So how come we haven't heard about any of Bill Clinton's famous "bimbo eruptions" in the run-up to Hillary's coronation? English blog-news thing The First Post—and pretty much everyone else—wonders. After speculating that maybe a bum ticker has kept Bill's wandering wang at bay, the website suggests that Bill's under strict orders from Hill to keep it from getting out (both his wang and any news of its notorious activities). Clinton crank R. Emmett Tyrell, whose obsession with the former president approaches Peter Braunstein levels of mania, says the all-quiet on the breastern front is no accident.

Newsweek interviews former Journey frontman Steve Perry. The shlockmeister reveals that he was initially unsure about allowing atrocious hit "Don't Stop Believing" to be used in the finale of "The Sopranos."

Both of those big recently published Hillary Clinton bios are pretty much tanking because, as a rival publisher explains it, "If you are a Hillary fan, you don't want to read a book that is really negative. And if you are a Hillary hater, you want a book that really creams her." [LAT]

Vincent Curatola (a.k.a Johnny Sack), whose cameo in the Hillary Clinton parody of "The Sopranos" finale added the necessary frisson to a video which has gone viral beyond its consultant's wildest dreams, talks about working with the Clintons. Bill, it turns out, is a fan.

· Couldn't Hillary's clever campaign people at least have put Johnny Sack in a Members Only jacket? Was Chelsea too busy to ineptly parallel park a car? You lose your attention to detail, and the next thing you know, Obama's coming out of the restroom and popping you in the back of the head. [via Gawker]
· Another feather in the caps of Tom Cruise's baby-fabricating genetic engineers: field testing finally proves that Suri does not dissolve in seawater.
· This is really not the way you want to go.
· Dramatic chipmunk.
· Why can't that backstabber Rosie just strangle Hasselbeck to her face?

It's been a good run, but I think it's safe to say that all those parodies of "The Sopranos" series finale have finally been consigned to the dustbin of history. We're too shocked to even come up with a Bill Clinton comare joke. Hillary, Hillary... now you have to apologize for this and your Iraq vote! What were you thinking?

"A full 15 percent of Americans say Clinton gives them the creeps... Clinton's Democratic archrival Barack Obama skeeves out 4 percent, while John Edwards gives the heebie-jeebies to 6 percent." [NYP]

Dealing a death blow to once-trendy Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama's chances of landing the crucial entertainment industry endorsement that spurred Presidents Gore and Kerry on to historic White House tenures, show business deity Steven Spielberg has officially anointed Hillary Clinton Hollywood's Savior, releasing a statement today indicating he's "convinced that [she] is the most qualified candidate to lead us."

Bill Clinton: 'God, you see the ass on that one?' [AP]

Hillary Clinton and Paris Hilton, millennial America's twin Joan of Arcs, are presently enjoying their last weekends before they get tied to the stake. Come Tuesday, the L.A. County Jail will swallow Hillary whole and the official release of Carl Bernstein's A Woman in Charge will totally reveal the truth about Paris. (Or is it the other way around?) Thanks to the AP and the Times Magazine's excerpt of Bernstein competitor Her Way (out Friday), we now know exactly why the ladies deserve it and how they'll suffer.

The battle for the entertainment industry's hearts, minds, and huge, filthy piles of cash raged on at the home of noted local political hacktivist Brett Ratner, who on Wednesday night generously hosted a campaign fundraiser for Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton. At the event, a mere $250 donation afforded Young Hollywood a rare chance to get close enough to the candidate to discuss matters of policy while gyrating to the strains of "It Takes Two" at Hillhaven Lodge's in-house disco, and an upgrade to the VIP level of patronage bought each Clinton supporter 90 seconds of face-to-face time with the senator in Ratner's famous photo booth. Var recaps the party, including an obligatory roll call of attendees:

Today's Observer takes an aggressive look at the relationship between the Clintons and the New York Post, specifically wondering whether items about Bill and Hil were changed or killed because of their relationship with Rupert Murdoch. Recall that the Post's treatment of the Clintons seemed to change rather suddenly around the summer of 2005; everyone assumed that Murdoch had suddenly seen the political utility of donating money to Hillary's campaign.

Back in 2004, when Queen Bee wannabe Hillary Rodham didn't even know that she didn't know what she knows now, a more sympathetic New Yorker self-published a book called If I Knew Then... And? Turns out that Long Island Ophelia Amy Fisher would have still fallen head over shotgun for that prime rib/subprime mortgage of a man Bill Cli Joey Buttafuoco, if only for the chance to join the Flavor Flav/Lauren Conrad level of the Pantheon of Human Dignity. So reports today's Post, which, in an "exclusive," seems to have acquired tapes of The Insider's upcoming four-night so-inside-it's-like-a-PET-scan series on Amy and Joey's much talked-about steak-house canoodling last week. Said tape was apparently played in a room for a monkey that can transcribe and voilà: "'I love it, so I would do it," Fisher said of the idea of a reality-TV show. "We have so much fun. He's so funny. People don't know that.'"

Get ready for the Hillary-Rudy girlfight! Thanks to our sources in the future, not only can we now report that the home teams will prevail against Obama, McCain, Gravel [ :-( ], et al., we've also got some footage from the first televised debate. Chris Matthews moderates.

Hoping to reach the next generation of politically minded entertainment industry influencers who one day might achieve enough success to throw him lavish, billionaire-courting fund-raisers at their Carbon Beach compounds and kneecap his rivals in the pages of the NY Times, the Obamamania Campaign Hummer pulled up to the valet stand at Boulevard3 on Saturday night, an attempt to reach Hollywood up-and-comers in the environment in which they're most comfortable: a club the LAT describes as a "one-stop shop for conspicuous nightlife consumption. Variety reports on the scene at Barack Obama's weekend trip to Sunset Boulevard:

It seems that whatever evil rainmaking ritual Hillary Clinton participated in during her recent trip to the CAA Death Star (human sacrifice was presumably involved, as we're hearing reports they're still trying to power-wash the blood off Bryan Lourd's office walls) paid off handsomely, as the skies above billionaire Democratic cheerleader Ron Burkle's compound opened on Saturday night and showered the N.Y. senator's campaign with a possible showbiz record $2.6 million in donations, according to Clinton fundraising group Let's Not Throw That Hollywood Victory Party Just Yet, Mr. Popular. The gauntlet has clearly been thrown at the feet of Chief Obamamania Entertainment Industry Strategist David Geffen, who's faced with the difficult decision of whether to throw another beach party for his political king, schedule a new interview session with Maureen Dowd in which he shockingly reveals that he once saw Hillary kill a drifter with her bare hands (a crime her philandering husband assisted in covering up), or have troublemaking rival Burkle disappeared, hoping to cut off a source of future funds.

• Ex-Rocketboomer Amanda Congdon's got a new job—as a shill for DuPont. [AdAge]
  

• The Post has never heard of Whitewater. [NYP]
  

• Surly Maer Roshan only talks to Yusef Jackson. Yusef talks to Ron Burkle. It's called plausible deniability. You know, allegedly. [NYO]