Pouty fathead Donald Trump is a tailor-made character for the New York Observer, which purports to monitor Manhattan's smug oligarchy with a gimlet-eyed detachment. And his semi-coherent presidential grumblings, which count as news just about everywhere else, make ideal grist for the Observer's mill. Too bad he's the owner's father-in-law.

Judge Judy is hospitalized after a bizarre on-camera ramble. Vanilla Ice becomes a mime. Lindsay Lohan looks for an apartment in New York. Thursday gossip is in recovery.

This just in from Twitter: Ivanka Trump and Observer owner Jared Kushner "couldn't be more excited" to be expecting their first child. Remember: male-pattern baldness is linked to the maternal genome. Pray for a girl, Ivanka.

On last night's episode we saw the terrible lemur's return of one Jennifree Q. Humphrey, Brooklyn's most hated daughter, the Sephora eyeliner department's most loyal customer, and our favorite character. And by "favorite" we mean "make her go away."

Tonight's Gossip Girl was full of cameos from the likes of Ivanka Trump and Isaac Mizrahi. However, the biggest cameo came from sartorial sage Tim Gunn stopping by for Jenny Humphrey's Parsons admission interview.

Mogul spawn Ivanka Trump has signed a deal to start a Trump handbag line. You can now wear Trump shoes and Trump jewelry while trumping from Trump World Tower to the Trump National Golf Club for a Trump steak. TRUMP!

Ivanka Trump towers over her handlers on "the set of "Departures"," which could either be a reference to American Express' magazine for the ultra-wealthy or some secret movie we've never heard of. (Alternate interpretations welcome, naturally.) Images via Bauer-Griffin.

This is how synergy works, folks. If you buy something from Ivanka Trump Fine Jewelry, you get a free subscription to the Trump New York Observer, the newspaper owned by Trump's husband Jared Kushner. No baubles just for subscribing, though.

Ayla Brown, the American Idol-singing daughter of Massachusetts Sen. Scott Brown, just landed a job as a CBS Early Show contributor. Old nepotism: Inheriting your parent's political seat. New nepotism: Parlaying it into a media career.

"Why does Heidi Montag get all the grief when Ivanka Trump looks like she's gotten just as much facial reconstruction? She looks like a gerbil with big boobs and a weave." — Good Girl Gone Bad [Photo via Getty]

Today we took a look at horrible stupid Ivanka Trump and her horrible stupid opinions, and y'all were mad! One commenter contained his/her rage, though, and thoughtfully laid out why she is, in fact, horrible and stupid.

Real-life princess Ivanka Trump is scared for her children because of Barack Obama. "At the end of the day," she tells Tucker Carlson, "the American people want to hear about jobs." On The Celebrity Apprentice! Sundays at 9/8 Central!

Here's a funny/sad profile of Melania Trump, the Donald's third wife who is launching a QVC costume jewelry line. While her step-daughter Ivanka has a high-end luxury jewelry line, Melania's designs are decidedly downmarket. They're for the people, y'know. [NYT]

[Donald Trump, Eric Trump, Ivanka Trump, and Donald Trump Jr. use Trump scissors to cut the Trump ribbon unveiling the monstrous Trump SoHo on Trump Street in Trump York today. Trump! Image via Getty]

Was it Sandy or was it Jesse? Or were they just getting rid of a couch? Maybe it's because Jesse got a mistress pregnant. Peaches Geldof goes "glassy-eyed," Ivanka's stalker used to stalk Tucker Max. Saturday gossip is moving on.

The walking tragedy that is LiLo takes a turn for the cringe-worthy. Charlie Sheen wants to quit his TV show. Michael Douglas laments his wilting libido. Tiger's kindergarten teacher has Gloria Allred on retainer and "feelings" to "express." TGIFriday gossip.

A 27-year-old Reno native named Justin Massler was arrested yesterday for stalking Ivanka Trump. News reports have described Massler as an obsessed fan with "a crush" on the socialite/heiress. His vicious tweets and violent comics suggest otherwise.

Justin Massler of Reno, Nevada has been arrested for "stalking" Ivanka Trump, online. That's the same Justin Massler who threatened to kill himself after we wrote about his objectively crazy horse-themed letter to the NY Observer. Get well soon, Justin.

• The messiest TV feud in years may be nearing its end. Conan O'Brien and NBC are said to be close to signing a deal that would allow Conan to walk away from The Tonight Show with $32.5 million in hand. He wouldn't be able to host a show on another network until September under terms of the agreement. And it remains unclear if he'll be able to take some of the memorable characters he created with him, like Triumph the Insult Comic Dog or the Masturbating Bear. [TMZ]
• Has Jennifer Aniston finally found love? Probably not, but she's reportedly hooking up with Gerard Butler again. After taking pictures together on the red carpet at the Golden Globes, Aniston and Butler were supposedly seen "making out" backstage and were "attached at the hip all night." [P6]
• Madonna may be looking to add to her collection of kids. According to a Brit tabloid, the 51-year-old singer wants to have a baby with her Brazilian boytoy Jesus Luz since she has "endless love in her heart for another child." [Sun]
• Tiger Woods may be staying at Pine Grove, a sex rehab facility in Mississippi, if you happen to be looking for him, or you just need the name of a place that will treat your own compulsion to sleep with hookers and waitresses. [Us]