Tom Felton has a record deal and a song about Hawaii. Jessica Simpson makes out with a purse. Mila Kunis compares sex to communism. The Black Eyed Peas take an "indefinite break." Tuesday gossip starts from scratch.

Madonna's brother worries about her love life. Lindsay Lohan is "completely over the club scene." Justin Bieber's toy-begging technique caught on tape. Ronnie Specter says Snooki stole her 'do. Monday gossip craves young blood.

Owen Wilson, Marion Cotillard, and Jewel are having babies. Kanye got his album cover banned on purpose. Michael Douglas beats cancer. Andy Dick gets kicked out of the Oscars of porn. Tuesday gossip giggles and coos.

Jewel visited Chelsea last night to discuss her new album and her latest non-musical venture: a cross-country motorcycle trip with her husband. Her self-deprecating humor and willingness to go toe-to-toe with the Queen of TMI are strangely charming.

The 2010 Emmy Awards are history, and—whether you watched live or not—these are the moments you'll want to remember. From the opener, to the Conan jokes, to the most awkward parts—and more!—video of the best/worst moments is inside.

Another day, another great Funny or Die exclusive. This time, Jewel disguised herself—prosthetic nose and all—as a homely businesswoman, visited a Santa Monica karaoke bar and sang a couple of her songs. The results were awesome. Video inside.

Bob Dylan has been recording a Christmas album featuring songs like "O Little Town of Bethlehem" and "Here Comes Santa Claus," according to two websites. His career trajectory does seem about at that regrettable stage. The precedents are sad.

She's old now too. It was her 40th birthday over the weekend, and her heartbreaker/lovemaker boyfriend Johny Mayer sang "Happy Birthday" to the actress at her bday bash. Tom Hanks was there!

John Lundberg reviews celebrity poetry for the Huffington Post today, covering the oeuvres of such notables as Suzanne Somers, Leonard Nimoy, and Charlie Sheen. He makes the "well, duh" assessment that songwriters often fare the best, citing Wilco's Jeff Tweedy as an example. In doing so he manages to forget the estimable Jewel, whose poems are described, on the back of her 1998 book A Night Without Armor (get it??), as "A talented artist's intimate portrait of what makes us uniquely human." Right. The bulk of her work consists of a few hackneyed sentences which she chopped up by hitting the "return" button at random, turning them into twee bits of verse. The singer, who hilariously got served by MTV's Kurt Loder over a malapropism while promoting the book, shares some deep thoughts with us after the jump.