Due to some drama with volcanic ash, we weren't able to make it to Cannes this year. Fortunately, French-speaking fictional freelancer Betsey Morgenstern had already washed ashore, so we hustled her over to the festival to cover it for us.

[Flesh-based actress Helen Mirren cozies up to waxen Helen Mirren at Madame Tussaud's in London. Photo via Getty.]

The Academy Awards have become more about the clothes and less about the awards themselves. Too bad all the ensembles are bland creations some stylist picked out. It's time to free ourselves from the tyranny of the Worst Dressed List!

Andy Dick: Something about his penis getting in trouble. Rihanna's about to break her man's umbrella off. Helen Mirren has a lesson for your children about getting drunk and stupid. Megan Fox's freaky thumbs! Presenting your Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup:

Angelina's secret second family: seven Muslim children, and a wife. Lady Gaga spawns jokes about old queens, Suri Cruise goes glam like never before, Tiger Woods' wife buys a mansion in Sweden. Tuesday gossip keeps coming back for more.

It's a big birthday for Jennifer Lopez. She's celebrating the big 4-0 today. Other people who will be blowing out candles this fine Friday: Broadway star Kristin Chenoweth is turning 41. Anna Paquin is 27. Director Doug Liman turns 44. Director Gus Van Sant is turning 57. Billionaire investor Nelson Peltz is 67. Artist Alex Katz is turning 82. Senator Claire McCaskill is 56. Governor Charlie Crist of Florida is 53. Barry Bonds turns 45. Retired basketball stars Rick Fox and Karl Malone are turning 40 and 46, respectively. Michael Richards of Seinfeld fame is turning 60. Actor Dan Hedaya is 69. And Wonder Woman—actress Lynda Carter—celebrates her 58th birthday today. Weekend birthdays after the jump.

Between giving date rapes the thumbs-up and tarring other women as "jealous bitches," Helen Mirren hasn't done much for womankind lately, though she did plenty for mankind when jaw-dropping bikini photos of her hit the web months ago. Mirren has repeatedly protested that her seemingly blemish-free physique was simply the result of a good angle, and this past week she again hit the beach, this time offering a much more human swimsuit body.

Though she'll always have a permanent place in our heart/loins, we're a little worried that Helen Mirren is toeing the thin line that separates saucy cougars from grandmothers who say totally inappropriate things at dinner. First, the Oscar-winning actress made it known that she eschews bangers and mash for a somewhat more unpalatable "date rape and eightball" combination platter. Now, in an insane 3500-word interview with the Times in which writer Chrissy Iley can barely restrain herself from pouncing on Mirren to reenact Caligula's most salacious scenes, the Dame airs some even more controversial views on women:

· Taylor Hackford is shopping around Love Ranch—a brothel drama starring wife Helen Mirren (oooh!) and Joe Pesci (ewww!)—to studios in search of a distribution partner. [Variety] · Javier Barden has signed on for Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu's new movie, Biutiful, a Spanish-language film about "a man embroiled in shady dealings who is confronted by a childhood friend." We smell cattle bolt fumes! [Variety] · Netflix, who we dumped since they decided to start charging more to rent Blu-ray (you hear us, Netflix? That's the reason. It wasn't us, it was you. Now stop e-mailing, because we found a new rental boyfriend) has hooked up with Samsung, whose new Blu-ray player is equipped to stream their movies. [Variety] After the jump: What director does DreamWorks have on tap to fill Chicago 7 with cameos by his friends?· DreamWorks's The Trial of the Chicago 7 is courting director suitors, having met most recently with Ben Stiller, who assured Steven Spielberg he'd only go quarter-retard in his portrayal of Abbie Hoffman. [THR] · Juan Carlos Gonzalez—who'd certainly adorn any Wheaties box celebrating the Neutral Olympics—looks to be the mediator brought in to oversee SAG-AMPTP talks. We're all but certain this will enliven the proceedings, as anyone who knows Gonzalez knows he can bring even the most bitter of enemies together through the power of mime. [THR]

Sometimes, British news is tardy coming across the pond, and other times it simply takes us a little while to collect our composure after crushing disappointment. In this case, it's a little of both, as our longtime crush Helen Mirren has publicly returned the affections of a man who is neither her husband, Taylor Hackford, nor the chiaroscuro possessor of a raised eyebrow that is the mascot of our humble blogspot. No, instead she has fallen under the charms of noted ladykiller and purity ring-eschewer Russell Brand, and this can mean only one thing: trouble.Brand, who will soon be co-starring with Mirren in The Tempest, kicked off the flirtation in the Daily Mail:

♦ It was the Metropolitan Opera's 125th opening night on Monday and so naturally a long list of recognizable faces trooped out for the occasion. In floor-length gowns and tuxes to walk the red carpet and watch Renée Fleming: Barbara Walters, Howard Stringer, Michael Bloomberg, Helen Mirren, Christie Brinkley, Faye Dunaway, Molly Sims, Taylor Momsen, Martha Stewart, Hilary and Bryant Gumbel, Henry Kravis, Mercedes Bass, Ann Ziff, Georgina Chapman (left), Helena Christensen, Jane Fonda, John Lithgow, Juliana Margulies, Joy and Regis Philbin, John Turturro, Parker Posey, Peggy Siegal, Ellen and Chuck Scarborough, Deborah Norville, Julie Macklowe, and Tory Burch. [Park Ave Peerage, NYSun, Wireimage, PMc]

· Helen Mirren will trade in her two-piece for a gun in The Debt, a remake of an Israeli hit about a Mossad agent who comes out of retirement to track down a war criminal. [Variety] · TNT fell for the old "Buy a Bruckheimer, Get a Wahlberg For Free" trick, not realizing it negotiated for Donnie's new Boston cop procedural Bunker Hill. Gotta read those contracts, gang. [THR] After the jump: Salma Hayek storms Fox, Jeff Zucker reassures nobody, Earl's preem crashes.· Completely over the success of Ugly Betty, executive producer Salma Hayek's budding media empire will next overtake Fox with the multiethnic family comedy The New McToms. [THR] · At an exec powwow in London on Thursday, noted NBCU economist Jeff Zucker insisted that his network's value to GE "only increases if there is less coming from the financial divisions." And the Olympics? "We measure success in ways that are far greater than the bottom line." Indeed, this man has all the answers. [THR] · And not to pile on, but last night's My Name is Earl and ER premieres were down 29% and 20%, respectively, from last year's bows. But that's OK — maybe NBC doesn't measure success that way, either. [The Live Feed] · Director Gary Fleder has reupped with ABC to helm every episode of every ABC series produced through the end of time. Or television, whichever comes first. [Variety]

Anne Hathaway chatting on her cell phone in the West Village and then hopping into a cab ... Philip Seymour Hoffman smoking a cigarette and pushing his bike ... Richard Gere and Chris Rock leaving ABC studios ... Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen holding hands ... Jude Law crossing the street ... Dexter's Michael C. Hall arriving at JFK ... Sarah Jessica Parker holding her son's hand as they walk down the street ... Katie Holmes carrying a doll alongside Suri ... George H. W. Bush walking to lunch ... Taylor Momsen on the set of Gossip Girl ... Alec Baldwin holding an iced coffee outside NBC ... Helen Mirren pushing a cart on the sidewalk .. Clay Aiken leaving the Shubert Theater ... and Ivanka Trump outside the Waverly Inn.

While we expect actress Helen Mirren to be both bodacious and bawdy, nothing could have prepared us for the candid interview she recently gave to the British version of GQ, where the Oscar winner opened up at length about her shoplifting problem, her love of cocaine, and her multiple date rapes. The latter revelations are causing the most controversy, because though Mirren says she was assaulted "a couple of times," her attitude toward the touchy issue is royally complicated. Says People:

• It's not that Kevin Spacey wanted to pull down his friend's boxer shorts so much as that Croatian nightclub tradition basically required him to do so. [LA Rag Mag]

• Lizzie Grubman is spawning once again: She and husband Chris Stern are expecting twins. [P6]

What better way to kick off the humpday drudgery than with a truly spectacular shot of Oscar-winning cougar royalty and longstanding Defamer lust object Helen Mirren, splendidly filling out a cherry-red bikini. We really don't care what team you play for: one glimpse of that legendary rack—twice damed by the Queen herself!—instantly transforms you into a horny Helenosexual. More titillating Mirren two-piece shots after the jump:

Helen Mirren is a hundred and eleven years old and she looks great! (Actually, she's a spry 62). The many, many awards-winning actress (most notably, perhaps, for The Queen) was photographed recently in Puglia, swimming and climbing rocks in a bikini. And, quite frankly, she looks better than half the ladies half her age who wear similar bathing costumes. Mirren is pretty free with her body-appearing nude in a raft of films from Caligula in 1980 to the recent film about naked old British ladies, Calendar Girls, and writing a book about the subject-and, well, now we see why. So, there you go. Simple dame objectification midday on a Wednesday. [via BrianVan] Click thru for larger image.

We've already heard enough stars insisting that those sex scenes we find either major turn-ons (Mickey Rourke force-feeding Kim Basinger strawberries on the kitchen floor in 9 1/2 Weeks) or majorly eye-scarring (Heather Graham faking her way through grainy limo thrusts in Boogie Nights) are totally perfunctory while filming. With the massive crew surrounding them, the sudden lighting checks, and simple fact that they've gotta feign spontaneous heat take after take, we've leaned towards taking their word for it. And as it turns out, no matter how big the star or legendary their prowess in the bedroom, even simple kissing scenes with the most gorgeous A-listers around range from "awkward and sweaty" to "slightly icky and sort of wet." Where Tom Cruise, Angelina Jolie, Harrison Ford, Leonardo DiCaprio and more rank on the list of Worst On-Screen Kissers after the jump.

· Brad Pitt's shingle, Plan B in name only (we're looking at you, Aniston), buys rights to David Grann manuscript, "Lost City of Z," for Pitt to produce and star in. [Variety]
· Helen Mirren and Christopher Plummer replace Meryl Streep and Anthony Hopkins in Tolstoy biopic The Last Station, putting the production down two Oscars but up two Golden Globes (wink!). [Variety]