[John Mayer looks at something strangely in London; image via INF]

So! John Mayer's on a roll these days. The Celebrity-Industrial Complex investigative blogger and expert on date-rapey sounding quotes is now suggesting to his minions that they embark on a one-week digital cleanse. And we're here to help.

Battle Studies, indeed! TMZ recently ran video of someone harassing James Cameron to sign an Avatar poster, the highlight of which: Cameron calling his "fan" a "fucking asshole." Typical TMZ. But Cameron's surprising public advocate nailed the story.

John Mayer took to the airwaves today on Ellen to announce that he is DONE DATING. Sorry ladies, he is off the market. He did not say that he was done having anonymous sex, however. Back on the market!

Lindsay Lohan's Rashomon-like love life takes three different turns in one day, Tiger Mistress #1 prepares to tell all, and the Salahis cancel Christmas. Come bathe in a sea of Thursday's gossip.

• Tiger Woods released a statement this morning: "I have let my family down and I regret those transgressions with all of my heart. I have not been true to my values and the behavior my family deserves. [TMZ]
• One thing that may have pushed Tiger to finally issue the apology: While Rachel Uchitel didn't want to cop to hooking up with Woods, two other women turned up to take her place yesterday. A 24-year-old waitress named Jaimee Grubbs appeared with tawdry text messages from Woods to back up her story. (Sample: "I will wear you out!") And a Vegas club manager came out to say she's been having an affair with him "for some time." [Us, NYP, NYDN]
• Tiger won't face criminal charges for crashing his SUV outside his Florida home. He's getting a traffic ticket and may pay a $164 fine. [Us]
• Bill Clinton is pumped his daughter Chelsea is marrying investment banker Marc Mezvinsky because, Bill says, Marc is a "great human being." Not only that, but when Hillary is traveling, Chelsea and Marc take pity on poor old Bill and take him to dinner and the movies. [People]
• Russian billionaire Roman Abramovich just bought a $90 million estate in St. Barts and now everyone is expecting him to throw the "It" Christmas party of the year. No word on whether the Salahis were invited. Not that the lack of an invite will stop them from attending anyway, of course. [P6]

• Last night's state dinner drew quite a crowd. On hand of the occasion: Katie Couric (accompanied by beau Brooks Perlin), Gayle King (sans Oprah), Brian Williams, Mayor Bloomberg (with Diana Taylor), Ari Emanuel, M. Night Shyamalan, Steven Spielberg, Jeffrey Katzenberg, and David Geffen (accompanied by his youthful boyfriend). Jennifer Hudson provided the entertainment; Naeem Khan was responsible for Michelle Obama's gold dress. [Politico, Reuters, NYP]
• She may not be in rehab (yet), but Lindsay Lohan is supposedly now in counseling and seeing someone a few times a week. It's a start, isn't it? [MSNBC]
• In what may be the most dubious story ever published by Us, a source tells the tabloid that Angelina Jolie "hates" President Obama because he's "all about welfare and handouts" and is really "a socialist in disguise." Naturally, the source goes on to say that Brad Pitt is still a fan of Obama, which means the two "get in nasty arguments" about politics "all the time." [Us]

John Mayer making a girl's wildest dreams come true on the streets of Soho ... Lindsay Lohan arriving at JFK ... Katie Holmes shopping with daughter Suri and stepdaughter Isabella ... Jon Gosselin leaving an office building and heading to Cosi for breakfast ... Mark Wahlberg watching a Knicks game ... Zac Efron heading into Sarabeth's on Central Park South ... Josh Duhamel arriving at JFK ... Michael Douglas walking to the set of Wall Street 2 ... Liev Schreiber and Naomi Watts walking their dog ... Matt Damon carrying a cup of coffee on the set of The Adjustment Bureau ... Christy Turlington picking up daughter Grace from school ... ... Susan Boyle getting in an SUV outside her hotel ... and Rihanna waiting for her car outside JFK.

No, seriously. John Mayer songs are great! Have you listened—like, really listened—to "Daughters"? That's a song. But why does John Mayer think it's awesome to give rapey quotes?

Ashley Greene leaving The Box last night with Kings of Leon bassist Jared Followill ... Robert Pattinson out and about in the meatpacking district ... John Mayer getting out of an SUV in Times Square ... Brooke Shields shopping in SoHo ... Julian Lennon walking in Midtown with a friend ... Ed Westwick shooting scenes for Gossip Girl on Central Park West ... Cyndi Lauper exiting Roseland Ballroom through the back door ... Anderson Cooper leaving the Ralph Lauren store on his bike ... Taylor Lautner shopping at Calvin Klein ... Josh Duhamel on the set of The Romantics ... Fergie leaving her hotel ... Katie Holmes leaving a Starbucks on Long Island ... and Kim Kardashian shopping with her mom, Kris Jenner.

• Are Beyoncé and Jay-Z making plans to have a baby? Perhaps. In a recent interview, Jay "let it slip that procreating is high on the duo's priority list right now." [NYDN]
• Madonna seems to be taking the next step with boyfriend Jesus Luz. She's reportedly jetting to Brazil to meet Luz's parents, including his mom who happens to be fifteen years younger than Madonna. This shouldn't be awkward at all! [Sun]
• Michael Lohan hasn't been sharing his daughter's dramatic phone calls with the world out of the goodness of his heart. He apparently first tried to sell them to various TV networks for $100,000, but ended up striking a deal with Radar, which has Gosselin giving them up for free but getting paid for an interview. Meanwhile, the latest Lohan phone call has been released. [P6, Radar]

Everyone is freaking out because Lohan and Versace look exactly the same. Also, Nicole Ritchie's baby appears, Kate is plus eight nightmares, and Hulk Hogan's suicide. Welcome to Wednesday's gossip gems!

• Lindsay Lohan is having another bad week. At the Whitney Museum of Art Gala last night, the "jelly-legged actress" had to hold on to a fence for "dear life" as she "stumbled out of the glitzy bash." But Mischa Barton was looking surprisingly put together, so that's good news, right? [Daily Mail, Sun]
• It's been a few years since Salman Rushdie and Padma Lakshmi split up, but the author is still obsessed with his ex-wife and talks about her "day and night," says Rushdie's most recent girlfriend, Broadway actress Pia Glenn. She also says Rushdie broke things off with her via email and may have been just using her for sex. [P6]
• Ali Wise, the socialite/ex-Dolce & Gabbana publicist who appeared in court yesterday on charges she hacked into a rival's phone, won't have to mount her defense until January. But there are four women now claiming Wise broke into their voicemail accounts now, not just one. [NYDN]

Andre Leon Talley, Vogue's inimitable editor-at-large, turns 60 today. Actor Tim Robbins is turning 51. John Mayer is 32. Angela Lansbury is 84. Sports commentator Tim McCarver turns 68. JetBlue founder David Neeleman is turning 50. David Zucker, the man who directed Airplane! and The Naked Gun, is 62. Broadway producer Jeffrey Seller is 45. Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers is turning 47. Bob Weir from the Grateful Dead turns 62. Mega-art collector Donald Jonas is 80. And Suzanne Somers turns 63 today. Below: A list of people celebrating their birthdays this weekend.

• Lindsay Lohan could use a little good news today, especially since she's still dealing with the aftermath of her disastrous outing at Paris Fashion Week. Today is not going to be that day, unfortunately. Lohan is set to appear in court in LA a little later to answer questions about whether or not she's violated the terms of the probation she was given after she was busted for DUI a couple of years ago. Let's hope her powers of persuasion are in full effect. The judge could potentially sentence her to jail time, which would not only suck for LiLo, but would also leave Emmanuel Ungaro directionless, clearly. [TMZ, E!]
• Are John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston back together? Is she simply powerless to resist his advances? And have they spent the last few weeks meeting up for secret, romantic escapades around town? For the sake of Aniston's long-term mental health, let's hope none of those things are true. [Us, People]
• Go set your DVR. Tyra Banks plans to air the "first-ever televised colonic" on her show today. Just don't watch it while you're eating. [Dlisted, Tyra Show]

Jennifer Aniston's in love with someone, again. Paul McCartney's son's dreams are coming true and dying all at once. Jon and Kate are still deplorable. And Courtney Hazlett calls out Melissa Rycroft. Hoorah! It's your Friday morning gossip roundup!

Mel Gibson and gal pal Oksana Grigorieva heading into Balthazar for lunch yesterday ... Jessica Simpson leaving the Ritz-Carlton in Midtown ... John Mayer walking around downtown ... Ivanka Trump arriving at a book signing at Barnes & Noble ... Kelly Rutherford heading to the set of Gossip Girl on the Upper West Side while Blake Lively and Chace Crawford talk on a bench nearby ... Matthew Broderick walking son James to school in the West Village ... Celine Dion leaving the Ritz ... Chris Pine walking by himself ... and Sarah Jessica Parker making her way to the set of Sex and the City 2 with a bunch of fans following behind her.

responding to a New York party reporter who had asked for his opinion on the health care debate.

• Gossip Girl's Kelly Rutherford got a temporary restraining order against her ex-husband, Daniel Giersch, saying that he harassed both her and her nanny, which, to add insult to injury, caused her nanny to quit. [TMZ, People]
• Randy Quaid, the actor who played Cousin Eddie in the National Lampoon's Vacation movies, may be more like his character than anyone thought. He was arrested near the Mexico border with his wife on charges that he bolted on a $10,000 hotel bill. The two have already posted bail, but not before hamming it up for their mug shots and scribbling a handwritten note to TMZ. Clark W. Griswold would be proud. [AP, TMZ, P6]
• She's been married to Keith Urban since June 2006, but Nicole Kidman is still known as "the lady who used to be married to Tom Cruise" by at least two Starbucks baristas, and she's not happy about it. [P6]

Sienna Miller walking her dog ... Rihanna getting out of an SUV ... Will Ferrell jogging near Union Square ... Matt Damon filming scenes for The Adjustment Bureau with Anthony Mackie in Brooklyn ... Paul Simon walking on Madison Avenue ... Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore leaving their hotel ... Kevin Bacon walking on 14th Street ... Bruce Willis arriving at ABC for an appearance on GMA ... Calvin Klein eating lunch outside at Sant Ambroeus in the Village ... Angie Harmon carrying her daughter on Madison Avenue ... and John Mayer leaving Gemma on the Bowery after having dinner.