It's amazing that people still think they get a do-over on the Internet. Weight-loss consultant Renee Stephens blamed her husband's boorish behavior on ABC's Wife Swap on "stress" — then unpublished her pseudo-apology.

San Francisco residents Stephen Fowler, a venture capitalist, and Renee Stephens, a weight-loss therapist, disastrously appeared on ABC's Wife Swap, confirming every stereotype one might have about the city's precious, spoiled environmentalists. Boy, they're sorry!

Several months ago I found out that someone had hired a private investigator to go blundering around my hometown, harassing old acquaintances and trying to dig up dirt on me. I wrote all about it here. Unfortunately, that wasn't the end of the situation. Another private eye has been asking around about me here in NYC as recently as last week. But here's the good part: I now know who hired the PIs to go after me. They were angry about things I've written. To the culprit(s)—and I know you'll read this—now is your chance to email me and explain yourself. You should do so in the near future. If you don't tell me your story, you may find that someone else has told it for you. [I also know that there are people who knew that this was going on, but who were not responsible themselves, and who believe the whole thing was sleazy. I encourage you to email me as well.]

We haven't heard from moleman, former New York City Mayor, and all around horrible creature Rudy Giuliani in a while. With his Presidential ambitions turning out to be a colossal joke, and the right wing GOP base sure to find offense with his gay-friendly, cousin-marrying, adulterating ways, surely he's found a nice quiet palace where he and his money can hide away in peace? No such luck. He's doing his best to shred his last ounce of credibility by wandering the hinterland and defending Sarah Palin—in that typically nasty Giuliani way of his.

"The truth is that Lorillard markets its Newport brand cigarettes to adult smokers of all ethnicities," writes Lorillard CEO Martin Orlowsky to the Chicago Tribune today. "The truth is that our marketing is not disproportionately directed to African-Americans. The truth is that we do not target underage smokers. The truth is that there are twice as many Caucasian menthol cigarette smokers as there are African-American menthol cigarette smokers. I challenge those who want to prove otherwise to come forward with evidence to support their charges." Ha, well... Lorillard doesn't have to market disproportionately to African-Americans, because the market share of menthols in the black community is already massive. Look at Orlowsky's own math:

Surprise, surprise. TMZ once again reveals itself to be complete dogshit. Though Harvey Levin might be killing the site anyway, so maybe it doesn't matter.

Pussy-smashing brew-guzzler and occasional blogger Tucker Max is hard at work on the Shreveport, Louisiana set of his comedic masterpiece film debut I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell. The ideal situation would obviously be for Tucker to produce, direct, star in, and cater the movie himself, but due to demands on his valuable time he's forced to take on lesser mortals as his assistants. One of whom, surprisingly, has now quit in disgust and forwarded along his story to us! After the jump, the sad tale of woe, abuse, and poop. But Tucker has a warning for you haters: "I didn't get where I am today by being a moron.": The young man was a Tucker fan, and quit a real job to go be a paid assistant on the set of Tucker's film, where we pick up his experiences:

Blogger mentor Tucker Max runs a blog network called Rudius Media that is badass, bro. Earlier today we mentioned that one former Rudius blogger once worked for six months only to receive a check for less than a hundred bucks ($82, to be exact). Now that blogger, Brandon Woods, has helpfully forwarded us the email chain that ensued after he emailed Tucker-very politely, we might add-to ask how the hell he came to be paid such a paltry sum for half a year's work. Tucker Max's reply to him (which he also forwarded to six other people) is below. And, well, yea:

Tucker Max, the "bet I can fuck this one-eyed chick in the bathroom after consuming 13 warm Coronas, bro" blogger and moviemaker-whose classic comedy movie script we excerpted for you this week-seems be an unpopular fellow, judging from the emails we receive around here. Considering the fact that he has built an "empire," ha, upon the stated foundation of being an asshole, it's not surprising. But it is getting a little hard to keep up. Today, we're going to give you a quick roundup of the various accusations against the man that have poured in to us. None of which are confirmed! Much like Tucker's own writing, they're just shit on the internet. Although several do seem to be in character for him:

You, the public, recently got to preview portions of the horrific (currently in production!) movie script for I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell, written by "Dude, I did 12 shots of Jamesons and totally puked on that chick's tits" bro-blogger Tucker Max. The primary question that arose afterwards was, "What kind of girl would go out with this asshole?" Well, ladies and gentlemen, we (purportedly) have an answer-with all of the "whores," bad sex, emotional manipulation, fried chicken, drunk driving, and, uh, other bad things that you would have imagined: A tipster forwarded us the following text, which they say is an entry that was deleted from Tucker Max's ex-girlfriend's blog. We don't follow the man's love life closely enough to know whether this is true, but the blog does have Tucker Max listed as its contact person. Portions of this post have been floating around the internet for some time now. That's our disclaimer. Now here's the alleged Tucker Max love experience:

For a certain kind of mommy and daddy-the kind you would see in a New York Times weekend feature-merely sending their precious little dumplings to some of the poshest, coddling-est summer camps in the nation isn't enough. They also supply their whimsically special bunnies with contraband cellphones and drive camp administrators insane by constantly demanding even special-er treatment for their holy spawn. "Their parents, meanwhile, were bombarding the camp with calls: one wanted help arranging private guitar lessons for her daughter, another did not like the sound of her child's voice during a recent conversation, and a third needed to know - preferably today - which of her daughter's four varieties of vitamins had run out. All before lunch."

At the risk of sounding earnest, there is simply no end to the incompetence and ethical failure at 5WPR, profane superflack Ronn [sic] Torossian's comically inept PR firm. FailedMessiah.com finds 11 more fraudulent, sock puppet blog comments, dating back to last month, that came from the IP address of the home computer of Juda Engelmayer, the 5WPR VP already busted for one earlier fake comment. I guess the evidence has now become overwhelming enough that Ronn himself has issued a statement-possibly the most laughable, inadequate apology-turned-sales pitch I've ever heard from a PR guy:

Donald Trump is a big, blustering, sexist dinosaur. The real estate tycoon and reality TV show host can "fire" us or call us a big fat dyke for saying so. Of all his delightful qualities, one of his most charming is his seemingly unlimited joy for belittling and needlessly berating women. His latest target is actress/princess of Genovia Anne Hathaway. The Donald recently lashed out at her, saying that she only broke up with be-scandaled Eyetalian Rafaello Follieri because his legal troubles caused the money to run out. "So when he had plenty of money, she liked him," he garbled to Access Hollywood. "But then after that, not as good, right?" No, actually, we suspect it's because he was arrested for stealing fucking millions of dollars that Hathaway ended the affair, not because the money trail went cold. She's been doing pretty well for herself in the films lately, so finances probably aren't a huge worry for her. But she's a woman!

Television producer and angry blogger Chez Pazienza has a two-year-old bone to pick with M. Night Shyamalan, the dopey screenwriter/director behind such dreck as The Village and Samuel L. Jackson Has Osteoporosis. And he's finally decided to share it with the general public, on his blog and on the Huffington Post. Just what did Shamalamadingdong do to piss off Pazienza so? During an interview for Shyamalan's dreadful "fairy tale" about things called Narfs, Lady in the Water, the hack acted like the haughty, bratty Hollywood idiot everyone already suspected him of being. He didn't like the format, he didn't like the camerawork, he didn't like anything. Though it's an old story, it does seem timely as his next sure-to-be dismal effort The Happening is hitting theaters tomorrow. Plus it's always nice to have suspicions confirmed. Some choice bits from Pazienza's rant are after the jump.

Teenagers have always been complete jerks, but in the YouTube age, they have an unprecedented ability to share their jerky ways with the entire world. And then to get arrested for it. When two teenage jerks in (naturally) Florida videotaped themselves pulling a "Fire in the hole" prank—tossing a huge cup of soda through the window at a drive-through worker—and put it up on YouTube, the enterprising victim did some online detective work of her own and caught them. Now, a judge has sentenced the young punks to post another video of themselves on YouTube: "an apology that shows them facedown and handcuffed on the hood of a car." That's nice and everything, but even better would be an apology that shows them facedown after being beat up by angry fast food workers. (Florida McDonald's veteran here, thank you). Sometimes, too, teenage jerks get their comeuppance right when they try their stupid soda-tossing. Like this:

Hey there. Mind if I overshare for sec? Okay, so this morning I thought I'd slip out for a little siesta because it's 700 degrees in New York, but as soon as I reached my siesta spot, I fell into a deep, black pit of brooding and could hardly drag myself back. No, I was not drinking. Here's the problem. After all this time and so many executions some commenters still don't fucking get it. I know, I know, I'm supposed to ignore the stupids and the mean-freaks but the fact is it's just me for two days straight, only 12 to 15 items per day and every fucked-up, wrongheaded comment feels tremendously amplified. So for the very few of you who still don't understand that we have rules here, I am going to ask you to at least observe the following.

The WSJ wraps up its three-part series on the Bear Stearns Wall Street clusterfuck today, and it is a masterpiece of financial journalism that's a lock for a Pulitzer. Uh, not that we care. In the final installment, various cutthroat maneuvers lead to JP Morgan's bitter $2-per-share salvation of the troubled Bear. And it's clear that enemies of JP Morgan CEO Jamie Dimon (such as: formerly wealthy people who work at Bear Stearns!) were very forthcoming sources on this story, because two of the best anecdotes in the piece do nothing but make him look like a snippy asshole:

Former White House correspondent and current MSNBC host David Gregory just may be taking over for Chris Matthews once Matthews' very expensive contract is up next year. It is hoped, by MSNBC brass, that the kinda well-liked Gregory will be less of a headache than the notorious diva Matthews. But maybe he'll be just as bad! We asked for your stories about Gregory, and you delivered. As we said yesterday, his reputation in DC was not particularly bad for a TV "star." But that town is sycophantic enough to forgive a lot. So far, you all agree that David Gregory is, in fact, a jerk. Your personal stories of jerkdom, after the jump (and feel free to send more).

MSNBC took away Tucker Carlson's show because it was terrible and no one watched it. They gave to former White House correspondent David Gregory (the tall guy). We're not sure if his show is terrible or not, because no one still watches it. But regardless, rumors continue to fly that Gregory is being "groomed" to take the place of Hardballer Chris Matthews. Matthews is a network star, but he comes with a lot of baggage, like accusations of sexism, embarrassing magazine profiles, and his inability to deal politely with his staff. Gregory—famous for, in addition to his height, his testy and sarcastic exchanges with Bush press secretaries—doesn't have the ratings to justify any of this yet, obv, but supposedly CBS wants him so therefore NBC needs him even more because that's how TV works with its "talent." But would replacing Matthews with Gregory be even more of a disaster?

Here on day two of the Roger Clemens Infidelity Scandal And Schadenfreude Festival Of '08, it's becoming more clear that the brawny former Yankees ace pitcher and full time jerk did in fact cheat on his wife with the wild country singer Mindy McCready. Because now she's admitted it! McCready said the two did have an ongoing affair, although the sex didn't start until she was of legal age. They first met when she was only 15, (Miley Cyrus joke). But the most entertaining aspect of this scandal is how Clemens—heroic, honored, self-righteous, dismissive of critics, a King of New York—is turning into an uncanny baseball version of another recently fallen hero: Eliot Spitzer.