Cocoa is so hot right now.

Literally. Brought to you by the New Zealand-based pizza chain Hell Pizza, the Pizza Roulette special is not for the faint of heart or palate. One out of the eight slices is laced with "the hottest chilli known to mankind," turning every pizza party into hazing night at a frat.

It was ninety-something degrees in NYC today. Anthony Weiner's penis has been dominating the news for 24 hours now. Hotness besieges us on all sides! Need to beat that heat? Let's beat it together—with this handy list!

In what we interpret as a consequence of normal global weather fluctuations rather than evidence of the veracity of any pseudo-scientific liberal "global warming" agenda, New York City just had its hottest summer ever. How hot was it?

NYC's most popular Indian curry, phaal: so hot the chefs wear a protective mask. Sounds...good.

Sunday was the 4th of July. Everyone was either off work yesterday, or at work doing nothing. Today, therefore, is one of the slowest news days of the entire year. Luckily for our city's beleaguered journalists: it's hot!

Fighting ladies! Failed erections! Sexy studies! Stroke prevention! And the hottest thing ever! It's your daily science watch, in which we watch the science—scientifically!