Nothing like a horrible story about police shooting and killing an armed eighth-grader in a middle-school hallway to kick off the new year! Nothing like it, except... a horrible story about police shooting and killing an eighth grader armed with a pellet gun in his middle-school hallway.

Police in Brownsville, Texas, shot and killed an eighth grader in the hallway of his middle school today after he displayed a gun and "engaged" with officers. Welcome to 2012, everyone!

I'm telling you, CSPAN is just some shit-hot television right now. Everything is incredible. Hell, I watched Ron Paul shake hands after a Des Moines rally last night for 30 minutes—in high-definition. It was great. It's the new MTV! And now what's this, Michele Bachmann jawing on the radio about guns and her favorite gun for a couple of minutes? Sure, tell us all about it.

I'm telling you, CSPAN is just some shit-hot television right now, in Iowa. Hell, I watched Ron Paul shake hands after a Des Moines rally last night for 30 minutes — in high-definition. It was great. It's the new MTV! And now what's this, Michele Bachmann jawing on the radio about guns and her favorite gun for a couple of minutes? Sure, tell us all about it.

Rachel Yoder, a 15 year-old Amish girl in Ohio, was riding home in her buggy from a Christmas party last week when she was, mysteriously and without warning, shot in the head and killed. Now police have found the killer: a man who fired his "muzzle-loading rifle" into the air while cleaning it, more than a mile away.

Mark Meckler (pictured) is the co-founder of the Tea Party Patriots and a big shot national Tea Party Leader. He supports Second Amendment rights, if you know what we mean. What we mean is he has been arrested for trying to carry a gun on a plane.

According to America's official gun-counting officials, prospective gun buyers registered 129,166 background check requests on Black Friday 2011—more than on any other Black Friday in American history, and a 32 percent increase from the last all-time high. What provoked all these gun sales?

Teenage Floridian Vanessa Gibbs missed her plane ride home from Norfolk, Va. the other day because her purse featured a gun-shaped applique that TSA agents deemed illegal as a "replica" gun. Commence adding bold western wear to your list of "TSA-banned fashions," underneath snake pants and hummingbird pants.

What is going on in the metropolitan Jacksonville, Florida, Duval County USA law enforcement community these days, I wonder? "Guns play a vastly larger role in Jacksonville's violent crime than in other big Florida communities, researchers at the University of North Florida have found." Weird! What else though? Any good... charity events?

Max was a little taken aback by the Scottsdale Gun Club's plan to offer posed Christmastime portraits with Santa and machine guns, but now that some have been released I think they're delightful. Locked and loaded for a merry Christmas and a very happy new year!

What Christmas has been missing, I think, is guns. Right? The Gospel of Luke is cute, I guess, but it's kind of, you know, "not enough guns." Luckily, that is a problem that the state of Arizona is uniquely suited to rectify. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you: "Santa and Machine Guns."

Who says only dirty hippies show up to the Occupy Everywhere protests? Why, down in Houston, they had a guy dressed in "business casual"! Of course, he was firing a rifle into the air, and was shot in the ankle by police officers. But, c'mon: it's Texas.

If police think you've shot bullets into the White House residence, it's probably not going to take authorities that long to find your ass, wherever you are.

The head of the TSA told the Senate Homeland Security Committee that airport screeners find an average of five guns per day packed in travelers' luggage.

If the scribblings of the Las Vegas Witch have taught us anything, it's that not all grown-ups get swept up in the Halloween spirit. But kiddie revelers in Aiken, South Carolina, have upped the ante as well:

Texas-based country store owner and cardboard cutout Crockett Keller teaches concealed handgun safety classes to make a few extra bucks, which he spends on boots and hats and spurs and guns at his local CowboyMart. Like every discriminating businessman, he enforces some standards, which he thoughtfully informed the world about in a recent radio ad.

The Great American Mall has been dying for years and years now. So long, in fact, that many malls are actually dead now! And what are we to do with all of these empty mall building carcasses? Ah, glad you asked!

Eight NYPD officers were charged today with agreeing to smuggle 22 illegal guns into the city in exchange for cash. Turns out it was an FBI sting operation. As are most illegal plots. You fools.

It's been a while since we last heard about a loaded gun slipping past the watchful eyes and groping, toy-taking hands of TSA's diaper-busting agents and making it onto an airplane. We thought that maybe the agency had patched up that minor security breach issue, or something. Nope!

What is that highly trained squadron of commandos charged with tackling life's thorniest situations and defeating the scariest malefactors in our society, the Los Angeles SWAT team, up to now? Oh just getting robbed for a bunch of machine guns, by malefactors! I guess commando training doesn't include irony appreciation, which is quite an oversight!