Went to the Polo Lounge this past Friday for lunch with a friend, fancy I know, but it was on his work account. Anyway...

New Year, new jobs: Tom Cruise has assigned Katie Holmes reproductive duties, Alec Baldwin's famous voice finally got him his dream job and Lauryn Hill is testing new mounts.

• It looks like Ashley Dupre's 15 minutes of fame isn't entirely over jet yet: She was spotted at HarperCollins' offices and is now reportedly trying to sell a memoir. [P6]
• Hijinks at the Golden Globes: Leonardo DiCaprio asked CAA to construct a ladder so he could sneak into the agency's dinner last Friday and avoid the press. Adrian Grenier and Paris Hilton were denied entry to another event. And Harvey Weinstein appears to be smoking again: He was spotted taking cigarettes out of Hilary Swank's purse. [P6]
• It's not easy being a Forbes: The family is taking its Highlander yacht out of commission until summer and has fired the ship's crew in the meantime. [P6]
• Eddy Curry is being sued by his former chauffeur for sexual harassment, after the Knicks center allegedly tried to "solicit gay sex" from the driver and forced him to "perform humiliating tasks." [NYP]

Jeremy Piven faced quite the gauntlet at last night's Globes: a press pack hungry to douse him in soy sauce and eat him alive, plus his aggrieved former Broadway costar, Elisabeth Moss.

Jeremy Piven was looking well at the Golden Globe awards last night. Seemingly recovered from his recent suspicious mercury poisoning, he told an interviewer that the illness just left him like really wiped-out, man.

Producers may be able to use the SECRET results of a second doctor's exam against "mercury" poisoned Jeremy Piven. Also, Oprah is maybe having a SECRET party.

• One of Martha Stewart's former "prison pals" says she recently approached the domestic diva for help with her medical bills and all she got in return was an autographed photo. So now she's making money the old-fashioned way: She's spilling details on Martha's time behind bars to the National Enquirer. [NE]
• Speed the Plow's backers say they've had Jeremy Piven tested for mercury poisoning by a second doctor, and may sue him if the results come back negative. [NYP]
• Nevan Donahue, Olivia Palermo's annoying cousin and a regular on The City, was busted for trying to pick up a prostitute in Palm Beach in 2007, and has a warrant out for his arrest. [P6]

Though Jeremy Piven's ungraceful, sushi-related exit from Speed-the-Plow has at least secured him future savings on his Matsuhisa tab, he may part with that extra cash if the play's backers have their (angry) say.

• Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick may seem really happy and content with life, but it's just a carefully-constructed façade that is now crumbling to pieces because Broderick can't stop himself from cheating. Or at least that's what the Star is claiming after it caught sight of SJP socializing with a real estate broker, something you wouldn't even think of doing unless you were planning to leave your husband and move out on your own, right? [Star]
• Peter Cook has filed charges against Christie Brinkley for refusing to hand over son Jack's passport so the two can go on a school trip to Egypt. [P6, OK!]
• Disgraced Lehman CEO Dick Fuld and his wife Kathy needed help using JetBlue's check-in kiosk in Palm Beach, poor things. [P6]
• Paris Hilton says she's not a slut because she's only had sex with "a couple of men," which, by that standard, means you're still a virgin. [The Sun]

Two things apparently distract Jeremy Piven, according to CNET TV host & CBS correspondent Natali Del Conte who was on Fox's Red Eye last night: her breasts and Gawker.

Last night, Jeremy Piven sent a very late text message to Sherri Shepherd—and for once, it didn't say "Come to my room - whoever responds first gets me for the night."

Aside from Fisher Stevens, everyone knows that Jeremy Piven's play-quitting sushi defense is bogus (but delicious!). However, E! is now alleging that Piven never actually quit—he was fired.

The holidays apparently sucked for romance, because many people are breaking up, including no-longer-engaged Jennifer Love Hewitt, fresh-minted divorcee Patricia Arquette and maybe perpetually platonic A-Rod.

Sherri Shepherd isn't the only one who's had a memorable run-in at 30,000 feet with Jeremy Piven. Commenter MontagueGoat wrote in with another, presumably pre-mercury-poisoned encounter:

Sherri Shepherd's got an entry for Hollywood PrivacyWatch! On a plane over the holidays, she realized that the "short," fedora-clad man she'd been bothering was none other than the famously mercury-addled Jeremy Piven.

An affliction as unusual as Jeremy Piven's sushi poisoning demands a treatment that's equally unorthodox. And so it is that Piven has begun a rigorous medical trial to find models he wants to (therapeutically) bang.

Dedication: Jeremy Piven may have met his girlfriend through a cattle call, but she's sticking by him during the "mercury" poisoning. Marc Jacobs' man isn't going anywhere either.

• Jeremy Piven's latest conquest? A 23-year-old model/bottle waitress at Mansion named Ashley Chontos, who was the first to respond to Piven's late-night text appeal ("Come to my room—whoever responds first gets me for the night") and who, you'll be happy to hear, is standing by her man, even though he's in Bangkok so he can "recover" from "mercury poisoning." [NYDN]
• Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are supposedly divorcing in a few weeks, or at least that's what the Daily News says. For the time being, though, they seem to be enjoying themselves in Puerto Rico. [E!]
• Mia Farrow's daughter's death may have been been AIDS-related. [NYP]
• Mariah Carey is supposedly in talks to make a Broadway musical about her life and hopes Leona Lewis, Vanessa Hudgens, or Eva Longoria will take on the lead role. [Telegraph]

Marie Claire just wanted to wish everyone a "sparkling, joyful and warm holiday," but the magazine's flack forgot to Bcc, exposing precious celebrity email addresses to 582 people. Christmas is ruined!

Though we understood why Jeremy Piven's ditched Speed-the-Plow co-stars reamed him onstage Sunday, we couldn't fathom what it was that had made Elisabeth Moss allegedly start "sobbing." Then, we saw the Piven-less box office: