♦ Samantha Ronson refused to DJ an event at Rubyfruit, allegedly because she doesn't spin at gay or lesbian bars. Her rep, of course, denies this. [P6]
♦ David Spade didn't turn up at Eric Trump's charity golf tournament in New Jersey last week because he thought it was taking place at Trump's LA course. [P6]
♦ An Atlantic City monsignor wants his name added to the list of Raffaello Follieri's victims. He says he gave the Italian playboy $110,000 because Raffaello said he needed the funds to pay some nuns. [NYDN]
♦ MTV has finally confirmed Whitney Port's Hills spinoff. It will begin airing in early 2009. [E!]
♦ How exciting! Mike Bloomberg will become an honorary citizen of Tbilisi, Georgia tomorrow night. [P6]

Know what's kinda funny? Just as the whole Republican convention has transpired with basically negative five mentions of George W. Bush because he is so grotesquely unpopular even among all weird hat people, the bleeding-hearts of the Media Elite are having a moment of premature nostalgia for his wife thanks mostly to Curtis Sittenfeld's epic new work of Laura Bush fan fiction American Wife. Because, as the novelized Laura says: "All I did is marry him. You are the ones who gave him power." And, "the single most astonishing fact of political life to me has been the gullibility of the American people…[What] caught me by surprise was the way the American people and the American media egged him on, how complicit they were in Charlie's cultivation of a war-president persona…Even in our cynical age, the percentage of the population who is told something and therefore believes it to be true - it's staggering." I know, right? I really want to believe the real Laura Bush would say the same thing. But would she?Some critics are calling this characterization of Laura a "liberal fantasy." But why do we cling to the fantasy even when Real First Lady Laura Bush totally hung out with Sarah Palin just the other day? Because she actually has very little in common with Sarah Palin, which is why we're all pondering working on our painkiller addictions right about now! The evidence. 1. Laura Bush is a librarian and Sarah Palin bans books.(Sort of in the way Jesus was a community organizer and Pontius Pilate was a governor!) Which brings me to the funniest thing about the story of how Sarah Palin, upon becoming mayor of Wasilla, called up the local librarian to inquire about banning books: the idea never went anywhere because she didn't seem to know what books she'd ban. Sarah Palin doesn't read! Duh. Neither, probably, does Cindy McCain. Laura Bush's favorite book is The Brothers Karamazov, a fact that I still find sort of mindblowing, but anyway, that is what makes this sort of shit so funny. 2. Laura Bush is pro-choice. When Cindy McCain found herself in that messy conundrum over whether Roe v. Wade ought to be overturned earlier this week, to whom did she turn for guidance? According to Katie Couric, Cindy's spokespeople said that she, like Laura Bush, did not want Roe overturned. Who knows why Laura Bush is pro-choice; maybe she read American Tragedy, maybe it's just because she killed someone herself and the law had gone easy on her; maybe she's just a rational person, but whatever the case, women like Laura Bush — not Northeastern Marxists like me or "I Choose Life For My Daughter And Everyone Else In America" Alaskan prophets like Sarah Palin— are ones who live in those crazy states that are always trying to add little "abortion banning" amendments to transportation bills and such, the ones who actually live in states where this stuff comes up on the ballot every November. And as such, women like Laura Bush are the only reason Roe has yet to go back before the Supreme Court. 3. Laura Bush raised Jenna Bush. Laura Bush's other vocation besides library science was being a mother, and even that Communist organ Us Weekly agrees that Jenna Bush turned out pretty good. Laura Bush raised a fun underage-drinking socially-conscious charter school teacher who spent months in the ghettos of that little country her granddaddy invaded learning about the tragic life of a teenage mom with AIDS for the purpose of writing a cautionary tale of what happens when you don't use condoms. Sarah Palin raised a fun underage-drinking cautionary tale of what happens when you don't use condoms. 4. Laura Bush is a walking living and in some ways tragic symbol of the emotional core of liberalism, which is to say, our bottomless capacity to forgive. She had a tragedy in her early life and for that reason alone most of us will forgive her unwillingness to try and make herself into some sort of internal dissident in the Cheney White House. She reads Russian lit, she knows how it goes for dissidents. She forgives her ignorant husband the way we all forgive our ignorant racist grandmas. She accepts his differences and we preach acceptance. She is from a Red State and married to a red meat Republican but she defies all the usual pithy pollster cartoonology; she has never had big hair even though she's from Texas, she has never been blonde even though that is a major rule for Republicans in DC; she has never seemed Stepfordy, she smokes cigarettes. And like with Laura, said sentimentality can lead us to be forgiving to a fault! Remember how we hated Clinton for his triangulation and his beholdenness to Wall Street and his generalized moral turpitude? Ha ha ha, yeah. Don't let's let this become the election that gets us all misty-eyed for the Bush years in a couple years time, Laura Bushes of the world! (God did you ever think that would even be a possibility? Christ.) OH AND BONUS EXTRA THING I FORGOT: She defended Michelle Obama against those ridiculous attacks on her patriotism that both Cindy and Sarah Palin have milked well into elementary school at this point. Thanks for pointing out, readers!

What excellent timing! The latest W investigates the predominance of Republicans on the DC social circuit and pronounces nightlife to be "more politically polarized than ever"! "Despite the social dominance of Republicans for nearly a decade, a liberal network also exists," the magazine assures. "Oddly, it's referred to as the 'hipster scene'-in D.C. the term is synonymous with non-Republicans, not artsy types in tight pants and Converse sneakers." But wait! That is because in DC the term "hipster" is actually somewhat illustrative of an individual's cultural tastes/intellectual leanings and propensity to drink in bars they can afford on a think tank analyst salary as opposed to a merely outfit thing! (Also people in DC don't know how to dress, duh.) But the larger point is: it is time to end this whole "Republicans and Democrats never drink together anymore like they used to!" meme.Because as much as it pains me to quibble with the sage sociological analysis of a parachuting correspondent from Aspiration Palace, they totally do, more than ever, especially in DC, where Republicans who read books have been forced to coexist with Republicans who think the periodic table was revealed to the apostles on stone tablets for the past eight years. In many cases, they are no longer Republicans on account of this. Like this once neocon, who now backs Obama. And Colin Powell, who is even pictured hanging out with these allegedly Obama-supporting hipsters! Jenna Bush, who was once legendarily purportedly kicked out of liberal establishment Stetson's simply for being Jenna Bush — well everyone knows she is voting for Obama and look whose crazy black Pastor just trashed John McCain in public. The point is this: like with the Olympics and the recession and the (actually falling!) gas prices, we are all in this together, and just for kicks here is Chronic Misser Of Olden Times/Prose Stylist Peggy Noonan:

• Jennifer Aniston and boyfriend John Mayer got into a hotel pool in Miami, and there were pictures, and everyone found this very exciting for some reason. The Sun went above and beyond, as usual, with shots of the two parts of the actress' body any experienced reader of the British tabloid would expect it to focus on. (Photo from X17)

President Bush's parents George and Barbara just want what's best for their WASPy descendants, particularly on the occasion of the wedding of their beloved, dignified granddaughter Jenna. That's why they don't want David Lauren, son of Ralph Lauren, to attend. See, David has been dating Jenna's cousin Lauren Bush for three whole years, and still hasn't proposed marriage. "Where's the ring, David?" one source near the family told the Daily News. Also, he's an ancient 36 and she's an innocent 22. And, no doubt worst of all for the patrician Bushes, David Lauren is a Jew, and his Jewy-ness might infect precious Lauren:

• Jenna Bush will get married this weekend at a ranch in Texas. Oscar de la Renta supplied the gown the presidential daughter will eventually be puking on. (UPDATE: AP may be wrong on bridesmaid count, see first comment.) [AP]

In case you missed their guest appearance on Today, Jenna and Laura Bush have collaborated with an illustrator on Read All About It!, the $17.99, 32-page tale of math machine and science whiz Tyrone, a reluctant reader until the books that his teacher read to the class actually came to life. All five-star reviews so far, with the exception of one Zebo Quad, who opines: "This book just proves that celebrities could vomit onto a blank page and publishers would publish it." It also suggests Steve Jobs was onto something when he dissed the Amazon Kindle e-book reader:

It's hard to know where to start with the new book plugged on Larry King Live tonight by authors Jenna Bush and her mom Laura, the first lady. First of all, it's for kids who hate reading. Very meta, but maybe not the best business model for publisher HarperCollins. Also, it's got a character named Tyrone, who is eight or nine. Tyrone is also white, possibly the first white kid to be named Tyrone, ever. Jenna said Tyrone is a "composite," which she explains to mean he is based on one particular student taught by her mom. One would have hoped Jenna learned the meaning of the word "composite" while serving as a co-teacher in a DC charter school, but after drinking her way around the world maybe the first daughter has found her brain doesn't work as well as it used to. Somewhere in America tonight, there's an embarrassed little boy named Tyrone, watching Larry King with his mother, and Googling around for a good intellectual property attorney. Clip of Laura and Jenna after the jump.

Before you watch the video, you should know that Jenna Bush says some nice things about bands that you might like. If you have any doubts about the legitimacy of your own taste, you should not watch this video.

In an article about Jenna Bush in Texas Monthly, the presidential daughter guesses what her parents are doing that particular "mild July evening." "[Dad is] riding his bike around the White House lawn. He's a maniac on that bike." Her mom is "probably in the sitting room on the second floor, reading. We got the new TEXAS MONTHLY, by the way." Reporter Skip Hollandsworth then spies on Jenna at a playground. "I sit in my car across the street, unseen, and watch her for a few minutes. She smiles at her kids as they run back and forth, then starts laughing at something one of them says to her. Finally I hear her shout, 'Come on, guys! Recess is over!'"

• Concert mishap-prone diva Beyonce Knowles accidentally flashed her tits to an audience. And this had her lookin' so crazy, etc. [Hollywoodtuna which, actually, just typing that makes us feel gross]
  

• Jack Nicholson has to continually drink water in order to swallow anything, because his salivary glands have stopped working. [Page Six]
  

So galleys of First Daughter Jenna Bush's debut, Ana's Story: a Journey of Hope are floating around town, and all over town, people are dropping them in shock. Seems the book is not only "sexually frank" ("Whether or not you choose to wait until you're married or older to become sexually active, give yourself as much time as you need to make a well-thought-out and mature decision"), it's also... well-written? Maybe way too well-written?

Jenna Bush made an appearance at the Javits Center BookExpo yesterday, pressing the flesh and fleshing the press in advance of her debut book, "Ana's Story: A Journey of Hope." According the Daily News, "Ana's Story" will be a work of non-fiction based on Jenna's experiences working for UNICEF, and the main storyline will follow a young Panamian girl with AIDS. The Post notes that the book will be written "in novel style." Dave Eggers, meanwhile, author of "What Is the What," appears in the "Summer Reading" rec-fest in this week's New York Times Book Review, spiritedly telling everyone to read John Prendergast and Don Cheadle's "Not on Our Watch," "a guide to effecting change—in East Africa or anywhere—through grass-roots vigor and vigilance." We're not saying, we're just saying. And having just said that, we sadly draw the curtains, temporarily or even permanently, on the great misguided and totally awesome Gawker Weekend experiment. It's because we got real jobs! Thank you for reading, everyone; go outside this summer!

• Jenna Bush decides to let the world know how to save the children. [USA Today]
  

• You can't keep a good graffiti artist down. [Razor Apple]
  

• Irish slutbunny Colin Farrell checks into rehab for "exhaustion" and an addiction to prescription painkillers. The pills were reportedly prescribed to him after he threw out his back, presumably from humping every chica in Miami. [Page Six]
• The fine fellow who claims to have Jenna Bush's ID after she left it in Chinatown inferno Happy Endings just happens to be a coke dealer. Bless this Bush twin for helping our local economy! [Radar]
• Are Brangelina shopping for a few architectual finds in Los Angeles? Reportedly they're looking at two homes for $10 million. [Lowdown (bottom of page)]
• But model Jenny Shimizu — who famously had a passionate tryst with Angelina Jolie — knows that not even Brad Pitt's architectural dilettantism can touch the depths of the ladies' sapphic love. [R&M]
• Madonna believes that if she were a man, she'd be president. She'd have to lose the faux-accent first, though. [Scoop]
• Proving their sense of humor to have no limits, Page Six refers to Star Jones's husband Al Reynolds as "manly." Manly like a big, thick beard. [Page Six]

• First twin Jenna Bush loses her wallet, complete with a shitload of cash, at Lower East Side hipster den Happy Endings. Apparently the innocent girl was merely fleeing someone's greasy advances. The poor thing just can't have a peaceful night hanging out by the venue's bathrooms, can she? [Page Six]
• Contrary to other reports (reprinted here, to boot), former HarperCollins PR director Paul Crichton did not leave under investigation for unauthorized spending. Like any good overlord, Judith Regan just prefers to smear him as such. [Lowdown (2nd item)]
• The assumedly faux TomKat wedding registry at Neiman Marcus just might be real. How painfully budget. [Scoop]
• Bungalow 8 gatekeeper Armin Ariri now has an acting career, presumably because some ugly producer just wanted to get past the velvet rope. [Page Six]
• Actress Heather Locklear and Bon Jovi guitarist Richie Sambora may be headed for divorce, perhaps because Locklear refuses to try for another child in lieu of reviving her career. As if there were any hope after LAX. [R&M]

Below is an excerpt from a piece First Twin Jenna Bush wrote for a class at the UTexas: "Once upon a time in the outskirts of Harlem lived a young woman named Chanderalla. Chanderalla was very beautiful. She had dark skin and hazel eyes and black long hair. But, it was the love that radiated through her that made her so extraordinary. Chanderalla had lived an unusually hard life. Her precious mother who had taught her to read and write died when she was only eleven. She and her father lived alone in their apartment for several years until her father told her he was looking for a new wife. He said, 'Chanderalla I loved your Mama. But a man gets lonely without a woman to love.'"
Chandarella of Harlem [TheFirstTwins.com]