Imagine that you are a journalist, tasked with crafting a true, powerful, and insightful piece of writing about a well known celebrity that can puncture their veil of false mystique. Here is how it’s done.
Seventeen years (?) ago today—on July 8, 1998—Jaden Christopher Syre Smith revealed his existence to us. In that short time, Jaden has bestowed a lifetime’s worth of wisdom to his devoted, and ever-growing, faction of true believers: prana energry, high level imagimathematics (a.k.a. “Patterns, boom!”), The Orgonite Society, and spirit science.
The following is an interview in which Jaden Smith—son of Will and Jada Pinkett Smith, brother of Willow—says that his goal in life is "to be the most craziest of all time." Everything he says previous to that statement will convince you that no human has ever conceived of a more achievable aspiration.
Teens. Always rolling their eyes and making magical pyramids out of fiberglass resin, crystals, and metal shavings in an effort to protect themselves from the negative energies emitted by cell towers. A tale as old as time (itself a construct invented by humans unable to comprehend the concept of eternity).
In the year which we now represent as a grayish blue leaf shape meaning combination of hunger and embarrassment (stylized in the Western calendar as "2 0 0 6"), a tool was bestowed upon the people of Earth that would allow them to receive the one True and Perfect Holy Book, line by line, one transmission at a time. That tool was called "twɪt-UR." That book was called "The Book of Jaden."
Taylor Swift's "shut the fuck up"—memorialized here in GIF form—was directed at her ex-boyfriend, One Direction's Harry Styles, who was at that moment on stage. But it's a pretty good review of the entire VMA experience:
Here's a series of clips of Jaden Smith babbling about the realism of sci-fi (aliens are making it realer, and The Matrix and Star Trek are so close to how reality could be, FYI). He also compares acting after growing up in the Pinkett-Smith household to speaking French after growing up in France. That seems like science, too.
The tagline of the new Will/Jaden Smith movie, After Earth, is: “Danger is real. Fear is a choice.” The movie, which was directed by the inexplicably still-working hack M. Night Shyamalan and based on a story devised by the elder Smith, hinges on the ability of its young protagonist Kitai (Jaden) to rid himself of fear so that he can defeat a giant, blind monster mole that hunts humans by detecting their anxiety.
While promoting their upcoming blockbuster After Earth, Will Smith and Will Smith: Nano (Jaden Smith) gave a very bonkers interview to New York magazine in which they espoused wondrous theories of high level imagimathematics previously published only on the wrinkled insides of fast food takeout bags in a frantic, crayoned hand. “I think that there is that special equation for everything, but I don’t think our mathematics have evolved enough for us to even—I think there’s, like, a whole new mathematics that we’d have to learn to get that equation,” said Jaden. “I agree with that,” agreed Will with that.
Children: scaled-down versions of adults with shriller voices and less expensive jewelry. Their bodies are going through a lot of strange changes and they're starting to feel all different types of ways about friends..and enemies. Sometimes the boys trip over their too-big feet and land square in the arms of a girl who is a little bit taller than them (but won't be for long). When this happens, a love connection is made.
They're just doing too much, and they're doing it in a weird way. Also today: Johnny Depp takes another dose of whimsy, some shows get some actors, and a look at this year's Sundance crop.
Oprah consoled depression with the biggest mac 'n' cheese binge in history. Kelsey Grammer likes to wear women's panties. Johnny Weir realized he was gay while watching Pretty Woman. Keira Knightley is single. Thursday gossip eats its emotions.
The pre-July 4th weekend brought two soaring successes and a few miserable failures, adding more drama to this rollercoaster summer movie season. Let's take a look at the week before America's birthday.
