He knew it was risky business, but a 14-year-old from Prospect Heights, Illinois, decided to take advantage of his parents' absence by hiring a prostitute over the Internet.
The Illinois Times reports that a Springfield pastor has taken a leave of absence after making a polite but oh-dear-so-nervous-sounding call to local police, seeking help after he mysteriously managed to get himself stuck inside a pair of handcuffs.
The future of gay couples' right to marry in Illinois could very well, as god intended, rely on the automobile industry. Illinois Senators have attached the legalization of gay marriage as an amendment to House Bill 4963, which itself amends the state's Collateral Recovery Act. Feasibly, a bill which seeks to "define 'automobile rental company'" could also end up defining marriage in the nation's fifth largest state.
A nanny in Northbrook, an affluent Chicago suburb, was arrested last week after she stole $600 from the wallets of the kids she was watching. According to a police report, the children's father confronted Alexandra Donohue, 22, after noticing the money was missing. She initially denied taking the money, but later admitted to police that she had — the one flaw in an otherwise flawless defense.
First-term Illinois Sen. Mark Kirk suffered a stroke this weekend and is now recovering from surgery. He had driven himself to the hospital "where doctors discovered a carotid artery dissection in the right side of his neck," according to his office. A neurosurgeon at the hospital says the stroke was on the right side of his brain, which "will affect his ability to move his left arm and possibly his left leg" and could result in "some facial paralysis." But it shouldn't affect his ability to speak or think.
If you were advertising a legal secretary position on Craiglist, would you post it in the Jobs section under "Legal/Paralegal," or in the Gigs section under "Adult"? If you're Illinois lawyer Samir Zia Chowhan you'd choose Option Two, because you'd expect your secretary to be "adult"—with you! On the clock and on the desk, never sleep, never rest.
In May, Northwestern University cancelled "Fucksaw 101," officially known as "Human Sexuality," over its infamous live demonstration of a woman being fucked. Or sawed. Or whatever. But now, deviancy once again haunts the sex-crazed Northwestern campus, as this recent campus-wide email, sent to us by several tipsters, proves:
After allegedly smacking his girlfriend upside the head with his guitar, dedicated axeman Edwin Summers offered this explanation: "When a woman messes with my guitar, she messes with my world." Did somebody celebrate Nigel Tufnel Day a bit too strenuously? Because that shit sounds straight out of This Is Spinal Tap.
Paul Parisi, a prisoner at Stateville Correctional Center in Illinois, suffers from fibroneuroma—a disease that causes benign tumors to form on his nerve cells. When Parisi's illness started causing him severe pains, he asked his (taxpayer-subsidized) prison doctors to treat him. So they gave him some (free) aspirin and ibuprofen, the end.
In an incident similar to the Great Roommate Buttering Caper of May 2011 in terms of messiness, domestic disruption, and—perhaps most remarkably—the involvement of a woman named Dawn, a Chicago wife has been arrested for hurling cupcakes at her husband during an argument. How sweet it isn't! ("It" being a difficult-sounding marriage.)
