• Ellen DeGeneres and Portia De Rossi officially tied the knot in front of 20 guests at their Beverly Hills home on Saturday, exchanging handwritten vows and Neil Lane rings. Ellen wore a pants suit; De Rossi opted for a Zac Posen gown. [NYP]

Whiney song-boy John Mayer poured his heart out to a group of paparazzi in the street about why he dumped America's sweetheart, Jennifer Aniston. "I ended a relationship because there is no lying. I ended a relationship to be alone because I don't want to waste somebody's time if something's not right. I don't waste people's time," he rambled. "I don't do 'the taper.' I guarantee you [that] 20 percent of the people on this street right now who are in a relationship wish they could get out but they don't know how. And I'm going to be honest on the way in to my relationships and I'm going to be honest on the way out of my relationships." He explained that he just had to break up with the awesome Aniston-if he hadn't, you see, he would have had to cheat on the lady. It's just as simple and innocent as that!

According to a tipster, before he became the well-known singer/songwriter/ladykiller that he is today, John Mayer was a Secret Service agent involved in a plot to assassinate President Bush and also subjected himself to bizarre government genetic tests which made him a mutant. We for one, believe it. How else could you explain his intense desire to suck face with Perez Hilton? Read the important dossier on Super Mutant "Meyer" after the jump. "Let me inform you about something, JOhn MEyer was a Secret Service agent outside Los Angeles California before he became a musician. He investigated theid guy Damian Light aka the D unknoen before he became publically a superstar and was put oup on television with his face in the back of the screen, John in turn supported a corrupt portion of the Federal MIlitary in investigating and setting D Unknoen up in a fake plot to destroy President Bush in an asasination attempt scanda, Unknoen was questioned after Meyer recieved the Grammy by Secret Service at a Police Station in Santa Barbara, by agentsw on JOhn meyers Secret service team... Unknoen (Light) was found innocent and let go and granted immunity even in htreatening th epresident by the secret Service who also calimed allegiance to 'People" magazine and weekly,, Unknoen then worked for a branch of the mIlitary known as the White HOuse..for a peiiod of Six months.. Unknoen knew Aniston since he was about 8 or 9 and that was over twenty years ago, she used to date his caretaker............Unknoen was set up on a show business initiation inorder to date actresses an dmake professional mives, detalis about htis are located ont he internet but are knot that huge, these dont include a list of his celbrity contacts...... */Meyer on the other hand, and this aint funny, may have set himself up as a genetic mutation, submitting himself to genetic testing with over five or ten clones at large with identical faces, but some of them use a hairdye, and others are over wight, they supposeldy sing one of the other clones songs..... who knows who writes the music, because it is horrible/*"

Ben Stiller making his way into the Good Morning America studios ... Madonna's son David getting caught in the rain on the Upper West Side ... Robert Downey Jr. leaving his hotel in Midtown ... Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard walking to a toy store in Brooklyn ... Ugly Betty's Becki Newton signing autographs outside ABC ... Lisa Rinna walking around Midtown ... Kelsey Grammer and his wife returning to their hotel after a visit to the doctor ... and John Mayer walking near his apartment, completely covered up with a scarf over his face.

• Christian Bale is set to get a "caution" about his alleged assault on his Mom and sister in London, but only if he admits guilt first. Comedian Russell Brand: "In England, we have such good manners that if someone says something impolite, the police will get involved. Christian Bale, I believe whilst in a restaurant, rolled his eyes at the lighting. That is an offense punishable by five years in prison in the United Kingdom."

• John Mayer dumped Jennifer Aniston after the actress pushed him for "a timetable" and to promise not to tour so much when they eventually make babies together. (Sounds clingy.) There was a trial split first. Aniston was said "furious" initially but now is pretending that she's "already dating someone else in LA."

• Jay-Z is in talks to sell a stake in his 40/40 club to the owners of Las Vegas' Venetian and Palazzo hotels for $44 million. The deal would also allow the club to expand to Europe, a continent clamoring for overpriced Cristal. [Page Six]

• Barack Obama maybe has something new in common with Hillary Clinton, because according to Scarlett Johansson the whole foofaraw over Obama's email to her was "a product of extreme sexism." [AP]

• Jennifer Aniston is turning 40 in February, childless and unwed. No one cares except the actress herself, who according to OK!'s source is "at an age where she is thinking with her head not just her heart" and according to Star's source is telling friends "it's my turn now" to have babies in the manner of a certain bitch who stole away a certain man from a certain starlet who is so not bitter and so totally over him. So Aniston is already planning the "Wedding Of The Year" even though, apparently, the groom hasn't even proposed yet?? Getting two tabloids involved is a bit much pressure on poor John Mayer, no?

• NBC has greenlit Dick Wolf and Chris Levinson's Lost and Found, a drama about—what else?—a female detective. [Variety]

Large-headed, sensitive singer and Jennifer Aniston boyfriend John Mayer is testifyin' in the war against thuggish paps that chase celebs all over Los Angeles. Reports the L.A. Times, there was a hearing yesterday about the city's paparazzi problem, where Mayer spoke: "I'm asking you to regulate it... I don't want to beg the city of Los Angeles to give me 1987 back. I love being a famous musician in 2008… This is about safety."" He had a host of recommendations, including:

Ah, the buzz cut: that sometimes-risky, sometimes-successful ‘do usually sported by male celebrities when it's required for a role in a military/secret agent/futuristic film or because they need a quick way to change their public image. But no matter what their reasons are for taking the razor to the scalp, the look has roughly a 50/50 chance of working. Two of the most recent stars to shave it all off are Jennifer Aniston arm candy John Mayer and new member of the Movie Press-Generating Lawbreakers’ Club Josh Brolin, and while Mayer irritatingly manages to pull the look off despite his big head ego, Brolin’s close cut reveals a bit too much skin. Which immediately made us reminisce on buzz cuts of the past, both the bad (Hey, Jude), the good (pre-Scientology Tommy C.), and the very ugly (Attack Of The Killer Umbrella-Bearers):

[Singer/songwriter/babymaker John Mayer in Los Angeles today; image via Bauer-Griffin]

In light of some breaking hair-related news involving future fugitive Katie Holmes, we must admit that we’ve underestimated the Scientology prisoner. As the Daily Mail reported over the weekend, Broadway’s least-alluring celebrity rookie recently chopped off even more of her already chin-grazing bob, and even dared to pull out those hair curlers in what could be the beginning move in a new strategy to finally flee the Knights of Hubbard. Though Kate’s "boyish" cut may backfire, it’s a clever plan nonetheless. Below, we provide five of the best examples of drastic 'do-caused catastrophes directly linked to highly publicized breakups, from Jennifer Aniston’s self-conscious bob that led to Brangelina, to Cameron Diaz’s unfortunate goth dye job that failed to inspire any future sex or love sounds from Justin Timberlake:

Maggie Gyllenhaal and Aaron Eckhart showing up at the Today show to promote Dark Knight ... John Mayer hamming it up for the cameras downtown ... Natalie Portman carrying a doggie bag in the Village ... Kanye West with a Louis Vuitton backpack waiting for his car ... Gabrielle Union crossing the street on Central Park South ... Heidi Klum leaving her West Village apartment in a hurry ... Everybody Love Raymond's Brad Garrett at Columbus Circle with a female friend ... Whoopi Goldberg taking a walk near her apartment in SoHo ... Restaurateur Drew Nieporent sitting in the first row at the All-Star Game last night ... Kelly Osbourne leaving a lunch downtown ... Kimora Lee Simmons arriving at a party to promote Fabulosity, her newest clothing line.

• Alterna-socialite Arden Wohl was arrested for writing "Ralphy Lipshits" on the front of a Ralph Lauren boutique in lipstick. That's a variation on the designer's real name of "Ralph Lipschitz" and a dumb thing to do while wearing a headband (which, face it, she almost certainly was), which is probably the clue that allowed police to track Wohl down after she made her drawing. Oh, she also stole some miniature American flags. [P6]

• After weeks of battling in court, Christie Brinkley and Peter Cook negotiated a "surprise" settlement last night, which they announced at 6 AM this morning. Many of the details are still fuzzy—they'll explain more when they get to court this morning—but custody will likely stay as is, and Christie will likely retain ownership of most of the couple's properties. [NYP]

Pierce Brosnan waving to fans on his way out of Da Silvano ... Agyness Deyn taking her puppies for a walk, iced coffee in hand ... Lourdes Leon checking out her manicure outside Madonna's Upper West Side apartment ... Kirsten Dunst carrying a stack of magazines and a cup of lemonade through SoHo ... John Mayer leaving his apartment downtown, en route to a gig on Long Island ... Carolyn Murphy, Gwyneth Paltrow and Elizabeth Hurley outside the Waverly Inn.

[Crooner lothario John Mayer in the Soho (South Of Houston) section of New York State's New York City yesterday; image via INF]

Where is Jennifer Aniston? We've been asking ourselves that question for what feels like three whole days now. And we're apparently not the only ones. At a gig in Milwaukee last night, boyfriend John Mayer was pouring his heart into those Grammy-winning sobfests he calls a repertoire when the usual "I want your body!" and "Are you sure you're not gay!" yelps from fans turned from coos to catty. Reports People, "Several fans were overheard yelling 'Where's Jennifer?' and 'Bring Jen Out!' in between songs." Though Mayer got his revenge by boring the crowd to tears with a volatile hate rant against the Internet and all its "vulgar" ways, we couldn't help wondering how long the oh-so-serious musician will allow yet another tabloid-y romance interfere with his craft. Or is his craft only sustainable with the help of all these tabloid-y romances?