So, you want to be a journalist? Ha ha ha. Jeez. Your timing sucks. But hey, it's a perfectly semi-honorable profession; nobler than finance, not as noble as being a postman. So whether you're already in journalism and wondering about what direction your career should take (besides down), or a terribly misguided young go-getter looking to get into journalism, we're here to help. Every freaking thing you need to know about the real state of the media job market, after the jump.

The new Associated Press guidelines on election coverage have been controversial, due mostly to the role of Washington Bureau Chief Ron Fournier, a probable Republican and admirer of John McCain. Fournier's new rules allow more of a reporter's voice in wire reports, less caging about "fairness", and generally ask that AP writers say it like it is. What that led to earlier this year annoyed liberals to no end. But at some point the race shifted in Obama's favor, and the AP followed suit. Last month they ran a devastating analysis piece on how John McCain lies about everything—that piece was instrumental in changing the McCain media narrative for good. But the selection of Sarah Palin has really sent the wire service right into the famous tank. This weekend they called Palin a big racist! The headline: Analysis: Palin's words carry racial tinge. AP writer Douglass K. Daniel says Palin's new post-debate smear-y stump speech was basically disgusting. The speech (a second draft was just released for use today by the way!) accuses Obama of "palling around with terrorists who would destroy our own country," a veiled reference to former Weatherman Bill Ayers but left vague enough to insinuate, say, Osama bin Laden. In other words, Palin is now a big cute racist email forward disguised as a candidate for Vice President. But because no one takes her seriously at all anymore, all she'll manage to do is hurt McCain's credibility even more, and leave him even more open to charges of acting dishonorably. And he'll get even angrier! By the third debate (if McCain shows up) he won't even shake Obama's hand. Just watch! Previously: The AP wrote the best-lead sentence-ever on Governor Palin: "ANCHORAGE, Alaska (AP) — Less than a week after balking at the Alaska Legislature's investigation into her alleged abuse of power, Gov. Sarah Palin on Monday indicated she will cooperate with a separate probe run by people she can fire."

The New Yorker published its profile of Arianna Huffington. Though disappointingly far from the juicy takedown we hoped for, it does contain a few interesting nuggets. We learn, for example, that the Republican-divorcée-turned-internet-publisher bizarrely "hides" all three of her BlackBerrys in her bathroom at night, even though she lives only with a housekeeper and her two daughters. Her gay ex-husband Michael Huffington elaborates on how she knew of his interest in men before their marriage, saying, "in my Houston town house I sat down with her and told her that I had dated women and men so that she would be aware of it." And Huffington sounds downright proud of her lack of long-term friendships, saying, "I metabolize experiences fast." But there's so much missing, so much that should be in this 14-page story, starting first with how she runs the Huffington Post — would any male mogul be profiled at such length with so little said about how he runs his business? — and continuing through to juicer questions about her dating life and cultlike religious guru. A few specifics:

The Post gives newly retired hack Steve Dunleavy a fawning editorial, a news story, a video, and a photo gallery of his going-away party today—as you can see, Dunleavy and Rupert Murdoch still appear to be in better shape than Post editor Col Allan. The paper also gives Dunleavy space for one last column, in which he predictably praises Murdoch, but also pisses on Columbia J-school in the most convoluted way possible:

As if 60 Minutes correspondent Lara Logan hadn't kicked up enough dirt in Iraq — she supposedly broke up a marriage and caused a lovers' brawl — she's now under investigation by the feds for looting. A reporter for Broadcasting & Cable somehow got into Logan's CBS office with a camera, and lo and behold, found some serious war spoils, including a two portraits of Saddam Hussein that Logan picked up from wrecked buildings. The authorities have already gone after other TV journalists for taking home souvenirs, which is, as ERS News noted, illegal under Iraqi law, so it was a bit dumb of Logan to let anyone into her office with camera. But then nothing screams "I am a hardened war reporter" like an ornament from inside enemy territory. And by Logan's standards this is a fairly low-grade scandal. Heck, by the standards of Iraqi looting it's a low-grade scandal. But it involves a pretty TV lady, so maybe try and get outraged by the clip after the jump.

A French newspaper labeled a picture of Tina Fey on SNL as a real photo of Sarah Palin. But America's deep respect for the land of Descartes ensures that no mockery will ensue. [TV Squad]

When the newspaper industry is crumbling along with the American economy in general, the smartest people in all of journalism are the Northwestern J-school professors who packed up and decamped for Qatar. They left dreary Evanston, Illinois for beachfront condos in an oil-flush Middle Eastern paradise. There, they have only 39 students in total. And they don't talk back, because no one in the country really knows what journalism is all about:

The monster $700 billion plan to fix America's broken credit markets passed the senate by a wide 74-25 margin and is set for a House vote by the end of the week. How was the reviled, once-vanquished bailout resurrected? By becoming more bailout-ey! The federal government will still spend most of the money taking distressed mortgages off the books of poor, sad Wall Street firms like Bank of America, JP Morgan Chase and Citigroup. But also, as we mentioned before the vote, everyone with insurance now gets therapy and meds! The upper middle class gets an adjustment to the Alternative Minimum Tax. Corporations get a tax break for "research." Oh, and also, no big deal but probably companies don't have to play by basic accounting rules anymore (search for "mark to market" here). But the bailout became less bailout-ey in one regard: In the lead of the Wall Street Journal story (bottom example above), it's called a "rescue," the nomenclature preferred by the Bush administration. In the Times it's still a bailout. And what do you know, the papers have sharply diverging editorials (the Journal quotes Alexander Hamilton!) to go along with their positions.

Kurt Andersen's essay in New York has more cliches than a dog has fleas. Adam Moss, thank your lucky stars he's smart as a whip or you'd be red in the face! [NY Press]

Ben Eason, the CEO of alt-weekly chain Creative Loafing—which declared bankruptcy this week—has a vision for the future of his publications. And that vision is to be like Huffington Post Chicago. Huh? Here's what he wants, and here's our free quality advice to him, before he fucks up some of the nation's best alt-weeklies for good:

Dadgummit, porn ruins corporate strategy! CBS is learning the hard way that if you give people a "branded mobile platform" to "upload" their "user-generated content," the "content" they will "generate" is "nekkid womens." The Tiffany Network started a site called CBSeyemobile.com where you, the idiotic consumer, can upload photos. And now they're shocked, shocked to find out that it's full of filth, loose women, and inappropriate public demonstrations of lesbianism! Ad Age broke the story in a Pulitzer-worthy feat of journalism, causing them to (modestly) publish this rather NSFW picture, which we are prepared to say is the most newsworthy photo that has ever graced that august publication's pages:

Back from 2001 downturn, it's the "comfort food during a recession" trend piece! Hey, writers, if you're assigned this topic, here's a peg: an "exclusive all night diner" is to open in dazed, freakoutnomic Manhattan: "Socialista mastermind Armin Amiri has decided to open an all-night diner—with a guest list from 11 p.m. to 4 a.m.," reports the Observer. Filling the hole left by the democratic late-night Florent with "upscale diner food"? Irritating, but it might be perfect for the market right now: based on the sheer number of trend pieces, it is evident that people love (or can only afford) mac and cheese during hard times. Don't believe us?From 2008: The Tennessean, July 28: "Comfort food and a comfortable atmosphere seems to have appeal in a tougher economy. On the flip side, past boom times have led to expensive and outrageous fare. "When times buckle down, people say, 'You know, I just want to feel comfortable, secure and warm." The Early Show, Feb. 5: "So the fact is we want comfort food in our high-end restaurants. Again, please, take me to that place...where I can be secure and familiar... Now here's another really important part about the comfort food, and this is what—where we get to our recessionary times." New York Times, Jan 31: "Unlike previous portrayals of the late '50s and early '60s as a time of unalloyed optimism, fashion's latest embrace of the past appears to reflect the nation's darkening mood. ''It is the fashion equivalent of comfort food — I think we need it... things are timeless right now, or you want them to be." Seattle Times, September 17: "We've been around a really long time and actually, if you look at the history of the 5 Spot, when they started, the goal was to create a recession-proof restaurant. And it's working. People go back to comfort food in hard times." San Francisco Chronicle, September 28: "In a Union City factory that twists out 150,000 pounds of Red Vines licorice a day, plant manager John Nelson is betting that $10 million in capital investments, made when money flowed freely, will help his 240-person plant prosper through tough times. "We won't call it recession-proof, but licorice has always held its own. It's kind of a comfort food." From 2001: New York Times, Nov. 4: "We ate high on the hog and low on the calf. We ate our way through the Eisenhower recession, the Cuban missile crisis, Vietnam, the assassinations of J.F.K., R.F.K. and Martin Luther King Jr., through Watergate, the Persian Gulf War and the Clinton crisis. Recently a journalist friend was on the street, covering the World Trade Center disaster. She ordered a sandwich, saying: ''Don't bring me any fat-free mayonnaise. If the world is coming to an end, I want the real thing.'' New York Times, Dec. 26: "Comfort food and blue-plate diner dishes showed up all over town, sure signs of a looming recession, but the door was wide open for a chef who could make simplicity seem like an inspiration rather than a limitation." New York Times, Jan. 26, 2002: "There was a lot of talk after 9/11 about what was going to be palatable for audiences, that people were looking for the theatrical equivalent of comfort food. I felt that way too." BBC, July 30: "Food manufacturers, retailers and utilities will also be cushioned from the worst effects of any recession."

Sarah Palin was kind of embarrassed by her interviews with Charlie Gibson and Katie Couric, so she sought out the more comforting company of Secret King of All Hacks Hugh Hewitt for her most recent solo media appearance. Hewitt, who is really indefensibly hacky, interviewed her like a child he was particularly fond of. And she responded like a particularly slow child. Above, the very first question from Hugh and Palin's very first answer. You will not be disappointed in either of them! (Because you should be incapable of disappointment by now, haven't you been paying attention?)

Beloved child actress Lindsay Lohan's shocking "I'm Gay!" cover has hit newsstands! And it is truly shocking. The word "gay" is nowhere to be found?! It's all "Love" and "Wedding Plans" and "In Other Old News, Oy That Is A Remarkable Rack." But everyone knows the correct way to reveal one's gayness on a magazine cover is to make arrangements with a distinguished Time Inc. publication to run a cover story that somberly declares: "Hey! Hi! I am ready to air my deep painful lifelong secret with the world in a supportive setting! If just one kid in Nebraska with an elaborate Christian Siriano fantasy and a dream can read my painful painful story and feel a little more 'normal' as a result then it will all have been worth it! Because this is really painful for me, telling the world what they already knew about me! Even though being gay is nothing to be ashamed of; it is just like having Lyme disease or something!" Not Lindsay. When Lindsay Lohan turns out to be gay, it is like …aspirational! And that adorbs snapshot of her and girlfriend Sam Ronson in those Come On Feel The Lemonheads shirts: whose inner college lesbian without the college isn't tingling experimentally over that image? It is like Jamie Lynn and her enviable teen pregnancy, but without the weight gain.

So it turns out that the same night James Cramer was bragging about foretelling the Wall Street meltdown he was in the midst of a colossal fuckup. The CNBC host on September 15 recommended shares of Wachovia as a safe haven from the financial panic. Cramer took comfort in the words his former Goldman Sachs boss Robert Steel, who earlier in the show said his company Wachovia had "a great future." "You're a reassuring face," Cramer told him. In between, a CNBC promo promised "Fast, accurate, actionable, unbiased" advice. Wachovia of course went to liquidate at $1 per share Monday, less than a tenth of its value when Cramer recommended the stock. Cramer quickly apologized Monday night. "I wasn't skeptical enough," he said. It's all in the video after the jump.

Tristan Taormino, the "Pucker Up" sex columnist who has been with the Village Voice for nine years, was laid off on Friday, she confirmed to Gawker today. Voice editor Tony Ortega told her she was a victim of budget cuts. We also hear that the ailing alt-weekly's photo editor, Staci Schwartz, was recently laid off [UPDATE: more on Schwartz here]. Older, more expensive employees appear to be getting the axe (thought Taormino, at least, has a pornography career to fall back on). Anyone with further info on Voice layoffs, email us.

"Business media outlets that claim to provide authoritative coverage of Wall Street during good times should be first in line for scrutiny now. These would include any publication with the words “wall” and “street” in its name, as well as anything named “deal,” “New York,” “business,” “investors,” and for that matter, “times” and “day...” Forbes and Fortune, you’re in this, too." [CJR]

A November Vanity Fair story explores the "rivalry" between CNBC "Money Honey" Maria Bartiromo and the rookie anchor eight years her junior, Erin Burnett, whom they dub the "Street Sweetie." Both broads deny the existence of said rivalry; Burnett suggests it's a "male fantasy thing" and Bartiromo speculates that "maybe at the end of the day someone is doing this, planting this, because it puts more attention on the network." And like: mission accomplished! The two look stunning in the mag.* But like, hey, you know what else puts attention on the network? The actually-more-stunning collapse of finance as we knew it! So what do these two babelicious brunettes make of all that: anything? We don't really find out! Vanity Fair is too busy ruminating on how sexist the whole business of broadcast financial news is. Oh yeah, and the story is called "Who Is Wall Street's Queen B?"Burnett is depicted as the naive, bright-eyed boarding school popular girl who never had to pay her dues because Maria, the elder elegant Brooklyn-born street hustling Italian trailblazer, did it all for her. Maria doesn't really try to understand the "kids today" or their slutty outfits, as we learn through this admittedly awesome anecdote:

So Tom Brokaw is still chugging over at Meet the Press. The NBC Sunday morning institution has been hosted by the former nightly news anchor since the untimely and unexpected death of Tim Russert earlier this year. The network is probably going to permanently hand off the show to smart analyst Chuck Todd and serviceable anchor David Gregory, but Brokaw will remain at NBC News, by necessity, for a long time. Because he is now their resident grown-up. Which is why he's so irritating. As we all know, NBC news, because of MSNBC, has been taken over by lunatics. Left-wing fanatics like Keith Olbermann and, uh, Rachel Maddow, and just-plain-crazy people like Chris Matthews. The Olbermann-Matthews ticket briefly covered the conventions as if they were real newsanchors and not circus sideshows! This outraged everyone, because they are intemperate and say what they think too much (especially Matthews, who says literally every thought he has, out loud). And no one was more outraged than Brokaw, who politely pulled rank and made his bosses give the serious news back to the serious people. He had to! John McCain and the Republicans were in open revolt against NBC (and the rest of the media, as always, but "NBC" was what they chanted when they called for media blood). And Brokaw is friends with John McCain! Well, not "friends." It's complicated!

The Times gets the first-hand scoop this morning from the embattled pirates surrounded by warships off the coast of Somalia—because they have a spokesman. "Several pirates talked, but they said that only Mr. Sugule was authorized to be quoted." Good lord, journalism is finished. [NYT]