You know why people all around the world love America so much? They envy us because we don't give a shit. We don't care about their religions, their culture, their food, or their stupid 500-year-old fountains. USA! USA!

Yesterday, Republican Arizona Senate candidate J.D. Hayworth said that allowing gay marriage would mean that "I guess you could marry your horse." Tonight he was on Maddow and acted like a man who would say this.

You know, the email that says 'classmates are trying to connect with you, now sign up for stuff'. Anyway, some guy got one, signed up, paid a fee like a moron then instigated a class action lawsuit when he realized.

Someday you are going to find that your monster children have learned a completely different and fantastical version of American history than you did. Thanks to Texas!

A third NYPD officer has been arrested for his role in last month's heist of a New Jersey perfume factory. Or, as we prefer to call it, "The Worst Fucking Heist Ever." Don't rogue cops even watch movies?

We've taken note before of the confusion among the White House press corps as to whether Barack Obama is a attention-hungry celebrity or a publicity-shy recluse. Fat charlatan Roger Ailes just solved the puzzle for us: "He's underexposed and overexposed."

Are college kids in San Diego particularly racist, or just, perhaps, particularly dumb? Monday, a "KKK-style hood" was found "atop a Dr. Seuss statue" on campus, naturally. Allow us to briefly recap sunny UCSD's recent reign of racial hullabaloo:

In today's Daily Beast, a former Hillary Clinton supporter who jumped ship when the Democrats nominated Barack Obama says she was right, and the Obama presidency is a failure. We speak, of course, of Lady Lynn Forester de Rothschild.

Majority Leader John Boehner's spokesman says Barack Obama's latest 11-page healthcare proposal is "shorter than a comic book," which is bad. Needs more pages! But not as many as the House bill, which Boehner called "1,990 pages of bureaucracy."

Both sides of the climate change 'debate' have decided that the snowstorm proves their case. 'Morons' argue that because it is cold, global warming is a myth. 'Scientists' counter that climate change means more extreme weather, not just warming. [NYT]

Maureen Dowd's column yesterday was a predictably amusing interview with would-be Senator Harold Ford. The funniest line was his bizarre assertion that Eleanor Roosevelt opposed Bobby Kennedy's Senate run from beyond the grave.

Last month, the Westboro Baptist Church—aka the "God Hates Fags" crazies—released a statement condemning Lady Gaga and her "whore's forehead." On January 5th, Ryan Tate posted audio of the church's Poker Face parody. Now, there's a music video.

Ben Stein: is he still an idiot and a hack? Yes, Felix Salmon reports.

So who are the four geniuses who got arrested by the FBI yesterday for—apparently—trying to tap the phone of a sitting U.S. senator?

After stealing a car, some guy got busted playing Grand Theft Auto, with the stolen car sitting in his driveway. This is like that time Andre Balazs built The Standard after too many bad games of First Person Tetris. [cNet]

Many years ago, NBC decided that the guy who came up with the idea of doing concerts on The Today Show would make a great network head. Now they are in last place. Except in jokes, where they are first.

Jesus. A panicked teabagger called up C-SPAN in tears today, worried that he accidentally killed Republican Sen. Jim Inhofe by praying for Democratic Sen. Robert Byrd to die. This is one of the saddest things ever to appear on C-SPAN.

Joe Lieberman may or may not be stupid. But for threatening to filibuster the Senate health care bill he is most certainly a hypocrite. Tonight, Rachel Maddow showed that Lieberman railed against filibuster-ing—before he wanted to do it.

Obama is collaborating with Tiger Woods' Muslim followers to screw America, for the homosexual movement. The only way to stop the outrage: Outrageous right wing wingnuttery. Today's contestants: Kevin McCullough and Charles Lane.

Oh, good, Jonah Goldberg just got a million dollars to write another book. Hooray for the publishing industry!