In parsing Good Luck Chuck's apparent cinematic influences, an latimes.com slideshow makes this not-unexpected discovery concerning Hollywood most stubbornly never-nude (for now, at least) actress: "The first thing we noticed...was that about 30 women took off their shirts in the film and none of them was named Jessica Alba." [latimes.com]

Asked by People for the secret to her much coveted physique, Good Luck Chuck star Jessica Alba admitted her busy schedule has prevented her from doing any actual exercise for months. Instead, the Teen Choice Awards "favorite female hottie" winner attributes her figure to yoga, and "drinking a lot of water." Pear-shapped and muffin-topped women everywhere reacted to the news in one of two ways: Either by sending telepathic fat-waves towards the hateful Alba, or by taking her advice to heart, and diving into a clumsy approximation of a "downward dog" they once saw Julia Roberts demonstrate on Oprah, before toasting their new bodies with a refreshing bottle of high fructose corn syrup fortified Pepsi WaterMax.

· After a decade in existence, DreamWorks is tantalizingly close to crossing the $1 billion box office mark for the first time. You know what that means: three-day weekend for everyone in the Paramount family! [Variety]
· Continuing the tradition of casting attractive female co-stars with questionable acting abilities he established in his Austin Powers films, Mike Myers has added Jessica Alba to the talent roster of his big-screen comeback, The Love Guru. [THR]
· Ben Stiller and his Red Hour Films will stay in the DreamWorks family for at least three more years, and to show how happy the studio was to renew their deal, they sent over one of their favorite creative executives for Stiller to do with as he pleases. [Variety]
· The NLRB rules that studios can't press WGA members into webisode slave-labor. Expect the studios to continue to refuse to pay for the new-media content and force PAs and writers' assistants to write the clips on their lunch breaks. [THR]
· TNT renews Saving Grace, USA reorders Burn Notice, and Lifetime picks up a second season of Army Wives. And there is still not a damn thing to watch on network TV this summer. [Variety]

Former assistant claims Jessica Alba got herpes from Derek Jeter. Or, you know, pretty much anyone else she has ever done it with, because at least 21% of the adult population has herpes. [L.A. Rag Mag]

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so them in often. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and tell everyone about the time you overhead Jessica Alba politely decline the styling assistance of a fellow Coffee Bean patron.

At first, we thought that some editor at Parade (motto: "When the Cerritos Pennysaver's celebrity coverage is too hard hitting, we're there for you.") was trying to slyly undermine the above pullquote (from this Sunday's issue) about Jessica Alba's ambitious plan to produce movies with empowering female roles by reminding everyone that her greatest critical accolade is the coveted "Sexiest Performance" Golden Tub of Popcorn. But then we realized that when the actress really gets her producing career rolling, those are exactly the parts she'll develop for herself, proving to the white males who control Hollywood that she no longer needs them to cast her in the stripper roles that best show off her talents.

• Britney Spears' dad speaks out about Brit's firing her manager Larry Rudolph: "The Spears family would like to publicly apologize to Larry for our daughter's statements about him over the past few weeks." Britney's response: "I am praying for my father. We have never had a good relationship. It's sad that all the men that have been in my life do not know how to accept a real woman's love." Damn, we like this new publicist-having Britney! [Page Six]
  

Today's LAT "Cause Celebre" column, which covers the hottest do-gooding trends that you'll soon see your favorite starlet promote in the pages of Us Weekly with a Kitson-bought t-shirt bearing a slogan like TEAM ANTI-GENOCIDE, profiles International Crisis Group senior adviser John Prendergast, Hollywood's go-to guy for Africa-related issues. Sadly, when Prendergast returns home from a trip to L.A., he finds that his peers in Washington openly sniff at the unpleasant scent of Show Business he carries back with him:

Browsing the latest Worth 1000 Photoshop contest that challenges participants to take the fanciful leap of imagination required to render some of the world's biggest female stars as anorexics (whoever submitted the Nicole Kidman entry really should have been disqualified for lazily adding barely a brushstroke), we were struck by how much the Jessica Alba-with-a-meth-habit "after" submission was evocative of contemporary Teri Hatcher portraiture. It should be a comfort to Alba knowing that long after she has tumbled off the "must" lists and descended into a decade-and-a-half-long tailspin at the crusty bottom of a glass pipe, our love of a good comeback will always ensure that Hollywood's door will forever remain, for lack of a better turn of phrase, cracked open.

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are now posted several times a week—so start sending them in more often! Send yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and let everyone know about the time Tony Danza demonstrated the classy way to be a shitfaced celebrity at a Malibu bar.

We have to hand it to Jessica Alba: It's a good plan. When in your natural habitat, play up a humble, sweet-natured image. Bemoan your status as a sex symbol movie star forever struggling to break free from the burden of almost supernaturally hot looks. Show some versatility, and at the same time poke fun at your image by hosting an irreverent cable awards show. Then, go up to Canada a couple times a year to unleash the raging bitch from hell you've been bottling up for months on some of their irritatingly "nice" locals. Jaunted.com summarizes Vancourverites' general feelings about the star, in town shooting Good Luck Chuck with Dane Cook:

· Lionsgate will produce a remake of evil-cornea-transplant thriller The Eye, with Jessica Alba in talks to star based solely on the studio's appreciation of her acting ability. [Variety]
· The now startlingly chubby Raven-Symone (what happened?) will star in Disney's remake of Adventures in Babysitting, which in a departure from the original will center on a psychotic babysitter's attempt to devour the children in her temporary care. We never thought we'd see that day where we'd do two cheap "Raven-Symone is fat" jokes in the same post, but there you have it. [THR]
· Comedy Central plans to finally re-air South Park's Emmy-nominated, Tom-Cruise-baiting "Trapped in the Closet" episode on July 19th, which still gives the network plenty of time to pull the show again and reap an extra round of publicity by caving to pressure from Cruise and/or Scientology. [Variety]
· Fox crushes all competition with the baseball's All-Star Game. [THR]
· MTV and Cingular get together to ensure that your cellphone can receive a constant stream of Viacom product. OMG! It's like having the entire cast of Laguna Beach in your pocket! LOL! [Variety]

• Paris Hilton seems to have backed out on her promise to organize a benefit concert for an Australian charity that works with ill children. And since her failure, some of the children have died. Seriously. [Courier-Mail]
• And as if letting sick kids die weren't offensive enough, Paris also performs a hit-and-run for the paparazzi's benefit. [TMZ]
• Meredith Vieira decides to start wearing underwear for her new gig on the Today show, and so Matt Lauer can finally sleep at night. [Lowdown (2nd item)]
• Even dolphins want to fuck Jessica Alba. [Page Six]
• Kate Moss chugs Jager, publicly vomits, and returns to form within a matter of minutes. You knew she'd be a master of the boot-n-rally. [Mirror]
• Life & Style's new executive editor Mark Coleman receives a rare moment of redemption from Page Six. On Friday, they reported that Star EIC Joe Dolce blames Coleman for for the mag's famous cover gaffes; today, they see emails that prove otherwise. Poor Dolce — usually item-planting goes so smoothly. [Page Six]
• Today marks the 12th anniversary of the OJ Simpson murders. Celebrate with the cheating bitch you love. [R&M (last item)]

Jessica Alba should be proud. Her fierce protection of her image and stubborn refusal to give into the flesh-baring pressures that eventually consume nearly all B-list actresses has created a demand for a prurient glimpse of her naughty parts so intense that the online world is reflexively salivating over a glimpse of something, anything possibly visible through the tumescence-dampening protection of a fleetingly revealed bra. If Alba doesn't find that inevitable tasteful nudie vehicle soon (we're still partial to something with flight attendants or police cadets, or preferably both), we think the internets may completely implode from frustration.

Thanks to a personal note of apology from Hugh Hefner, the feud between Playboy and unwitting cover girl Jessica Alba has ended without litigation. Alba, you'll recall, was displeased that a promotional photo of her in full Into the Blue wardrobe landed on the magazine's cover, potentially indicating that she appeared nude inside the magazine, a career-resuscitating desperation move that still might be years away from occurring. Reuters quotes from Hefner's "my bad" note owning up to his publication's premature actions:

· Jessica Alba still wants that Playboy pulled, but the magazine's people make a very good point: When Donald Trump was on the cover, no one expected to see him spread-eagle on one of his incredibly tacky dining room tables.
· Every backlash has its anti-backlash. Craignotbond.com, meet Givecraigachance.com.
· Cracked teaches you how to win your very own Oscar. Hint: Anal sex is the new ugly.
· If this morning's post didn't satisfy your craving for Eddie Murphy tranny stories, there's a lot more where that came from.
· We've never seen a Kirsten Dunst impression before, but this YouTuber kind of knocks it out of the park.

Outraged that Playboy sneakily obtained an Into the Blue promotional photo of client Jessica Alba in a bikini and slapped it on the cover of an issue in which the actress does not expose so much as an ankle, the Scary Hollywood Lawyers of Lavely and Singer have fired off an angry letter to the skin mag expressing their extreme displeasure with their tactics, and in the process, revealed a more than passing familiarity with the magazine's nudie customs. As always, The Smoking Gun has the goods:

Why are we so amused by the sight of a celebrity returning to her vehicle and finding a little gift from Beverly Hills Parking Enforcement tucked under her windshield wiper? Unfortunately, any petty thrill (and oh yes, we are petty) we temporarily derive from believing that Fate has delivered a karmic paper-cut to a flawlessly manicured finger is incredibly fleeting, supplanted by the certainty that the poor meter maid who dared deliver the slightest disappointment to one of our anointed was later crushed by a runaway Hummer for her careless insolence.

· Silly kangaroo! Never take career advice from Meg Ryan!
· Tara Reid: still sweetly trying to convince us of her awesome mental abilities.
· The gang at B&C was hoping for bloodshed at today's Guild protests over product placement; unfortunately, the newly militant WGA chose to go the peaceful, if noisy, route.
· When Paul Walker isn't busy being used a virtual sexual prop, he's fantasizing about hate-fucking Into the Blue co-star Jessica Alba.