Tomorrow, Glenn Beck intends to save this nation from communists and other ne'er-do-wells at his "Restoring Honor" rally, live from Washington D.C. Will you be there? Because we will! Oh, yes! In the meantime, here's what to expect.

This week, Star magazine investigates the perilous lives of celebrity assistants. But what's the point of having power if you can't abuse it? A guide to which underling abuses are reasonable, and which will just get you sent to jail.

Teabaggers will soon descend on Washington for Glenn Beck's "Restoring Honor" rally, taking place at the site of Martin Luther King Jr.'s "Dream" speech, on its anniversary. What precautions should they take to avoid being murdered in this deadly town?

Bogus drug scares are a mainstay of mainstream media reporting and reactionary parenting. A roundup of the latest in ludicrous drug trends—and look back at how bogus substances have stirred panic for more than a century now—below.

Hello, Old Person. Would you like to be annoyed and confused? Let's talk about the chipmunk-voiced YouTube phenomenon known as 'Fred'. He has a new movie coming out, and all the kids are going to be talking about it.

It's hot outside! And yet, thanks to "society," you still have to wear clothes. The New York Times thinks you should do things like wear linen. Whatever! We have better ideas.

Every ambitious young person in New York wishes to secure a position as an intern in the court of the city's benevolent philosopher-king, Michael of Bloomberg. But how can one get a City Hall internship? Simply follow our foolproof plan!

What do you do now that the World Cup is over? If you're like most Americans, you just keep living your life, because you are suspicious of soccer. But if you were obsessed? We can help you cope.

Lindsay Lohan will soon turn herself into Lynwood's Century Regional Detention Facility for a 90-day sentence. How many days will she actually serve? Will she get extra time for her fingernail "fuck you"? What will her cell look like?

The World Cup now enters its Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome phase. We began with a thriving civilization of 31 proud soccer nations (plus France). Only four battle-hardened survivors remain to spar over scarce resources in an unforgiving environment.

Mother's Day's oft-forgotten cousin is upon us on Sunday and it's very likely, giving the creeping nature of the holiday, that you've forgotten to get a gift for dad. But fear not! We're here to help.

Wow, did you guys catch that exhilarating 2-2 tie between the US and Slovenia? What a game! Wait… were you seriously working? Work is no excuse for not watching the World Cup. Here's how you do both.

When you're in Whole Foods tomorrow to pick up your organic free-range sustainable humanely slaughtered coconut chicken skewers, you might see some people staring forlornly at an empty shelf. Why? The kombucha's gone! Oh, overpriced fermented tea. Where'd you go?

We are less than one half-hour away from the most Important Soccer Match of All Time: America vs. England in the first round of the World Cup! Let's get ready to hate England!

It can't be explained by nature or science, but it happens to everyone: You get some annoying tune or jingle playing on repeat in your noggin' for hours on end. Here is how to stop the music.

Summer's here! Are you fretting that there's nothing on television? Well, stop living in the past! We don't live in a school-year-dictated world anymore. Here are some shows you should consider watching to help pass the hot months, safely indoors.

Sure, Iron Man 2 and other big-ticket adventures have already opened, but we here at Gawker are traditionalists. For us, summer begins on Memorial Day. So put on those white shoes (finally!) and let's look at this season's popcorn flicks.

Tablets, notebooks, and netbooks—there are so many options for mobile computing these days. But which one is right for you? I have no idea! But it's my last day at Gawker!

When they're not killing dinosaurs or being blown up by Bruce Willis meteors sure are nice-looking. Tonight, the annual Leonid meteor shower reaches its peak, and dozens of meteors per hour should streak across the sky. Here's how to watch:

Ha, Vanity Fair just put out their NYC summer guide, but hey—don't ask them for a reservation at Monkey Bar! Owned by Vanity Fair's Graydon Carter! Because they can't get you one! Eh? Their guide also features errors: