Who says only dirty hippies show up to the Occupy Everywhere protests? Why, down in Houston, they had a guy dressed in "business casual"! Of course, he was firing a rifle into the air, and was shot in the ankle by police officers. But, c'mon: it's Texas.

A pair of Houston police officers are being investigated for eating from a tray of pot brownies they confiscated from a teenage stoner, then chatting about getting "so HIGH...good munchies" on their in-car computer. KTRK reports:

On September 11, a Muslim man going by the name "Tarek G." on Yelp ordered a burger from the Houston restaurant Petrol Station and received it in a "Happy September 11" box complete with an airplane crashing into one of the Twin Towers. Now that's personalized customer service.

It's been a horrible year for wildfires in Texas—six of the state's ten largest recorded wildfires have come in the last eight months, and nearly 3.5 million acres have burned so far. Right now, a large fire in Bastrop State Park—near Austin—rages completely out of control, and another in Montgomery County has forced 4,000 to evacuate, destroyed 80 homes, and likely caused the cancellation of a Renaissance Fair. Here are some breathtaking photos of the fires, and the damage they've caused—including a video taken from the International Space Station.

For pocketbook reasons, we didn't get to travel to Houston this weekend for Rick Perry's The Response: A Call to Prayer for a Nation in Crisis, starring JobJesus and other celebrities of American evangelicopolitics. Luckily some photographers were on the scene to show us what we missed.

Are you a goal-oriented person who, for career focus-related reasons, has recently placed your newborn in the care of a near-stranger? If so, you should probably prepare some answers for when the police come asking about your baby's whereabouts.

Having successfully quelled the burning bushes of Texas by praying for rain, Preacher-in-Chief Rick Perry invites Christians to pray for solutions to all of America's problems in a new ad for modern day tent revival called The Response. Church and state: Awfully close together in Texas.

Brad Woodard from Houston's KHOU went to cover the fire at an oil storage tank, but the smoke seen billowing on camera wasn't just from the fire, it was coming from Woodard's mouth as well. When the camera cut to him, he was still smoking a cigarette.

The Houston Chronicle talked to a cartel trafficker this weekend, "in an interview arranged by intermediaries on the condition neither his name nor the location of his Texas visit be published." Anonymous Trafficker has either witnessed the most sadistic crimes imaginable, or is totally fucking with us:

Maybe-presidential candidate Rick Perry doesn't just have a spirit animal—he is a spirit animal. That's why he's hosting a "solemn gathering of prayer and fasting" for America's governors in August. Inspirational video inside!

Preschool America has truly gone to seed. Just days after a spate of drunken toddler sightings, a six-year-old Houston boy brought a loaded gun to his school cafeteria. It gets worse: The gun discharged when he dropped it, injuring himself and two other students.

Is this the first casualty of high-definition widescreen? Houston news anchor Owen Conflenti flipped off his coworkers mid-broadcast, but failed to anticipate his studio's new widescreen cameras. His off-screen obscenity was broadcast to everyone in Houston with an HD-TV.

There are so many rules to follow when you're selling a house! Like, don't leave sex toys lying around the bathroom when you take photos for the online listing—the way this realtor did. (Photo is semi-NSFW!)

Douglas Britt (pictured) is the "Society/ visual arts writer" at the Houston Chronicle. And he's extremely busy! So he sent out the following 15-point email to "every gallerist/cultural group in Houston," our tipster says. Print out a copy, and memorize!

Click to viewHouston's Sheyla Hershey broke the world record with her size 38KKK breasts. The Brazillian "model" has had 30 breast augmentations, and the most recent one might be the one that kills her or causes her to lose her prized possessions.

The New York Times has another boring article today about the economic impact of the oil spill. But TMZ has its priorities straight: Why was BP CEO Tony Hayward chilling with a hot woman who wasn't his wife in Texas?

Political writers across the mid-Atlantic watched LeBron James' incredibly shameless decision last night, searching for a "political angle." Hats off to the Atlantic's Josh Green, who wrote a savvy thing called, "How LeBron's Move Helps the Tea Party." Snappy! (Huh?)

When the video of Houston teacher Sheri Lynn Davis punching her student became public earlier this week, she was fired. Now the boy's parents have filed a lawsuit against both Davis and the school. Look who's feeling the pain now.

Houston charter school teacher Sheri Lynn Davis is under investigation after this crazy video of her beating a student surfaced this week. The investigation will find that she is crazily insane. And that charter schools are the future! Video below.

Houston became the largest American city to elect an openly gay mayor on Saturday night, but don't get too excited: No one was really paying attention, and it's not like they're going to let them start getting married or anything.