The NYPD is seeking a man who allegedly “masturbated to completion” on an uptown A train Friday morning while covering his lap with a black baseball cap. Not covering it well enough, apparently, because the woman who reported him says she distinctly saw his penis. She also sent Gothamist this video of the man apparently pleasuring himself on a packed train:

The Handie, a made-in-USA, food-grade silicone handjob robot, is seeking funding on Indiegogo. The "all-in one finishing tool for men" does everything: vibrates, simulates penetration, self-lubricates, looks like Thing from the Addams Family with tumors. Everything!

As part of his hazing ritual for joining Manchester United, a young David Beckham had to jerk off to a picture of another dude in front of his jeering teammates.

This morning actress Debi Mazar (who also happens to be my number one fan) found a crazy sight on the front stoop of her house in the Los Feliz neighborhood of L.A. There was a homeless person passed out on the welcome mat. Debi took it in stride, until he started jerking off.

Last week was a rough one for United Airlines, between its Ground Zero ad controversy and an accidental reinstating of the 9/11 flight numbers. So the last thing it really needed was a sticky P.R. nightmare involving a passenger taking the old slogan "come fly the friendly skies" to disgustingly literal extremes.