Assume the position of enthusiastic worship, New Yorkers—we have a new Subway Hero! An unidentified one, at that. Does he live up the heroism of the original subway hero, and the actor subway hero? Yes he does, very heroic!

America's greatest controversy right this minute: Why is Michael Jordan wearing a Hitler mustache in Hanes ads? Is it because Hanes is crap, and Michael Jordan is an asshole? Makes sense, if you think about it. Carry on. [Adfreak]

Thursday at midnight. Colbert is over, and there's a larger than usual void in your life. Keep it on Comedy Central and hang out here for a Sarah Silverman Program/Important Things with Demetri Martin Live Blog.

Tonight The Sarah Silverman Program and Important Things with Demetri Martin are being pushed back until midnight EST. With anticipation like that, how could we not run a liveblog? Tune in and join us!

The Office's Ellie Kemper starred in a bit on last night's Important Things about what really happens when girls go to the bathroom together. Hint: it's not as hot as you'd think—unless you're turned on by background checks.

Last night's Important Thing was Money. Here, Demetri explains how what term a person calls their money can tell us how much cash they actually have. For example, if you call your money "dough," you're probably broke and a douchebag.

Last night's Important Things was all about strategy Watch H. Jon Benjamin (the voice of TV's Archer) as Watson and Demetri as the duo plays "Clue" with some Victorian-era hoes and try their best to get laid.

Isn't it time for you to devote some thought to America's single least important issue? Yes, the "Should college bathrooms be co-ed?" debate is still boiling, and we will now force you to consider this thoroughly ridiculous question. Consider it!

Yesterday we offered you 15 exquisite choices in our quest to find who, pray tell, is the douchiest douchebag of the past decade. Today: Some are removed; one is honorarily honored; a Kade-style addition; and crucial second-round voting. Yes, crucial!

Chicken wings are cheap, tasty, and more popular than ever. How popular? They're the most expensive part of the bird, these days. The real victim here: The once-beloved breast.

A shaken nation will be holding its head just a bit higher tonight, knowing that the FCC has said it wants to "further investigate" the 2004 Janet Jackson Super Bowl boob-flash incident that still scars America to this day.

Jill Abramson is technically the managing editor of the New York Times for "news," but in response to this wild modern media age, she has been transferred to the "puppies are cute" beat, full time.

This bitter war over a fee(!) to post on the Park Slope Parents listserv is perfectly in character. Park Slope is where New York's most annoying parents sequester themselves in a twee, self-important doombubble.

Did you celebrate National Pie Day yesterday? I did.

Yesterday we asked for new and improved racial slurs for 'white people,' and we got more than 350 comments in response. We've narrowed the list down to the top ten. We want a real, usable slur, so we've focused on pithy, easy-to-shout ideas. Now we're turning it over to you, our racist readers. Please keep in mind the gravity of your task; the very racial equality of our nation depends on the equality of its slurs. After the jump, vote for your choice in our poll. Choose well!

Because it's a lazy Friday before a long weekend, it's time to talk a bit about sports. But this is important! The Knicks, to everyone's chagrin, drew only the sixth pick in the upcoming NBA draft. Had they landed the first pick, they would have been assured of getting Derrick Rose, the best player in the nation and a great point guard, which is what the team needs. Now, draft projections say they may end up picking OJ Mayo, the USC guard and former high school phenom. Who could also be good! Why is this important? Now that supervillain Isaiah Thomas has been fired as Knicks coach, the city needs to heal again. This draft will set the tone for the team's resurrection. Even if you don't like sports, you must wish fervently for a strong Knicks squad, for the sake of NYC's honor—we cannot afford for our city to be trashed by middle American teams. It's bad for everyone here, and everyone who runs America is here, so it's bad for America. Below, a highlight video of Derrick Rose (maybe they can trade up for him!) and one of OJ May (did you know he had such a sweet jumpshot? I didn't.). THIS IS IMPORTANT.