Shocking news today as John McCain refuted his choice of Heidi Montag as vice president, instead settling on heavily lip-glossed Alaskan governor Sarah Palin. As Jeff Wells notes, Palin has a certain resemblance to Tina Fey as Liz Lemon: the horn-rimmed glasses, the messy up-do, the required fealty to an older, conservative man in charge. But where does each stand on the issues? We combed through their records (and Hulu) to find out — the results, after the jump:

Alaska governor Sarah Palin: Good looking, relatively inexperienced. Do you think McCain's team finally decided that's not such a bad combo? I'll let Democrats cringe at the nightmare series of events that could install Palin as our Cutest President Ever. I'm more interested in her gung-ho enthusiasm to drill for oil in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. It would be a resource bonanza for her state, which Palin feels is too reliant on federal handouts and big oil companies. But would the extra oil make a difference? Here's a bite-sized summary of stats from the Energy Information Administration, which provides that Bush guy you hate with official numbers:

Sarah Palin, a "hockey mom" who was once a mayor of a tiny town and has been the governor of a huge, empty state called "Alaska", will be the Vice President under 100-year-old President John McCain. She's cute tho! Also she is like the only not-corrupt Alaska politician ever, as far as we know.

Republican presidential candidate John McCain is set to announce his VP today and the New York Times says he's ruled out former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney, Minnesota governor Tim Pawlenty and Alaska governor Sarah Palin as possible running mates. (Update: McCain ended up picking Palin after all.) Does that mean McCain will go with former eBay CEO Meg Whitman, whom he recently described as one of the three wisest people he knows? A Democratic member of Congress thinks so, according to the Atlantic Monthly.Of course there are many Democratic and Republican whackjobs in Congress who know nothing about anything. I'm more inclined to believe McCain will pick Republican-in-Democrat's-clothing senator Joe Lieberman than an executive from a stumbling company whose position on things like abortion won't help McCain with the right-wing Republicans he needs to turn out in November. Still, Whitman wouldn't be a bad pick, would she? (Photo by AP/Dharapak)

God. This morning, who fucking cares who John McCain picks as his loser running mate? It won't be vapid asshole Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty, or, apparently, "Kittens" Romney. Now the "pundits" say it might be adorable Alaska Governor Sarah Palin! Or Lieberman still? Whatever. There's going to be an exciting rally in Dayton, Ohio today, with McCain and this mystery date. We predict that all the pundits are wrong and his running mate will be Vicki Iseman. [WSJ]

Two people who are both a little too told to be doing what they're doing are celebrating birthdays today. John McCain turns 72 today and Michael Jackson is 50. Also celebrating today: Bob Rubin is 70, hedge fund manager Eric Mindich is 41, Hollywood director Joel Schumacher is 69, choreographer Mark Morris is 52, and Robin Leach is 67. Christine Schwarzman, gala staple and wife of Steve Schwarzman, is 56. On Saturday, Warren Buffett will celebrate his 78th, Lewis Black will turn 60, Andy Roddick will be 26, and Cameron Diaz will turn 36. On Sunday: Richard Gere will be 59, Patrick McMullan turns 53, Chris Tucker will be 36, SonyBMG CEO Rolf Schmidt-Holtz will turn 60, and Giants head coach Tom Coughlin will celebrate his 62nd birthday.

Heavily Vetted: Though rumors are flying about the vice presidential pick that candidate John McCain is set to announce tomorrow morning, it seems that The Hills ingenue Heidi Montag has already let the cat out of the bag. "I am McCain's vice president!" the avowed Republican exclaimed to OK!, adding, "Go team!" Montag is a dark horse candidate to be sure, though in boyfriend Spencer Pratt, she comes with her very own Karl Rove figure. While Lauren, Lo, and Audrina have the most to lose from this possible vice presidency, they're not the only ones likely to greet this news by barricading themselves behind the banquettes at Boulevard 3. In a McCain/Montag administration, you see, we will all be prisoners of war. [OK!]

Ow, stop! The candidate's awkward, reading-my-lines intro clip. The front and center posts by a guy whose icon reads "STR8T." His angry typo, "Will Obama ascend from the heavens and bless us all?" Just when we'd forgotten about McCainSpace, they went and revamped it. The effort would've been better spent on more YouTube clips, the one place on the Internet where the White Tornado is beating Barack. Here's McCain's awkward video hello, and a sampler of the senator's supporter-generated videos:Click to view Click to view Click to view Click to view

Need proof that the media's "biased, in-the-tank support for Obama" isn't something Lou Dobbs made up? Find me a publication bigger than Silicon Alley Insider that's owned up to John McCain's comeback from way, way behind to surpass Obama's views on YouTube by 38 percent this month. McCain's official videos have outpulled Obama's, 6.8 million to 4.9 million.I've no plans to vote for McCain, but I'm all too aware that if the numbers were the other way around, I could collect a couple thousand bucks this afternoon in MSM assignments on Barack's "YouTube victory" and how it changes politics forever. As is, I'm reduced to pitching The Weekly Standard.

John McCain is playing dirty! Tonight, after Barack Obama's speech, McCain bought airtime for a rebuttal ad. There are no details on which markets and channels the ad will air on ("battleground states" does not mean much!) but it will surely end up repeated on every channel in the name of "news" a couple million times. What will McCain do in this mysterious and unprecedented ad? We're not sure, but this is a terrible sign:

In an online parallel to big TV ads, John McCain's campaign has outbid Barack Obama's for the top ad slot — and I do mean the one up top, above the results — on searches for Barack's VP canidate Joe Biden. McCain's people have also bought "housing crisis" and "us economy" ads, according to sleuthy reporters at the Wall Street Journal. Is this some sort of genius move by Obama? Online marketers say: No.

John McCain has apparently taken careful note of the fact that no sooner had the news of Joe Biden joining the Democratic ticket emerged, his 2007 memoir Promises to Keep: On Life and Politics jumped straight onto the bestseller lists. McCain now seems to be taking advantage of his media interviews to market his own backlist, which consists of such magnum opi as Faith of My Fathers: A Family Memoir and Why Courage Matters: The Way to a Braver Life. In an interview with Time, the fiesty politico vehemently insisted that the reporters read his books for the answers to their questions. What, just because he's in the running for president, he should put all his eggs in one basket?

Breaking news from Jon Cryer's rep Karen Samfilippo, regarding the Fox News article that placed him at a John McCain fundraiser: "In fact, Jon is not endorsing McCain or Obama at this point. He went to the fundraiser to learn more about the candidate and would like to do the same with Obama if the opportunity presents itself." Hear that, Barack? A crucial 40% of the titular Two and a Half Men is still undecided and up for grabs! Still: no word, yet, from the similarly sighted Lorenzo Lamas or Craig T. Nelson. We'll keep you posted as the official confirmation of their endorsements comes in. [Previously: Superdelegate Shocker: Jon Cryer Sighted at McCain Fundraiser!]

As the man who brought us Pretty in Pink's Duckie, you might expect Jon Cryer to have a special affinity for those born on the wrong side of the tracks: the poor, the outcast, even the sexually ambiguous. However, it's apparently his role in Hot Shots! that Cryer identifies with most, because he turned up this week at a fundraiser for another easily downed Naval pilot: presidential candidate John McCain. In fact, according to Fox News, McCain met on Monday with a veritable Who's Who (no, seriously: who?) of Hollywood celebrities at the Beverly Hills Hilton in an attempt to solicit money from the group he hates the most. After the jump, the list of celebs in attendance (there's no Dennis Hopper, but trust us, you don't want to miss it):

The brain-tumor-having columnist left the hospital to blast Joe Lieberman as a running mate for John McCain. That's how awful Joe Lieberman is. [Novak via Wonkette]

Every convention needs a good catchphrase! Bill Clinton had "A place called Hope" in 1992. Michael Dukakis floated on the wings of Ann Richards' "Poor George" speech in 1988. And John Kerry to this day wakes up every morning in a cold sweat, screaming "Help is on the way!" Come to think of it, maybe memorable catchphrases aren't all that predictive of success. But this year's Democratic Convention already has two in as many days. There's "yes we can," the Obama theme that already feels like an old standby, because he's been campaigning for president for 12 years. And now there's the new one Hillary Clinton coined tonight, "No way, no how, no McCain." That one impressed everyone because Clinton's "PUMAs" are getting cozy with John McCain. The Democrats need to stop coining memorable slogans every day, or they'll end up with a library of mindless partisan sayings and talking points, and might just win the election. Click the video icon to watch Clinton try and push her supporters back into the party fold.

• Fresh off a breakup with Drew Barrymore, Justin Long made out with Kirsten Dunst. He likes them (barely) sober! [R&M]

National polls have John McCain neck-and-neck with his presidential rival, or even ahead, but the presumptive Republican nominee insisted about 4,000 times to Jay Leno tonight that he's "the underdog." (Unlike Barack Obama, who's acting like he's already been elected Ayatollah!) Then Leno teased him about his 10 houses, and McCain responded that he was imprisoned for five years in Vietnam, so let's stop talking about his houses, because they didn't have any houses in a torture cell. What? The point seemed to be that McCain is not uppity, and instead of going to a fancy elite convention (this week) he's cracking wise with that other non-elite, hard-working underdog, Leno. This presumably is meant to play well with the bitters and "government pragmatists" in swing states. Here is some of the pitter patter (click the video icon).

We saw this earlier today, and we were like, "wtf, did we just see John McCain introduce Daddy Yankee for some reason?" but before we could figure out what the hell was going on CNN cut to something boring and non-Daddy Yankee-related. Thankfully, C-Span had the context. (Not that we watched this entire clip, because it's still a John McCain campaign appearance.) ENJOY. [Radar]

• Madonna probably helped John McCain a bit by showing a video of him alongside images of Hitler, Robert Mugabe, starving children and global warming. Obama was depicted as Gandhi and John Lennon. Luckily for Obama this video has not yet been shown in the U.S. [Times]