[Britney Spears, 32, began her two-year residency at the Planet Hollywood Resort and Casino in Las Vegas Friday night. While some attendees loved the show featuring a "frequently airborne Spears," others complained Spears hadn't "donned the sexy school girl outfit or the skintight orange jumpsuit she wore in sexier days." Image via AP]

It's Britney, bitch, and she's saving sailors across the world. Because as it turns out, the latest and most effective method of deterring Somali pirates is blasting Britney Spears at them.

Ah, the sweet smell of desperation. Unlike the smell of success, it tends to accompany fallen pop stars, singers who’ve failed to “make it” in the showbiz, and more than a few ladies with a laundry list of divorces and annulments under their garter belts. Currently reeking of it are Madonna and Britney Spears who, as we noted yesterday, are planning a musical (well, under their definition of “musical”) collaboration that promises to top any and all racy stunts either has pulled in their respective never-a-dull-moment careers. And now Us reports that, beyond bondage scenes and nudity nobody wants to see anymore, Britney has filmed a video clip for the performance that sounds like Attack Of The Killer Umbrella-Bearing Baldie 2: This Time, With Hair! Yes, we’ll soon see an enormous Spears at her “screaming,” “kicking,” “anxious” best, giving a whole new meaning to elevator music:

OMG! OMG! Britney Spears is going to open the VMAs! And MTV has reportedly hired Criss Angel to create the mind-freaking illusion that she's on stage dancing and lip-syncing to new single "Gimme More," instead of sitting in her dressing room, drinking vodka tonics and trying to feed her babies Twinkies dipped in Gerber strained peas. [Extra]