[Jim Behrle's Kreepie Kats can't wait until John McCain is the elected ruler of Alternate Reality Earth! In the Maverick World, no plumber will ever be taxed, regardless of whether he is a plumber, and we will all be plumbers, at heart. Klick thru for kartoon fun!] Click to view

If John McCain wins New Hampshire, his blogger daughter Meghan promises to get a tattoo of their state motto. Keep the polls close, America—she'll promise Ohio sexy noodz by Halloween. [Wonkette]

It's been painted as a reconciliation, but McCain's appearance on Letterman last night was a sorry spectacle. Letterman spent half the interview talking to McCain like he talks to Paris Hilton—an object of obvious scorn—and half of it trying quite hard to get McCain to admit that the Ayers line is useless bullshit and that Sarah Palin is an embarrassment. McCain squirmed. He hasn't done The Daily Show in a while, either, presumably for fear of a similar line of questioning. Which is sad! Because McCain loved doing those shows! He loved being the funny, charming, lovable, funny old man of the Senate! Watching him at the Al Smith dinner, you see the obvious joy he took in just getting laughs in a friendly room again. Which is exactly why McCan needs to lose this race. We're not going to argue about the security of this country, about McCain's sense of "honor," about the toxic atmosphere of the campaign, no—we're just talking about McCain's simple enjoyment of his own privileged life. McCain's humor has always been caustic, mean, sarcastic, and cruel—"thanks for the question, you little jerk" is hardly an example of wit, funny though it is—and it is sometimes a window into a dark, deep embitterment. It doesn't work politically, in the way the Reagan's genial old wisecracks worked. A president needs, to a certain extent, to be somewhat humorless. McCain's sense of humor is dark enough to make that need doubly true in his case. And it's clear McCain hates the grab-and-grin aspect of the race. He's never cared for the idiot rabble of "the base," and they've never cared for him. He's energized by the Sunday Morning Shows, not by a rally crying for blood. He took the mic away from that crazy lady because she was embarrassing him. Those aren't his people. He's not enjoying himself. And McCain palling around with Jon Stewart and Dave Letterman was certainly more fun to watch before this miserable race. It's easy to say that all McCain wants in this world is to be president, but honestly it sometimes seems like all he wants is to already have been president. Who wouldn't want to be Bill Clinton before he embarrassed himself during this campaign? Or Bush Senior after everyone forgot his miserable single term in office? Should McCain lose, he can hopefully look forward to a happy post-election media good will tour, and all his sins will be again forgotten. Maybe he can crack wise on Palin and Ayers. We'll happily let him go back to the way things were, with only a minimum of chastising those who take him back—as long as he promises never to run for president again.

Republican presidential nominee John McCain finally made a much-belated appearance on Late Night with David Letterman last night, and he doddered his way through with his "legendary" sense of humor. He's like a grampa making silly jokes at your miserable family birthday party! And it's not just what comes out of his mouth that's funny, it's what he makes his face do—intentionally or not. Our videographer Richard Blakeley has sifted through dozens of photographs and video stills and found the best of McCain's crazy facial expressions. Some say he's on Adderall, others that he's just a weird, bemusing old dude who isn't quite spring chicken enough for the highest office in the land. We just think he makes funny faces. Take a look at the photos after the jump and decide for yourself.

When Sarah Palin's teenage daughter Bristol revealed her pregnancy earlier this year, all of America played the exciting game "This Thing Is Like That Thing," remarking, "Hail fellow! This young maiden with childe recalls the heroine of the moving picture Juno. For seriousballs!" And it was good. Sadly, Sarah Palin is not Allison Janney, and according to Juno scripter Diablo Cody, Bristol is no Sunny D-swigging Juno, either:

No wonder he's losing! As was revealed in the Washington Post recently, John McCain's remote Arizona ranch features a lovely Verizon cell phone tower. Cindy, it turns out, asked for a tower back a couple years back. Verizon, remembering the Senator's wonderful work on behalf of the telecommunications industry during his time on the Commerce Committee, spent two years investigating the environmental and commercial impact of placing a permanent cell tower on the Senator's land, far, far, far away from anyone else who might benefit from it. Cindy says she asked for no special treatment, but the fact that Verizon's internal map of the area refers to it as "John McCain's ranch" suggests she may have been receiving it regardless. But this is the real story: while researching the environment impact of the tower, Verizon turned up evidence of an ancient Indian burial ground on McCain's property! Sort of! As Josh Green explains it:

♦ It's confirmed: Sarah Palin will appear on Saturday Night Live tomorrow. [NYDN]
♦ Yet another tragic consequence of the economic meltdown: Suze Orman is making money off the crisis with big-money endorsement deals. [WSJ]
♦ Playboy is cutting costs. How? With energy-efficient lightbulbs, naturally. [WWD]
♦ The Grammy nominations—not the actual awards, mind you—will be a TV special. [NYT]
♦ A hiring freeze is now in place at Condé Nast. [NYP]

Are you one of those crazy nuts who thinks there's no difference between the parties? Who thinks maybe that a small, elite ruling class just rearranges the nameplates every couple years to keep the rubes happy? Who suspects perhaps that the English Royal Family, along with the Illuminati, run a massive conspiracy to keep American political power in the hands of a secretive class of lizard aliens? Well then you certainly won't be dissuaded from your beliefs by the annual Al Smith dinner, an annual white tie affair at which the supposedly bitter rivals for the presidency swap funny funny jokes at each others' expense. DC has like three of these things every year too. Because partisanship is just a distraction to keep you from learning the truth! The truth that is exposed every year only by the cameras of C-SPAN! Oh, John McCain killed it. He was really funny! His speech is attached. Barack Obama's speech was actually pretty great too, his is after the jump.

As promised, John McCain finally made it to the Late Show with David Letterman tonight, and we've got CBS-supplied footage of many of the highlights. Not included: the twenty minutes of relentless McCain jokes that Letterman opened the show with to signal that this would hardly be a pushover appearance for McCain. And it wasn't!Things started to get somewhat heated just before the first commercial break, when Letterman clearly surprised McCain by meeting his Ayers reference with a question about McCain's association with Watergate criminal G. Gordon Liddy. As McCain struggled to figure out a response (eventually, he decided to embrace Liddy), Letterman pricelessly threw to commercial, leaving the candidate stranded. Also, Letterman? Not that confident in Sarah Palin's ability to lead! Peruse some of these highlights and see for yourself. [CBS]

Here's a preview of John McCain on Late Show tonight. He told host David Letterman, "I screwed up," then laughed and did a little "gee whiz" shrug, and made an awkward joke about being tortured in Vietnam. "What can I say?!" the Republican presidential nominee asked. Um, maybe give a reason why you lied about having to fly back to DC when you bailed on Letterman's show last time? Apparently that wasn't in the cards. Letterman later hit McCain for paling around with Watergate burglar and would-be firebomber G. Gordon Liddy, even though McCain has slammed Barack Obama for an arguably more distant relationship with 1960s radical William Ayers. By the end of the segment McCain appeared to be in full retreat on the Ayers issue. Witness McCain statement at the end of the clip after the jump (along with more bizarre face-pulls).

The entire political season has been leading up to this moment: no, not November 4, but tonight's appearance of John McCain on the Late Show with David Letterman! Ever since the presidential candidate canceled his September appearance at the last minute, the McCain/Letterman War of '08 has raged on, with a celebrity army (comprised of Paris Hilton and Julia Louis-Dreyfus) ready to fall on their swords for the late-night host. Now, finally, McCain has taped a make-up appearance set to air later tonight, and details are beginning to trickle out:

The best description of John McCain's simmering demeanour during last night's debate with Barack Obama, from a Republican contact of New York magazine's John Heilemann: "He’s Bob Dole morphed into Howard Beale from Network... I don’t see how he gets on a commercial airline and passes security.”

[From Getty Images, these are full-size cutouts of presidential candidate John McCain and his running mate, Marge Gunderson. The curtain separates the press from the real people on McCain's Straight Talk Air Express campaign plane.]

Gee, it's almost like Barack Obama's campaign predicted McCain would distance himself from President Bush at last night's debate! How else could they have put together this clever ad refuting McCain's crazy claim that he's not George W. Bush? More importantly: they highlighted all the mugging and blinking because that's the important message here. They're very good, right? [via Radosh]

The Last Time: The early numbers on Wednesday's final presidential debate between Barack Obama and John McCain put viewership around 38.3 million — squarely between their second face-off (42 million) and their first tilt last month (34 million). Viewers who watched to the very end were rewarded with the accompanying bit of McCain prankery, which had Democrats nationwide wondering when Barack Obama had become a lobbyist. [The Live Feed; photo via Wonkette]

You know what is weird and fascinating and taking up a great deal of our time today? Watching old episodes of The Daily Show from Election 2000. Jon Stewart was so young! And marginally less outraged all the time! (Though it is quite clear that the 2000 election shifted him with surprising speed from the sarcastic MTV alt-comedian of the '90s to the sarcastic outraged cataloger of horrors that he is today.) (Also Stephen Colbert was an amazing performer even then.) So check up on the depressing third debate between Al Gore and George Bush! Or watch with us the prescient "negative campaigning" debate between Steve Carell and Stephen Colbert, after the jump. And weep for your lost youth! Click to view

During the debate last night, Senator McCain repeatedly talked directly to some magical blue collar hero named Joe the Plumber. If this "Joe the Plumber" bullshit had any resonance (beyond with pundits who assume viewers and voters are so much dumber than them) it was probably tossed out the window once McCain said "hey Joe, you're rich. Congratulations." He said like at least twice, didn't he? (McCain always repeats his practiced zingers, which is a terrible habit.) Of course only in Matt Drudge's wet dreams did Joe the Plumber resonate with Ohio swing voters to begin with. He's a plumber, sure, respectable blue collar work. But honestly, right now, in this climate, how many voters exactly personally relate to a guy who's planning on buying a business? Oh no, Senator Obama might stop Pete the Locksmith from flipping his house and buying that Land Rover! And that was before it was revealed that Joe the Plumber might be a Republican plant! This Joe "the Plumber" Wurzelbacher already talks like a GOP pundit (he's got the accidental casual racism down!), and his aw shucks willingness to repeat ancient class war talking points to every camera in sight is actually a bit suspicious for a random voter, but the most important thing about Joe Wurzelbacher is his last name: it's the same as the last name of Charles Keating's son-in-law! Keating's son-in-law, Robert Wurzelbacher, served a 40-month prison sentence in 1993 in connection with Keating's Lincoln Savings and Loan collapse. Since then, who knows what he's been up to, but there is a Robert Wurzelbacher who lives just outside of Cincinnati, owns a wood company, and donates to Republicans. Meanwhile there is a Joseph Wurzelbacher who owns a painting company in Cincinnati! Along with a septic tank repair company! These dots were all connected by a DailyKos diarist, who has no proof that Joe and Robert Wurzelbacher are related, but, you know, it's suspicious. The Wurzelbvacher connection was also made, amusingly, by this right-wing satirical blogger. But regardless of whether Joe the Plumber is a Republican plant or not, one thing is for certain: he's not actually voting for McCain. Because the asshole isn't actually registered. Update: Joe the Plumber doesn't pay taxes. At all. He is registered to vote though! But if there's a typo in his registration, which seems possible, his provisional ballot will probably be thrown away. Hah.

Sure, John McCain is a MAVERICK, but there is, as many voters have learned, a flipside to that. The Republican presidential nominee can be impulsive and temperamental, and it's only been getting worse toward the end of the campaign, making past incidents, like his hollering at Times reporter Elisabeth Bumiller or his meltdown in front of the New Republic's Jeff Dearth, look like part of a very real pattern. Last night's debate was probably the last straw. McCain posted his worst-yet ratings in the post-debate polls, with his numbers falling most sharply, within live-reaction panels, in the wake of his comments on William Ayers, ACORN and opponent Barack Obama's alleged negative campaigning (which voters were predisposed not to believe). His incessant face-pulling, insane blinking and cranky interrupting (see videos after the jump) were equally destructive to his cause.

After three presidential debates, everyone has a pretty good idea of what they'll be able to mock (gently at first) about their next president. For George W. Bush it was his cocky, frat-boy persona and mispronunciations. That stopped being funny real fast. If Barack Obama wins, mockery will get more difficult, but he does tend to start sentences with "I believe" this and "I think" that. So arrogant and elitist, God! Plus, the ears. John McCain, meanwhile, says "my friends" too much and, especially tonight, blinks like a maniac. How erratic! Also, he pulls all kinds of just weird sarcastic faces when he's not interrupting people, as seen in the graphic at left, which appears to have already been crafted from tonight's footage. (In came from somewhere on Tumblr, but we don't yet know who made it.) McCain may be behind in the polls, but Saturday Night Live should really be in the tank, in its own self-interest.

Do you hear that? It's the sound of dozens of campaign reporters working the phones in a desperate attempt to scare up the first reaction quote from about Joe Wurzelbacher, aka Joe The Plumber, a small business owner who pointedly questioned Barack Obama on the campaign trail and became an incessant talking point for John McCain in tonight's otherwise boring presidential debate. McCain once again failed to deliver a performance that will help him steal supporters away from frontrunner Obama. Sure, his "I am not George Bush" line was a nice zinger that will be talked about tomorrow, but his Joe The Plumber fetish is far more fascinating.