Two households, both a'lacking in dignity,
In fair California, where we lay our scene,
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,
Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean:
This is the Nickelodeon-Disney War of 2012.

Earlier this week, a 35-year-old man was arrested because he wasn't able to eat fake money very quickly. Technically, he was arrested for trying to buy French fries with a counterfeit $50 bill, then attempting to eat $1,200 in bogus fifties (twenty-four bills) before security officers detained him.

Didn't I see you at Natalie Portman's wedding in Big Sur last Saturday? I was definitely there. I'm pretty sure you were too.

The last week must have thrilled anybody playing Romney VP bingo. Rumors suggested Romney would pick Condoleezza Rice. Rice has never run for—nor expressed interest in—elected office, probably couldn't siphon "the black vote" away from Carlton on Fresh Prince, and her candidacy's soundtrack would be Block Rockin' Briefs '01: Bin Laden Determined to Attack U.S. This week the VP rumor was about Tim Pawlenty, who is boring.

Because we can't all afford to eat off NY Mag's Cheap Eats list, this week several popular fast food chains are giving away [vaguely] food[ish things] for free. Here's a guide to who's giving away what and how far you'll have to debase yourself to get it:

On Tuesday Brad Pitt's hometown paper published a hyper conservative letter-to-the-editor from his mom that stopped just short of identifying Barack Hussein Obama as a Muslim terrorist. Now his close personal friends (everyone on the Internet) cannot stop gossiping about it.

It's Independence Day, and it's time to start barbecuing. But you're a miserable failure, and you've already gotten wasted. How will you grill? Don't worry. Chill out. We've got you covered.

Parents: is your child a student at an elite New Jersey or Long Island all-boys prep school? Does your child enjoy "hanging out" and listening to O.A.R.? Is your child named "Trip," or something? If you answered "yes" to any of those questions, your child may be a lax bro.

After decades of rumored gay bath house orgies and Scientology "cures," John Travolta's sex life is back in the news with sexual battery charges from a pair of male masseurs. Running parallel to the story of John Travolta's rise to fame is the story of his allegedly gay penis' rise to infamy. Now presenting John Travolta: A Portrait of the Actor as the Sum of His Gay Rumors.

Last night I attended a midnight showing of the Avengers. I'm not particularly into the Marvel movies (never even saw The Hulk or Thor, so sue me), but it was a friend's birthday and it sounded fun and I thought, Hey I'm fun, I'm young. Sure I'll go.

Is Barack Obama cool? Anyone who is actually cool can tell you that no, the president is not cool. He is old, and he is a dad, and he is president. And yet here we have a political ad claiming the president is cool, and commentators nodding their heads in agreement. The New Yorker's John Cassidy cites the Washington Post, a Politico commenter, and Grantland to conclude that the president has a "dazzling hipness."

The Census Bureau just released reams of data from the 1940 U.S. Census online (the website's been up and down all day; if it doesn't work, try later), and you are going to spend the next hour or so tooling around on the website. I know because I just did it myself.

As part of our ongoing inquiry into the filthy elite of New York's food and restaurant scene, today we present annotated Health Department report cards for the least sanitary restaurants that also have Michelin stars.

Somewhere north of 15,000 American children are conservatively believed to be afflicted with Asperger Syndrome, a disorder characterized by obsessive and rigid behavior, poor communication skills, clumsiness, and a lack of empathy and reciprocity. Cases of Asperger's and a related disorder, autism, exploded in Silicon Valley over the past 20 years, according to state-funded outreach workers — an assertion that will come as no shock to users familiar with pedantic, apathetic, tight-lipped and self-serving tech companies. How, exactly, does Asperger's work, and has it had a material impact on how the technology sector relates to its customers? Below, find a quick guide to those questions, and a look at why one of the Valley's most famously infuriating pedants, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg, is rumored to have it.

Last night, the AP broke the news that the New York Police Department had spent months spying on Muslims in Newark, N.J. "The result was a 60-page report," AP reporter Adam Goldman writes, "containing brief summaries of businesses and their clientele." But was it a surveillance file... or just a guide to Newark's best Muslim restaurants?

LINSANITY! is sweeping the nation, and you're still fairly certain that that's not even a word. That's OK; it's not, really. But every now and then, a figure from the sports world emerges, words are invented (remember Tebowing?), and the athlete in question very quickly becomes impossible to ignore—even for non sports fans. This month, the unavoidable sports guy is Jeremy Lin, a 23-year-old Harvard grad and NBA player.

Who's that making Saturday Night Live even worse this weekend? Why, it's insufferable novelty rap-cover duo Karmin. Who? you ask. Allow us to explain.

The 46th Super Bowl in the history of the National Football League takes place on Sunday night. If you're saying "duh," then please feel free to move on to another corner of the Internet. If you're saying, "Is that the thing with the dogs?" then please keep reading.

The Super Bowl is approaching fast, and knowing you, you're already drunk and haven't even begun to think about what you're going to make for the party. It's okay — stop crying — no, really — because we've got some fun, fast recipes just for you.

Everybody is talking about Tim Tebow. Except for you. Who is Tim Tebow? you're asking yourself, after spending 10 minutes nodding silently while coworkers discussed his game this weekend against the Patriots. (What sport is this? you are probably also asking. For the record: football.) It's okay, non sports fan: here is your exclusive guide to Tim Tebow.