Welcome to Barack Hussein Obama's America, folks, where you can be arrested for the so-called "crime" of calling a couple you sort of know and repeatedly demanding that they have a threesome with you. Whatever happened to the constitution, I ask you!

What if you were the victim of an online stalker? Someone who spent three years crafting a campaign against you, who somehow got his hands on nude photos of you and sent them to your family. How could that situation get any worse? What if it turned out your stalker was your boyfriend?

There's an art to shit-talking your co-workers. If you are to indulge in it, there's a certain checklist of precautions you'll need to take:

If you want a job in America today, you'll probably end up working in a restaurant. (Yay!) One in ten Americans already work in restaurants or bars, and the WSJ says that since the recession hit, restaurant jobs have increased at more than twice the rate of other jobs.

Two trainers have filed a lawsuit against nightclub/workout emporium David Barton Gym, claiming they were harassed and later fired because they're lesbians. We've heard of harassment at this gym before, but it's usually of straight guys in the locker room.

"Cat-calling," "hollerin' at a girl," "being a huge douchebag": We're all familiar with the harassment women face on New York's sidewalk, at the hands of stereotypical 1940s construction workers and many other people. Should New York have "harassment-free" zones?

Bizarre Irish twin act Jedward has been harassed repeatedly at Heathrow Airport by security agents who think it's funny to bully singing X-Factor twins with curious hair. Take it from people who also fit that description: It gets better, Jedward.

Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas' ex-girlfriend Lillian McEwen has decided to "break her silence" about their five-year-long relationship in a Washington Post interview. Turns out, Justice Thomas was "obsessed with porn" and was "partial to women with large breasts." Shocking!

Andrew Shirvell, the assistant attorney general in Michigan who moonlights as a creepy blogger dedicated to harassing a gay student-body president, has taken personal leave and will face a disciplinary hearing when he returns. His blog's private now, too! Sad.

A "socially inept" Pennsylvania judge has been suspended from his job for calling repeatedly and "making uninvited visits" to the homes of five women. We'd expect that from a lawyer, cop, or other male professional. But not a judge. [AP]

There is some money to be made for Capitol Hill staffers. No, not salary-wise, ha. In harassment settlements! Get a job with the most pervy congressman (all of them), wait for the inevitable "comment," and let taxpayers cash you out.

A pair of drunk Republican eye-doctors were seated near Rep. Barney Frank (D-Mass.) on a flight from Los Angeles to Boston, and they harassed the poor man until his partner stood up to call them bitches, which they probably were.

This week's episode was all about faking chemistry, just like Tyra fakes having a soul. When asked to make judge Nigel Barker feel comfortable before a photo shoot, Jessica decided that fondling his bald scalp would be the best approach.

Peter Clarke, former shipmate of ex-Rep Eric Massa, told the world about Massa's "snorkeling" expedition. He's been telling anyone who'd listen about Massa for years. All he wants in return? To warn future victims. And to be on Howard Stern.

Greg Shenkman, CEO of a San Francisco software company, allegedly used work visas to import an Eastern European woman as a sexual plaything, according to a former assistant who is charging him with sexual battery.

Just like giving out condoms makes kids have sex and giving out clean needles turns upright citizens into junkies, the government must protect us from public service ads more likely to destroy us than to save us. Concerned about all the horny bastards rubbing up against women on subways, New York City had an anti-groping ad campaign ready to be rolled out to the sicko public (that's you). But they had to scratch that. These ads would just set you perverts off even more!

"I was *shocked* to hear that one of our community has been the target of death threats as a thank you for her work," wrote Debian project leader Steve McIntyre, near the bottom of a long message about the results of a survey of Debian contributors. Now McIntyre tells The Register, "I have since discovered that several of our female developers and documenters were threatened. It was some kook in the U.S. who made quite a name from himself harassing women for supposedly destroying the free software movement." Valleywag would be happy to make the guy an even bigger name for himself. Got death threats? Send 'em in or just post in the comments.

Weather Channel anchor Bob Stokes is being accused by a former on-air colleague, Hillary Andrews, of being a sexually harassing, stalkerish jerk. For an extended period of time. Andrews says that Stokes harassed her predecessor out of a job, and then began harassing Andrews even harder, constantly hitting on her and asking her inappropriate questions; i.e., "Will you lick my swizzle stick?" Andrews is now suing Stokes, and two highlights from her court documents are below, describing some of Stokes' conduct. Also, a bonus clip: a colleague forgetting Stokes' name, on-air. Maybe she blocked him out of her mind.

Rachel Marsden, former "Red Eye" on-air eye-candy who was once allegedly "escorted" from Fox studios, and who has been accused of being a bit stalky, wrote into Gawker this morning to let us know that she's officially been exonerated of all wrongdoing ever. Or at least she won't be charged with harassing her Candian counterterrorism officer ex. The emails from the gentleman that she made public and those nudes allegedly of him she sent to the papers have finally proven her innocence! Canada's National Post helpfully adds: "Ms. Marsden, a former Republican Babe of the Week who has appeared on Fox News and CNN, has a history of criminal harassment, having pleaded guilty to stalking a Vancouver radio host in 2004. Her swim coach at Simon Fraser University also accused her of stalking him in the 1990s, but the allegation was never proven." [National Post]

Working at Scores: it's not all giving candy to school children, recovering lost dogs and exchanging glimpses of your breasts for charitable canned goods donations. Sometimes you are asked to exchange sex for money. The Daily News, always your best source for the strip club stories that matter to you, reports today on a lawsuit brought against the famed Manhattan institution by former cocktail waitress Francis Vargas, who charges that Scores managers are terribly sleazy and have some workplace boundary issues.