It may come as a surprise, as we pummel hot dogs to the dome on this hallowed day, that other countries also celebrate the Fourth of July—but on different days of the year. Quelle surprise.

After nearly a year spent inside, Bryan Lindsay has now come home, back to his mother's place in Delmont, Pa. It's the house he grew up in. As of today—Independence Day—Bryan has been free from incarceration for just shy of two weeks. He's still attending group counseling on a regular basis, but he's no longer in the halfway house that comes after prison and mandated rehab. The only obstacle in the way of his freedom is himself now.

Look at this spectacular video of fireworks, sparklers, and contained explosives in all their slow-motion, fiery, explosive glory. Although, I harbor a seasonal pet peeve about setting off fireworks and sparklers during the daytime, this is really fantastic looking.

Independence Day is the worst of America's joyless national celebrations, the day when everyone will predictably act like a buffoon and nobody has the decency to Opt Out. From Park Slope to Silver Lake, from Phoenix to Saint Paul, the whole nation of grudge-laden bores will wrap themselves in the old Red, White and Blue in another futile attempt to out-patriot their enemies.

According to reports on multiple conservative websites, a recommendation by Home & Garden Television to use the Star-Spangled Banner as a tablecloth has sparked outrage among viewers, with many taking to the channel's Facebook page to denounce the suggestion as "un-American."

Today, competitive eaters and heartburn enthusiasts competed in Nathan's Famous International Hot Dog-Eating Contest, a tradition that has been going strong since 1916.

It's Independence Day, and it's time to start barbecuing. But you're a miserable failure, and you've already gotten wasted. How will you grill? Don't worry. Chill out. We've got you covered.

Independence Day is upon us, which means it's time to watch politicians stumble through the USA PHOTO OP. Mitt Romney will sing unknown verses of "America the Beautiful" with an Ashcroftian solemnity, while Barack Obama—as befits the office—will force two turkeys to have sex so they can sire the ceremonial turkey he will pardon on Thanksgiving. Unless that turkey is Alaskan, in which case it will be shredded for Patriotacos.

Malia Obama turns 14 this Wednesday, and Barack Obama has declared a United States federal holiday to celebrate the occasion.

Independence Day is almost upon us, and what better way to show America you love her than by learning how to properly grill a hot dog.

Tonight, the 35th annual Macy's Fourth of July fireworks display lit up New York City as 40,000 shells were fired off from half a dozen barges in the Hudson River. NBC aired the show live for those not in Manhattan. But because nobody watches NBC, here's video of the grand finale for your visual pleasure.

Happy Independence Day, America! And what better way to celebrate President Whitmore's famous speech than with fireworks? But please, be safe! We've collected some important fireworks safety tips here. Print out several copies and bring them to your barbecue! It's a great way to make friends.

The America-hating buzzkills at the NYPD confiscated some 5,000 pounds of fireworks this year (everything "from sparklers to professional pyrotechnics"), leaving many New Yorkers without even the chance to injure themselves or set their apartments on fire. But at least the department had the decency to film the destruction, which took place yesterday in the Bronx. Next year, guys, maybe you can spring for HD? [NYT]

[Tuesday was Brazil's Independence Day! Happy Independence Day, Brazil! This guy—a supporter of Workers Party candidate Dilma Rousseff—brought a sign to the parade. It says: "Lula and the people vote for Dilma for the nation." Pic via AP.]

[India-hating Time "satirist" Joel Stein might not like this, but Sunday was India's Independence Day! Happy Independence Day, India! These are some schoolchildren performing for the celebration in Bangalore. Pic via AP.]

Massachusetts tween sex god Sen. Scott Brown has started an essay contest about Independence Day! Brown will pick up the winner in his truck, head to a baseball game, and then, well... use your imagination, eh? Also: Brown wants $50.

Because it's our patriotic duty, we won't be publishing on Saturday. However, Foster will be around tomorrow and Sunday. Also, we're making some changes to comments next week: stars are about to become much more powerful, rare. More on Monday.

Last Sunday, while walking down St. Mark's towards the Holiday Lounge (their awesome old bartender clearly hates all customers and sort of flings your drink from five feet away), I saw this website's favorite scruffy musician/experimental blogger, Ryan Adams-who we've been teasing ever since he sent us a poem intended for his ex-girlfriend Jessica Joffe. So I said hello! We went to have tea and proceeded to talk about heartbreak and believing in love, because, seriously.