Us Weekly's lead story right now is a rather substance-free bit on Dallas Cowboy quarterback Tony Romo shopping for a birthday present for his girlfriend, pop tart Jessica Simpson. But Us is doing its best to drum up something better; a reporter sent a vaguely ominous letter to Romo's dad encouraging him to talk, because "Jessica Simpson's side is controlling the media right now." Which is actually very good reporting! Any journalist worth his paltry salary knows how to use veiled threats, scary insinuations, and bluffs (lies) to get reluctant sources to speak up. We've compiled a handy translation guide; how to decode the most common threatening reporter doublespeak, after the jump:

Radar recently moved to new offices in Turtle Bay: 216 E. 45th Street, 6th Floor. The mag's staff of consumers and thinkers and arbiters must adapt to their new home quickly if they are to do their best work. Lucky for them, Turtle Bay is full of places to contemplate the friability of human endeavor, the likely impermanence of one's employment, and how one might have gone from studying Joyce at Sarah Lawrence to writing about codpieces. Here's a helpful guide!