Vaccinate your kids. Vaccinate your kids. Vaccinate your kids. Seriously, for the love of all that was touched by Jove and is holy in this world, vaccinate your kids.

Cosmos is a hit, again. Neil DeGrasse Tyson is a pop science star. Thanks to him, kids dream about expanding human knowledge of the phenomenal universe. Now: Where's a liberal arts rockstar to make people care about human culture that much?

Say you're a state bureaucrat. How do you make natural resources management sexy? With porn. Duh.

Roy Sun, 25, was a $70,000-a-year electrical engineer straight out of college. And why not? He'd gone to one of the best engineering schools in the country. He even studied, um, computer security in his free time. Which he had a lot of, since he never went to class.

When the Nobel committee awards this year's prize for Simultaneously Feeding and Humiliating Squirrels, the inventors of this horse-head squirrel feeder are definitely going home with the hardware.

So yeah, maybe we'll be out of Afghanistan by the end of the year.

Writers are toddlers. We're pampered, we cry about everything and we like choo-choos. When some of us cried that we should get to ride and write on Amtrak for free, Amtrak said "Okay!" So, fine: Here are more corporations whose largesse could give writers time and space to practice the craft:

For the first time in 21 years, the FDA-mandated nutritional information labels on consumer foods may soon get a major updating, because you're all fatty-fat fats, and you really need to pay attention to these goddamn things, people.

Eric Ortiz doesn't like spiders. Which is why he got this black widow spider tattoo on his cheek, just below his eyeline, in December: So he can overcome spider that which spider he fears most spider spiiiiiiider SPIDER.

At least one Democratic senator is willing to deport Justin Bieber. We can make this happen, America.

Bill Gates wants to offer the world a better, thinner condom. You know, for the ladies: "We're a big funder of innovation in that area, as well."

In a surprise bipartisan move Thursday, the Republican-led House passed a plan that could make it easier to transfer most of the remaining 160 U.S. terror detainees from their prison in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, to other locations overseas.

Do you have a job that overworks you? Wish you had more time at home with the kids, or just alone with your thoughts? You should join our elite secret outfit of people who pretend to work for the Central Intelligence Agency to get out of doing their day jobs.

The Snuggle House was supposed to be a nice place where nice people could drop in for "therapeutic cuddling" at $60 an hour "in a non-sexual way." But it all went sideways, because clearly, you didn't deserve The Snuggle House, America.

Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry really wanted us all to wear Spandex in the future. Smelly, smelly Spandex.

We all love liberal Pope Francis! But beneath that love-everyone-even-the-godless-and-gay exterior, is he el papa del comunismo? Judging from his just-released 84-page exposition on the evils of consumerism and modern economics, he may start wearing a lot more red:

Like most of us, Lee Beaumont gets dozens of calls from telemarketers each month. Unlike most of us, he loves it.

A Virginia man who was apparently using his computer to solicit obscene photos from children turned himself in to police unexpectedly after he received an "FBI Warning message" that turned out to be a virus.

Proving once and for all that there is no Kickstarter project so silly that people won't throw money at it, funny New Yorker Kurt Braunohler was able to successfully raise nearly $7,000 for his campaign to write funny words in the sky.

Since Dish Network no longer carries AMC due to a dispute with its parent company, AMC Networks, customers fully expected to be left out of Sunday's highly anticipated premiere of Breaking Bad's fifth season.