The House has rejected, on procedural grounds, a resolution calling for Rick Perry to apologize for not immediately "doing away" with that rock that bore his ranch's name, "Niggerhead," for so long. Society will never change without this resolution!

The congressional dispute over how to replenish FEMA's disaster relief coffers — which, if not resolved by September 30, could shut down the government — will resume on Monday. Go enjoy a national park while you still can! How about the Washington Monument? Oh, nevermind, the earthquake cracked that sucker good. In that case, do whatever the hell you want.

All that Hurricane Irene and Tropical Storm Lee wanted was to smash a few windows, flood some streets, and uproot an old tree here or there. But now they may indirectly end up shutting down the federal government, too! This really is a banner year for the forces of evil.

It wouldn't be surprising to hear rumors that Samuel "Joe the Plumber" Wurzelbacher, the Ohio fellow who briefly got famous for asking Barack Obama one poorly crafted question about small business taxation policy on the 2008 campaign trail, was "considering" a congressional run. It's a nice way to get a headline without really meaning it. But apparently national Republicans actually want him to do this?

Leaders of the House of Representatives will finally end the chamber's 200-year-old child slavery practice, also known as the page program, due to "advances in technology" that have reduced the chamber's need for young child sex slaves.

The sex scandal of Rep. David Wu has gone so comprehensively unnoticed, thanks to the debt ceiling, that Wu is actually making YouTube videos to get attention.

The House has just passed Speaker John Boehner's debt ceiling bill — the third version, of course, after Boehner had to throw in a modest constitutional amendment today to get a few more Tea Party members on board. It doesn't really matter, because the Senate will still instantly kill it, and then... well, something will get through by the Tuesday deadline. Right? Ha ha, probably not.

You know who's terrible? Congressman Andy Harris, of Maryland, is terrible. Here's why!

Are you familiar with freshman Republican Rep. Joe Walsh? No? That's okay! Just turn on any cable news channel at any time. He'll be there. Producers love to book him, and he loves to be booked. His politics can best be described as anti-any-compromise-ever, and he is rude. Another interesting thing about Joe Walsh is that his ex-wife is suing him for $117,437 in unpaid child support.

Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) is cautiously optimistic that enough GOP members had fallen in line over the last 48 hours to pass his debt bill. The plan would cut nearly $917 billion in spending over the next ten years, raise the debt-ceiling by $900 billion and avoid sending the nation into default.

Oregon Rep. David Wu, a tigersuit-clad furry sex monster, apparently won't sit out the rest of his House term before resigning. He's issued a statement announcing his imminent resignation — just as soon as the debt ceiling debacle draws to a close, which it never will.

It must have been a long weekend for Missouri Rep. Billy Long, as he stared at the wall for hours at a time trying to to link the death of Amy Winehouse with our current debt ceiling debacle in 140 characters or less.

Rep. Allen West says he's apologized to DNC chair Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz for his totally hilarious email rant in which he called her "the most vile, unprofessional, and despicable member" of the House. But does he lie?

"I want what I want when I want it." — The quote accompanying House Majority Leader Eric Cantor's high school yearbook photo. Presumably he wanted the same thing he wants now: To whine about everything at all times.

Texas congressman, libertaria agitator, and Internet deity Ron Paul has decided to wrap up his 12-term legacy of automatic "no" votes to every single bill. He will not run for his House seat in the next election. Good for him! If he stayed around much longer, he'd run the risk of becoming a bitter old crank.

You may not be surprised to hear that in one of the least productive Congresses in history, things move at a fast enough pace to confuse many members of Congress into voting the wrong way, more frequently than ever. Welcome to the latest phase of American Exceptionalism, in which no one really knows what's happening at any time.

What this 2012 presidential race needs — what America needs, really — is another wiseass Tea Party conservative mid-level congressman with niche appeal to further dilute the far right primary vote and effectively hand the nomination over to Mitt Romney. Fortunately it looks like five-time Michigan Rep. Thad McCotter will be that much needed extra spoiler. He's in it, and he's in it to win it!

The House of Representatives will actually hold two votes today on war funding. This is quite something: One vote to defund military action in Libya, another to authorize it for a year. Finally, many months after the Obama administration went into another MENA country with little-to-no strategy, we're having something akin to a congressional authorization process. This is healthy.

The staff for resigning Rep. Anthony Weiner are feeling awfully sentimental today as they clean out the office. Wouldn't you? I mean you'd be losing your job, for Christ's sake — and there are literally no other jobs available in America!

House Speaker John Boehner quickly put together some vague vote on American involvement in the Libya war today, which the Obama administration technically has been waging illegally for over two weeks, and which Congress has refused either to authorize or end.