing. [P6]
• So are Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie splitting up or not? One possible sign they are not separating: Pitt was seen returning to the LA home he shares with Jolie yesterday. One sign they are: A British tabloid reports Pitt "secretly" (or not-so-secretly) purchased "a bachelor pad to help him sort out his split from Angelina Jolie," and it's equipped with underground cave "where he can be alone and think about what he does next." Take your pick. [TMZ, DM]
• There's a new party boy in town at Sundance, and his name is Bill Gates. The 54-year-old nerd/philanthropist was spotted dancing on a banquette until 2am and confessed he was on the prowl for "that chick from Twilight" (Kristen Stewart), because he wanted to "see her movie." Or something. [P6]

And now, your daily dose of "Ewww." Everyone is talking about Michelle's big rejection on The Bachelor. The ladies are in agreement with us— that she needs to take a hint. But what if Mr. Bachelor can't sport wood?

Tonight's episode of Late Night with Jimmy Fallon was packed with goodness: The Real Housewives of Late Night finale and a cute interview with Joy Behar, for example. But Fallon saved the best—a performance with The Muppets—for last.

Today at Gawker.TV, Joy Behar interviews her SNL-impersonator, Snoop Dogg promotes his new GPS system, Steven Seagall's TV show effectively displays his insanity, bizarro Andy Kaufman sings with sheep, and a drunken 4-year-old ruins Christmas for all of his neighbors.

Worlds collided on last night's Joy Behar Show when Joy invited on Fred Armisen, her SNL impersonator. During the awkward interview, Joy berated her doppelgänger for his age and ethnic identity, exclaiming a few "So what?! Who cares?!" for fun.

• The list of New York Times staffers accepting buyouts from the paper to leave has grown. And it includes Jenny 8. Lee, surprisingly). [Gawker, NYO]
• Television news: The Early Show has a new boss as of today; profits are up at CNBC; and Joy Behar's new show on HLN is doing pretty well in the ratings.
• Will Vevo, the new Hulu of music videos, succeed? That's up in the air, but it did host a glam launch party last night and traffic's been strong. [AdAge, CNET]
• Tavi, the 13-year-old blogger who's transfixed the fashion world, is writing a column for Harper's Bazaar; a bit of controversy has followed. [WWD, NYM]
• Great news! R. Kelly has signed a deal to pen his memoirs. [Vulture]
• Even better news: ABC has a reality show debuting in January that combines dating and romance with a "moving conveyor belt." It's about time! [Wrap]

Joy Behar, the View fixture and host of her own show on HLN as of last week, is turning 67. Former Merrill Lynch CEO Stan O'Neal turns 58. American Idol judge Simon Cowell is 50. American Idol winner Taylor Hicks is 33. John Mellencamp is turning 58. Toni Braxton turns 41. Rachel McAdams is 33. Nation editor-in-chief Katrina Vanden Heuvel is celebrating her 50th. Famed cellist Yo-Yo Ma is 54. Russia's most powerful man, Vladimir Putin, is 57. Sex columnist Dan Savage is turning 45. Tico Torres of Bon Jov turns 56. Nobel Prize-winning activist and cleric Desmond Tutu is 78. And Oliver "Ollie" North turns 66 today.

A LOLcat mogul made a perhaps jokey offer to become Ruth Reichl's boss; Diablo Cody's baby craving became overpowering and Joy Behar made a David Letterman zinger. The Twitterati were all about wanting what you can't have.

We always suspected that if Joy Behar and Ann Coulter were in the same room, they would, like matter and anti-matter, cease to exist. But that's not the case. They just argue about whether or not Sarah Palin's coherent.

• The Kardashian girls continue to rake it in. Khloe Kardashian tied the knot with LA Laker Lamar Odom last night at a ceremony and reception was paid for by E!. (The event will be featured on an upcoming episode of E!'s Keeping Up With the Kardashians.) She may collect $250,000 more by selling photos of the nuptials. [People, TMZ, P6]
• After spending three decades as a fugitive on charges he raped a 13-year-old in 1978, famed director Roman Polanski was arrested in Switzerland on Saturday while on his way to attend the Zurich Film Festival. [NYDN, ABC]
• One of Saturday Night Live's brand new cast members, Jenny Slate, dropped an F-bomb on the show. [YouTube, NYDN]

Angelina threatens Jennifer for frequently texting Brad, Marlon Brando banged Jackie O twice, Lily Allen gets caught with coke in her nose, Victoria Beckham shows off her new rack and Katy Perry posts a nude pic with pizza on Twitter.

• A new month is approaching, so it's time for Russell Simmons to drop the twentysomething model he's been dating and move on to a new twentysomething model. But there are signs the 51-year-old is maturing: Julie Henderson, age 23, has been replaced by French model Noemie Lenoir (right), who is a positively aged 29. [P6]
• A drunken Jonathan Rhys Meyers was detained by the authorities in Paris yesterday after he punched a waiter in an airport lounge. [Us, People]
• Audrina Patridge is saying goodbye to The Hills so she can take part in a new, Mark Burnett-produced reality show for MTV. [NYDN]
• Ricky Martin did not come out of the closet in an interview with a Spanish magazine the other day. He's still inside. Carry on. [Advocate]

It's kind of a sad news day for some. Mostly for actors who never quite took off the way some had hoped. But it's also good news for fans of Amy Poehler and Joy Behar. They're doing just fine.

• The late night battle rages on: After losing ground to Letterman, Conan bounced back last night, and had a pretty solid first week overall. [THR, NYT]
• Boston-based Intercontinental Real Estate Corp. confirms that it has been talks with the New York Times Co. to purchase the Boston Globe. [BH]
• Stephen Colbert's decision to broadcast from Iraq worked out nicely: Ratings for the Comedy Central show have been up 25 percent this week. [NYT]
• Joy Behar is launching a new talk show on HLN. The best part about it: She'll be bumping blowhard Lou Dobbs from his 9pm slot on the network. [NYT]
• TV, print and online ad spending fell 14 percent in the first quarter. [WSJ]
• Hope you're a Marley & Me fan. HarperCollins is cemented a deal to publish 13 children's books about the world's most famous Labrador. Yes, 13. [PW]

• Presumably this is what happens when you spend time hanging out with John Mayer: Dick Parsons (right), the former chairman and CEO of Time Warner and currently the chairman of the board of Citigroup, not only cheated on his wife of three decades with a "model-philanthropist" 29 years his junior, he fathered a child with her, too. [NYDN]
• Sean Penn and wife Robin Wright Penn may not be getting divorced after all. Weeks after filing for legal separation, Penn has withdrawn the motion, either because he only did it in a fit of anger, or because he got jealous after seeing Robin flirting with a handful of men at the Cannes Film Festival. [NYDN, P6]
• The "Real Housewives of New York" have all reportedly signed on for a third season and are expected to make upwards of $30,000 per episode. [MSNBC]