For all you crybabies who complained that we quoted him out of context mwah mwah mwah, here's the long version of the short version of the wit and wisdom of John C. Dvorak. The guy impresses me, to be honest. He's made a career of pretending to have idiotic, badly-written contrarian opinions. He drives irony-challenged tech workers berserk. Their angry clicks turn Johnny the C's publishers a tidy profit. And like skunk-chasing dogs, the geekboys come back for more. After the jump, a Dvorak twofer: He tees off Apple and Google kooks in one post. Which I've edited, so you can get back to work.

OK, OK, maybe that's not exactly how thing went down — but I'm going to pretend it did. Earlier this week I wrote about how Apple will be bigger than Google because of the innovative money-making platform that is the iPhone. But it's not just the business model that has Wall Street analysts excited — it's Apple's innovative accounting (and I don't mean stock-options backdating).

We believe that Android will give many phone makers their first access to software with full web browsing functionality, which the iPhone already offers ... Simply put, in our opinion, Apple is confident that its iPhone operating system is a compelling one, and developers will want to build applications for the iPhone ... [I]f the platform successfully proliferates to many devices and form factors, we do not believe Google will develop a mobile phone (hardware) product ... If the platform does not successfully proliferate, then Google may be forced to release a handset that exemplifies and displays the power of Android.

Time has named Apple's iPhone its invention of the year. The iPhone is a big deal, but not for any of the reasons Time cites. The nonrelease of the Googlephone just highlights what Apple gets about consumers, and what Google doesn't. Apple knows how to design not just gadgets, but the businesses that go around them. And as a result, I wouldn't be surprised if Apple is worth more than Google within two years.

A speedy operating system and long-lasting batteries top the reasons BlackBerry business users are more satisfied than working stiffs who lug Treo, Samsung and other smartphone brands. You say you and your iPhone weren't included in this J.D. Power survey of real businesspeople? Exactly.

Remember Hakia? It's the here-today, likely-gone-tomorrow search engine which allows users to meet other users searching for the same topic. A frightening feature, to be sure. But it'd be worse if Hakia members actually had to meet each other in person. Starting with the obvious, here is a list of queries whose searchers you don't want to meet. (Or maybe you do. Pervert.)

Sorry, fanboys. Apple wants to shut down the secondary market for iPhones, so it has restored its launch-day limit on sales to two per person. Apple is also no longer accepting cash. No, you can't just change into your Star Trek uniform and come back 15 minutes later. [BusinessWeek]

"CUPERTINO - Apple announced today that it would no longer be accepting purchase requests for the iPhone. 'We feel the iPhone is too good for regular humans,' says the Apple spokesperson. 'To protect our brand image, we have decided to stop selling our product altogether to maintain a level of exclusivity unattainable by any other product currently on the market.' The spokesperson also announced they would continue advertising in order to maintain the feel of unattainability." — Commenter paul34, on Apple's new refusal to accept gift cards for iPhone purchases. [Engadget]

Martin Varsavsky, founder of the Spanish Wi-Fi sharing company Fon, has made a video of his impressions of meeting with Apple CEO Steve Jobs. But who cares? You've heard it all before. The Apple campus is at One Infinite Loop. The decor is monochromatic. Jobs asks lots of questions, is "not the nicest guy," and wants you to know how wonderful Apple products are. What is interesting, however, is how this hapless wantrepreneur even got a meeting with Jobs in the first place.

David Ulmer is the senior director of entertainment products at Motorola. Which must be a hard job, now that the cell-phone maker no longer makes phones that are entertaining. At the CTIA Wireless trade show, he bitched about Apple's iPhone: "We've yet to see Apple's SDK [software developers' kit], and I'm sure there will be some level of [Apple] control that goes along with it. I guarantee you that you will not see a Napster music service on the iPhone." That's what we call a feature, David. Bitches just jealous. [The Register]

Piper Jaffray analyst Gene Munster estimates that AT&T pays Apple $18 a month per iPhone. And, after some quick math to figure in research firm iSuppli's July estimate that it costs $265 to build each device, which retails for $399, others are now estimating Apple profits $565 per iPhone over two years. No wonder Jobs felt so comfortable shafting the early adopters who paid $599 for their phones.

Facebook cofounder Dustin Moskovitz took some time to rehearse his Wednesday morning keynote at the CTIA Wireless conference at San Francisco's Moscone Center. No surprises are likely: Moskovitz's presentation, of which you're getting a sneak preview, will talk up Facebook's "unprecedented growth." Executives and board members are tiresomely fond of citing the stat that the social network's user base continues to grow a steady 3 percent a week. Expect, too, some figures on usage of the Facebook's iPhone-optimized wireless site. We're just curious what percentage of U.S. text-message traffic is carrying "pokes." (Photo by Brandee Barker)

AT&T reported 42 percent year-over-year revenue growth after completing its BellSouth merger. The company said it added 2 million subscribers since the iPhone launch. Says Fake Steve Jobs, the faux leader of AT&T partner Apple: "Enough! Dear Leader appreciates your love and affection." [NYT]

Apple's third quarter was a blowout all around, but the real question is how the iPhone is faring. Now that we've got a quarter's worth of data, we can compare it to the competition, and gauge the effect of blogosphere scandals like the recent episode of iPhones "bricking" after a software update — sure, tech pundits got worked up, but did people stop buying iPhones? The bottom line: Steve Jobs & Co. entered a daunting market and performed quite well.

In today's earnings call, Apple estimated that around 250,000 out of 1.4 million iPhones — 17 percent — were purchased with intent to be unlocked. No details were given about how the company came to this conclusion, but we surmise it was the number of iPhones sold minus the number of iPhones activated with AT&T. [MacRumors]

Apple's net income in the most recent quarter was up 67 percent year-over-year to $1.01 per share or $904 million as revenue rose to $6.22 billion. Wall Street's average estimate was 86 cents per share on $6.07 billion. Shows you what analysts know. The company sold 1.1 million iPhones, more than 10 million iPods and 2.16 million Macs. [AP]

"People don't understand that we've invented a new class of interface." — The non-fake Steve Jobs, annoyed because customers fail to realize Apple's iPhones don't require them to choose an action verb after selecting an object. [NYT]

Finnish handheld-computer designer social-network operator cell-phone company Nokia reports that its market share rose to almost 40 percent in the third quarter as international markets bought tons of cheap phones. Whatever. The iPhone has a 100 percent market share in my pants. [IHT]

"YouTube on iPhones was down for three days. Nobody noticed." Phonecasting.com founder Michael Sharp at the Web 2.0 Summit, on why he's sticking to audio for now.

WEB 2.0 SUMMIT — Does Nokia wish it were Facebook? Or Apple? Anssi Vanjoki, an executive at the Finnish phonemaker, can't seem to make up his mind. Nokia's introducing Ovi, a "context-sensitive" social network. Oh, and the N810, with which Nokia hopes to horn in on the iPhone's computer-in-your-pocket market. This is, surely, the ultimate bitches-just-jealous corporate strategy. We can only think that Motorola CEO Ed Zander is delighted to hear his rival's getting out of the phone business.